Why am I not able to accept?

Many of you know my TTC struggles. I started getting irregular periods from June 2009 and in Jan 2010 we found I had PCOS/. My periods started becoming very irregular. I was taking homeopathy medicines but it did not work at all. In Oct 2010 I married my college sweetheart. since we were both young we did not want to plan for kids for atleast 3-4 years, But my irregular periods was always a cause of worry for me. In March 2013 I seriously started going to a gynecologist.

She checked my parameters and wanted to put me on Clomid. But before that as a routine she wanted my husband to get his SA done. That is when we got the shock of our lives. His SA came to 6 million! The Dr asked to repeat the tests and subsequent tests only showed decreased number. It was as if the whole world came crashing in front of my eyes. We were referred to a urologist. He was put on Clomid and UBIQ. But nothing helped. His count infact decreased after taking these meds for 3 months. By the end of 2013 the Dr pretty much gave up and said IVF ICSI is our ONE and ONLY hope.

We were not prepared mentally an financially for it then. 2014 was spent on saving up for IVF. Mentally preparing. Meanwhile I was in denial and did not want to jump to ICSI right at the beginning itself. So we consulted a famous homeopath in Delhi and started taking medicines for both of us from Aug 2014. The Dr promised great results. But when we tested my husbands SA in May 2015 the result was NO CHANGE. Meanwhile, I went without periods for 5-6 months. I used to just have spotting and mild bleeding prolonging for weeks. I started having anxiety and depression. There was so much of stress.

Suddenly in June 2015 I had profuse bleeding. The Dr was scared looking at my condition and ordered DnC immediately. She suspected miscarriage. But after DnC it was found that it was a heavy build up of endometrium which caused this. Endometrial TB was ruled out after biopsy.

In June-July cycle I was very hopeful I will concieve. Many ppl said the window after DnC is very good for conception since everything is clean. But I did not concieve. . Around July mid I went to the Dr, and she gaveme meds to induce my cycle. And on D2 she said it is better I start IVF. I had no thoughts, no time to decide. I started my stimms on D2 of my cycle. (July 28)
I did produce good amount of follicles thanks to my PCOD. I had one day coasting since my E2 rose to 4000+ an then trier shot was given. We had frozen 4 sperm samples of my husband to be on safe side.


The Dr retrieved 14 eggs and all were ICSIed. 7 fertilised. The Dr mentioned I had poor quality eggs with dark cytoplasm. I was called on Aug 14 (D2 after ER). The Dr said we can transfer 3 grade 1 embryos and freeze the rest or wait t ill blastocyst. I left the choice to her and she decided to wait. On D5 we only had 3 grade 1 blastocyst and she transferred all 3.
All through 2ww I did not have any symptoms. I was very positive, SSomehow I believed this will work,.I had done pooja. There were some good omen on day of ET. Astrologers said I will concieve in Aug 2015.
On 9dp5dt I tested with Preganews and saw a faint line in hpt.The line came after 20 mins. I was very happy. I had never seen a second line in hpt. I was waiting to see the second line fr 3 years.Next day morning I tested, it was stark white. We went for beta and that came out negative.
Everything post that was a blur. Incidentally my parents sister, her family and her newborn daughter had all come in that day. For the next days I hide all my sadness so that I should not spoil their vacation. They all left on Monday and only now the sadness, the grief is sinking in.

I feel so miserable and have been crying uncontrollably. Why is God so cruel. Why did have to give me so many hopes if all I had to get was failure. Why that second line in hpt when beta had to come negative. The pain and grief is beyond words. As I write this my eyes are blinded with tears.
We put all eggs in one basket and nothing clicked, We spent almost 2.3 lakhs and the result is a bug NEGATIVE.
Every no wand then I just keep thinking what could I have done differently. Where did it go wrong?
What can I do to make this work.
I really want to have a baby and this uncertainty of whether I will ever b able to conceive is killing me to pieces. I feel so lost. My husband is very very supportive ans he says we can adopt if nothing works. He feels I should stop thinking about this. But I just cant do that. I don feel like talking to anyone. I am not able to bear the pain. I feel so depressed that I want to run away somewhere. Is just overwhelming and I just dont know what to do.

Sorry about the vent..But whenever I cry or tell someone they just tell me to let go. Let go HOW?WHY? I want this badly. How can I let go?

 

Thanks for being there and a big HUG Saya.

 

Thanks Bhagya. I have already lost 2-3 Kgs and I am at my optimum weight right now. I don't know whatever happened was for good or not. But I dont have any control anyways. I have lost faith in God. I have stopped praying since my beta result. Not sure if its correct to blame God but I just feel numb when I go near God.

 

Thanks Radha. People like you, Vasu are always an inspiraion.I know sadness cause more stress but I don't have control over my feelings right now. As much as I try to divert my mind there is still a dull ache in the background constantly reminding me of the loss. But I am trying to come out of it.