What I learnt from TTC

This post has been long overdue. DH and I have been married for 5 years and have been TTC for a little over a year.We had some really tough months. I had quit my job and I felt miserable. I started reading IL forums then and it was a great help. I felt like I was not alone and that there was hope...I prayed and waited and finally I got a BFP. Since then I have wished I could go back in time and change a few things about me while I was trying. That is wishful thinking so here I am, this is my first post and I hope this helps all those people who like me, have been reading silently and getting frustrated...


1. HAVE FAITH!
Yes, this is the toughest thing to do. Pray. Prayer helps. I have always believed that if we pray with all our hearts we get what we want. I fasted for 16 mondays. I would eat fruits the entire day and break my fast at night. I have believed that by the end of the 16th week we get what we want. I admit I was sad when I had not conceived even as I approached the end of the 16 week period. But I refused to give up and prayed with all my heart. On the 17th week I got a BFP. I did shashti pooja as well. I followed the methods mentioned by someone in this forum earlier. DH and I prayed together. I will admit that it lifted our spirits and we felt better. I wont say do this pooja or pray to this particular god...but I will say that prayers DO help and they make you feel better. Have faith as they can move mountains!


2. TAKE IT EASY!
I was worried. I did mark my BBT, I obsessed over my CM, I did all kinds of crazy things. I was obsessed with my diet, weight. I stopped anything which could remotely affect my chances of conception. I even had a timetable for IC during ovulation! Two week wait was the most horrible time. Every cramp, every backache, every twitch, every pimple, every hiccup was analysed and scrutinized. Result: did I conceive? NOPE, did this affect my marriage and sanity? YES! The month I conceived I let my guards down completely. I did not CARE about CM, I had a headache so I took some pain killers, I went out and had coffee. DH and I took a vacation and I ate in some unhygienic road side restaurant. I did not care about falling sick or anything. I was so sure that we would not conceive that I did not 'try' hard. And the two week wait? I did not think or worry. I frankly had no symptoms, no blood stained mucous discharge, NOTHING. So please do not fall into that trap! The more you worry about doing things right and the two week BS, the more stressed you feel! RELAX.


3. BE POSITIVE
I could never do this! They say meditation helps, forums help....i dont know. I could NEVER stay positive. I was depressed. But positive thinking would have helped. They say nothing is impossible. Maybe positive thinking is difficult but not impossible. But I found it very elusive especially as the months went by.


4. DOCTORS ARE NOT GODS!
Doctors will say things but what they say is NOT set in stone. I am a doctor so I know this just too well. DH and I got a full check up. Reports suggested everything was normal. We still didnt hit jackpot soon...I was toying with unexplained fertility and then just like that it happened!
I know of this couple who were TTC for nearly 3 years. They did all the tests and found that both husband and wife and a problem. They underwent treatment and within 6 months they conceived. They were happy. 5 years later they wanted another kid. They returned to the doctor who repeated all the tests. This time the husband's sperm count was lower and the sperm motility was decreased compared to the previous time. This was a long time ago so all the various options in assisted reproductive techniques were not available to them. The doc simply said "be happy you have one child. You simply cannot have a second kid. It is impossible, dont waste money and effort on something which just cannot be!" the couple were disappointed but they decided to move on. Two months later, the wife gets a BFP...just like that. No therapy, nothing....all natural. Apparently the doctor was shocked! Several months later, they had a smart daughter who is now all grown up and writing this post! My parents call me their miracle baby.


5. YOUR JOURNEY IS UNIQUE!
You will hear stories from people. Some will tell you how easily they conceived "we didnt even try....it just happened!" Some will tell you how horrible their journey has been. You may or may not have a similar experience. The more you think about others' stories, the more you will be stressed!


6. FACT CHECK: PEOPLE ARE INSENSITIVE! NOW MOVE ON
YEAH, yeah...we all have the horror stories. My friend avoided me because I didnt have kids, some were rude enough to say I was selfish because I did not have kids and wanted to concentrate on my career in the initial years of marriage. Relatives were rude and judgmental. One relative told my ILs to force me to have kids right in front of me! "Force your son and DIL. Initial years of marriage you can force DIL. As years go by it will be tough to get grand children. See how we put pressure on our DS, my DIL conceived in 3 months. You cannot leave these people to decide on their own!!" REALLY???!!! I stopped getting invited to birthday parties, naming ceremonies and baby showers. I was considered (and in some cases told) that my presence was inauspicious. Friends who knew I was struggling asked me if I would ever give them any "good news" and that it was high time i "try"!!!!
Dont listen to these people. Or, if it makes you feel better cry for a while, indulge in self pity but MOVE ON. They are not worth it...do you think the comments will die out once you have a baby? NOPE...people are ALWAYS caustic. When I told people that I was expecting people said "how sad! your life as you know is over" and one friend told DH "now you will know what is the meaning of marriage!" DH was particularly irked. So for the last 5 year when we were supposedly married we had no clue what marriage was??? Maybe TTC makes you sensitive...when the baby finally arrives the question will be when will you have another one? Clock is ticking you know!!
Ignore them and move on! Be insensitive to their insensitivity!


7. YOUR MARRIAGE IS IN YOUR HANDS!
Yes, TTC will drive you nuts... DH and I have had our fair share of arguments. He could not understand my struggle and I did not bother to understand his! He was stressed too...I made all this about me! My ovulation, my AF, social pressures on ME...what about HIM? Are we so naive to think that he is unaffected? Do we believe that our husbands dont really realise how we are slipping into depression every month? Or do you think there is NO pressure on him? I realised how terrible my DH had it when he broke down one day. The pain is felt by BOTH. Dont be a martyr and dont drown yourself in so much self pity that you cannot see DH suffering. I have said things to him which were hurtful and mean. He has been a pillar of strength and sometimes I wish I was a better friend/wife. So please communicate with your husband as much as you can. You are in this together and you have to get through as a team!