My friend lost her baby boy!!!how to console her

injustice · Apr 26, 2011

Hi my best friend....had one boy who is now 2yrs old...

she delivered her second baby boy in last month 2011, he was admitted in hospital on 18th april and on ventilators ... she called me and told ,when she told me i was not in my senses.. i was worrying from the time she called literaly speaking.. i felt like as if one of my family member is in danger... i started reading hanumna chalisa for him.

the whole night was restless thinking about him the same day my husband is full of hopes as i naturally in periods waiting for 14thday to IC. i spoiled his total time... i was literally feeling like to sleep & waiting for her call.. she callled me at 2 and 3:30 said that she dont have anymore hopes... her inlaws coming from india and she ended call. i was really really worry for her... my husband also worrying ..i spoiled his sleep and doctor told to do IC too i was not in mood... but morning she called me and warn to never call her again or email her or any other contacting her. i felt very bad...

i was taking her care so much even i felt bad... but how come she called and not telling the condition and asked me to never contact her in life...

why she did so... i am missing my friend.. i want to console her... convince her ... see it happens i understand her situation but she should not say to me like this ..

i am feeling like i am her bad luck so she warned me so...
i am not pregnant till today my mom mil always says me to don't go for baby showers and all. even though i did not go for her baby shower but always used to ask her feelings.. is this made like this?

i am feeling bad today... as i may be her bad luck...
please tell how to handle this situation . Is this wrong to try to get my friend back to normal..by calling her and emailing her...

why she told me so...

I clearly remember she called me at 2AM & said condition is serious , and again 3 told me no more hopes inlaws are coming from India and again 6 told me in clear voice that she accepted with that situation and told me no more hopes please do not contact me in email or phone in life... please ..she told so i asked her why are you saying so she said and warned me in clear voice to tell this i called you. good bye ..she told so..

i was so shocked what hell i did in that matter.?
my other common friend called her she spoken and tell news that baby boy was no more.. from common friend i came to know that.

In this did i do any wrong? what to do now?

Please tell should i really never contact her.. but i am feeling bad i cant loose my friend..

i cant see my friend in sorrow i really want to call her and console her.. at least once..but she is nto giving chance..

You tell people when she called me in midnight i was there waiting for her call...how much i was caring the whole day night i was doing pooja to god for her son..

why she told me..so?
what i can do now?

please is there any wrong i did?

please tell ladies!!i am missing her i am not there for her in this bad situation....

i really want to go her home and meet her and want to stay with her in this bad situation...

Why god is doing like this to me.. i don't have kids, now only friend speaks with me on phone now looks like i lost her too... with my bad luck

i really did not go for her baby shower too... but... why am i really bad luck to people who are expecting.......

injustice · Apr 27, 2011

surprise to me,no ladies are there for me int his thread?

did i speak any wrong here?

satchitananda · Apr 27, 2011

Injustice,

What happened is really very sad. But you have to understand one thing - you cannot force your sympathies on someone who (for whatever her reasons) does not want it. No one can bring anyone bad luck. So don't agonize about why she behaved the way she did. Obviously her mental state is not one in which she is thinking rationally. So there is no point trying to rationalize with her. When people are grieving, they try to find reasons for their loss which may not make any sense to anyone except themselves.

Just remember you are not responsible for her loss. You have not brought any one bad luck. Don't think about her so much. Try to divert your mind and get on with your own life.

I know it is very painful to lose a friend, but in life we meet people and they go out of our lives. We just have to learn to accept that and get on with life.

All the best to you.

sarayu18 · Apr 27, 2011

Injustice,

your post is not clear. You say the boy is 2 years old and again you say he was born last month. When she called you, she probably expected you to be there. From what I understand, you could not go because you had to do IC as it was your day 14. The second reason, you are assuming that because she had a kid and you could not conceive, your misfortune led to her misfortune, that is why she is angry with you.

I can relate to your situation. Even I am scared to carry anybodys kid because if something happens to them, there are very high chances that the blame comes on us. We have no choice but take it untill we have a kid.

If you really want to personally meet her, go with your husband. That way if something happens your husband can take your stand.

Dhaanika · Apr 27, 2011

Maybe she expected you to be with her when she called the first time and is angry about you not showing up.

She's probably going through grief, and you really can't do anything beside letting her know you're there to support her should she like it. Maybe you can write a letter to her expressing your support but don't get into the other stuff. Just hang in there, stay calm, and don't take what she says to you very personally right now if you care to keep the friendship.

You really can't force bad luck or whatever on someone, so rest your mind about that.

injustice · Apr 27, 2011

Its her second son she lost who is a month old.

i am in detroit she is in virginia. i want to fly in flight now..but she promised me to do not contact her anyway....

i dont know her addres too... i found out on goofgle in address finder with so much effort.

i think i will aloow wht one ilite said i will write a letter to her.

DNM · Apr 27, 2011

I second what Sat said. Your friend is in grief right now and probably not in a rational frame of mind. I know you want to help but don't force her to aknowldge that you had nothing to do with her son's death. Maybe you could send her a condolance letter or card offering your support.

You need to yourself believe that you are not bad luck. There is no such thing as that. What you have is a medical issue that is delaying your TTC. Thats the logical way of looking at it. It is not your fault and you do not need to be embarrased or shamed or guilty about a medical condition. Would you be apologizing profusely to people for having a cold, or a back pain? Huh? Don't let your mil or anyone else tell you that you as a person will bring others bad luck.

Those that don't want to be your friend for that reason, to hell with them. Thier loss. Be confident and positive. Ok? Your baby time will come one way or the other.

Be sympathetic towards your friend but do not take what she said seriously and blame yourself.

babycorn · Apr 27, 2011

I agree with sat and DNM.Her current state of mind is very different.So dont pay much attention to what she said.Continue with your TTC.best wishes for you to hold your baby soon.