IndusLadies - Relationship With In-Laws http://www.indusladies.com/forums Share and discuss about your relationship with In-laws - Mother in-law, Sister in-law, Father in-law, Brother in-law and more... en Sat, 21 Nov 2009 08:19:34 GMT vBulletin 60 http://www.IndusLadies.com/forums/images/006/misc/rss.jpg IndusLadies - Relationship With In-Laws http://www.indusladies.com/forums should I ask my husband to add my name in account or get divorced http://www.indusladies.com/forums/relationship-with-in-laws/77753-should-i-ask-my-husband.html Fri, 20 Nov 2009 05:30:40 GMT I want to share something about me. I hope somebody of you can help me about it. I got married 4 yrs ago..My DH were doing job.... so I came to USA with him.....I realized my husband is purely "mama's boy"....We both decided to go back to school...My DH were getting stipend which was enough for our day to day life...he had enough savings from his job which he used for paying my school fees....He really had a great heart for me......Everything was good till my MIL came to visit my house....She showed me her true colors....She was totally against my education....top of that my husband was paying USD for it...For small small things she started making issues...and made my DH against me.....She taught her son that whatever he earned before marriage...It should be of her.....So his son opened an account in India and transferred 50% of it and made her as a nominee....DH didn't include my name at all.....We got fighting about it...but useless....After a year or so, he said he'll put my name when he will visit India (later I got to know it was just for postponing the fighting).....We had a joint account in USA in which he just keeps money whatever I need for my school or any other small expenses...

After my study, I got a good job...I was keeping all my money in same joint account....I have earned almost double (of whatever he paid for my school) during my job and I was blessed with a baby....We decided to move back to India because of his parents pressure....He decided to transfer our joint account's money to his Indian account. I didn't say anything and thought he'll include my name surely when we'll go back to India...We both came back and he joined his job here....After 2-3 days I asked him to go to bank with me...He said he'll not go and will not put my name in that account....I got fighting and his mom came in our room and said I asked him not to put your name in account...In our family, there is no wife's name in account. Only husband holds all money.....My DH said because this is the amount I had before marriage...I'll invest it for my parents whenever they need...and wherever they want....Actually my income + all money is only 10 lacs more than whatever we had before our study had been started...I asked him whatever he wants to do we'll do together...If he wants to invest for his father that will be ok for me...but he started arguments about it and said I see you never think my parents as your own...you will never let me invest for them...so this account will not have your name......Also, my MIL taught him that I'll take away his money if he'll put my name..I asked him to put my name like if there is anything bad happens I can use this money for me and my baby......which is nonsense..My family is very reputed...nobody did like that.....I have left my job because of him...I was earning so much in USA...I do not want anything now because u r properly taking care of us....He says if I'll not be in this world...do not worry...first my mom will get everything and then she'll give it to u...This is her right...and I believe she'll not do any injustice with u..

During this fight, I have planned to visit my parents place as my father didn't see my baby at all...During my stay, My IL and DH came to my home and start fighting with my parents that I never considered them as a parent in last 4 years...blah blah...He totally made my DH against me and my DH got ready to separate from me...My FIL said we'll not include her name in account...if she is agreeing then only she can come to our home....My father is a very small business man and my FIL is serviceman and having a big post and very powerful from every prospects...My father didn't speak a single word and said she'll go with you and will not say anything...Actually my father doesn't want us to get divorced....We have a little baby too...I personally do not have any complaint with my husband but my MIL is doing everything which is sure...She is making everybody against me...She is a dual personality....I have seen her dramas...And my husband does whatever she wants....

Now I am back to my DH house...My IL are not living with me but once we'll settle down properly..they'll come to stay with us....My DH doesn't talk about in this matter....If I say anything he says we have already said in ur house if u were not agreeing then why did u come back...I can not do job now as my baby is too small for creches/ baby sitter....personally I feel I should give some time to her...I do not have any money on my name...He gives me money for day to day expenses...But I do not feel good....I think he can give me money whatever I have earned (-minus) whatever he spent on my education..But I do not want that...I want my name in that account as a wife as he has his mom's name....I want my right...I am not a begger...Sometimes I think if anything bad happens with him..We'll be on road....His parents will never give anything to us....I have a baby girl....his mom never likes a baby girl....She wanted a boy....I do not want to take money for day to day life also but in India we need cash everytime...and he doesn't go for shopping at all......If I need anything so I have to go.....I am full of tears everyday behind him...What should I ask him....He'll not listen anything...He is in full control of my MIL...They talk everyday over phone...and he tells every small things to them ....He talks 3 times in a day in which 2 times infront of me and one time from office....

My parents every time says...do not think anything ...live happily....Forget about old money...start your job as soon as possible and keep separate account...where u should save ur money.....Because of this money issue, you shouldn't break ur home...becz ur home is important for you not money....Nothing will be wrong....Believe in god..I am well educated and can start earning any time...but considering small baby I want some time.......My husband has only a big brother who is living in USA..There is no issue with them....Because of my daughter I am not earning anything now...He knows about it....also he doesn't want me to earn but he can not stop me in this matter now...Sometimes I think I shouldn't have come from my parents house at all with him...If these guys wanted us to live separately...I should let them do it....They were happy with money and I should be happy with my daughter...But I was continuously thinking about my daughter....what will be with her if she'll not see her father around.....


I strongly want to save our relationship not becz I love him but becz My daughter needs both of us..He really loves her...but to her mom more than us:bonk ]]> Relationship With In-Laws sng http://www.indusladies.com/forums/relationship-with-in-laws/77753-should-i-ask-my-husband.html Mending my relationship with my mother - 2 http://www.indusladies.com/forums/relationship-with-in-laws/77739-mending-my-relationship-my-mother.html Fri, 20 Nov 2009 02:58:41 GMT I am back with the same problem except it has taken an unexpected twist. As i stated my moving out has put my mom in a shock and depression. She doesnt look at me, talk to me , flat to say i have become invisible in the house. The moving day is almost close. Couple of weeks back when i broke the... I am back with the same problem except it has taken an unexpected twist.
As i stated my moving out has put my mom in a shock and depression. She doesnt look at me, talk to me , flat to say i have become invisible in the house. The moving day is almost close. Couple of weeks back when i broke the news of my moving out, my mom threw too many harsh words and recalling all the unplesant mnute events that happened from day 1 of my marriage. I couldnt beleive that could recall the most minute events that i could hardly recall it ever happened. This made me conclude not to approach my mom to make her understand the situation. I did say one thing very clearly to her that i will not reveal the true purpose of my move. I will make up as my kids schooling because my moms main concern was the society comments.

The shock of my life. My uncle had visited and mom told him so ill of me, also blaming my husband for the move and even stated me as an ungrateful dog to him. She was least bothered that i would hear their conversation. All i could do was cry in my room. I couldnt confront her at thst moment as it would be humiliating myself in front of our relatives. I was also afraid she might throw more false comments and humiliate me further. I cannot discuss this to my husband as he would blow up and may completely disconnect them from his life.

I am so down and depressed asi am not able to digest how could my mom talk so low abt to to our relatives. ]]> Relationship With In-Laws SKK http://www.indusladies.com/forums/relationship-with-in-laws/77739-mending-my-relationship-my-mother.html I need help immediately,something is making me think think think.Plz urgent http://www.indusladies.com/forums/relationship-with-in-laws/77714-i-need-help-immediately-something.html Thu, 19 Nov 2009 20:26:10 GMT I am back with my woes.Mentally I am still feeling pretty anxious now and then but I seem to have been able to keep it under control from going over the top. I am just waiting to complete my last trimester and have the baby so that I can start seeking therapy for my worries. Ok what happened is... I am back with my woes.Mentally I am still feeling pretty anxious now and then but I seem to have been able to keep it under control from going over the top. I am just waiting to complete my last trimester and have the baby so that I can start seeking therapy for my worries.

Ok what happened is this.I read about a new member's question about whether her husband is insensitive or just practical
She has written that her husband does not wish to go back to India for parents sake but for his own sake maybe many years from now.He thinks he can help his parents all he can when they need help from US itself.
Now only difference between me and this lady in the regard is that,she seemed worried that her husband was so practical whereas I am happy that mine is like that.I just cannot bear the thought of living with in-laws of going back to India and having anxious thoughts every now and then with them around.It will flare up my crazy mind and I WILL go totally mad.

Now the my problem is some posters on there like suitable girl said yes even her husband is equally practical in this matter,some said it is good to be practical but one or two of you said that he will could change his decision when the time comes and then want to move back and move in with them which I imply means he does know what he is talking and he will know only when the time comes and when one of them is not well...ie he is not able to comprehend a situation where they are unwell..

Now my husband says although it is a hypothetical situation he is able to comprehend it and he would still stick to his belief that going back and physically being there all the time with them makes less sense.
He says he would have thought of something if he was the only son,but he's not and he has relatives and an older brother as well to share responsibilities with him.

I don't know I am getting so restless since I read all that thinking he is young and does not know what he's talking and when one of them is not well he will want to move back and all his belief,promise whatever will change.
I just want to be able to believe him when he says no matter what this what he will do, or else my mind will make me go crazy.
I have seen him be very practical yes,even when his dad was not well and he handled it practically ie sent money,went to visit, called daily, etc.

I am not a selfish person.I will not mind any kind of help to my in-laws from a distant and he's a very good son as well.

One more thing, anyone on here who wants to lecture me about my selfishness,who wants to start with the whole physically care is better than PAID care,karma will find me,and what if my brother does this and that to my parents, PLEASE PLEASE DO NOT REPLY.I think I know a couple of us in this forum who would like to do just that without thinking the consequences would not help me.

I do not want to hear from you as it will topple me into a deep dark world if you start the lecturing.

I would love people who have equally practical husbands or who think this arrangement is not wrong to help me.

Suitable girl, what do you think? Do you think your husband would change and want to go back if one parents falls sick Do you think he can talk all this because he's not able to imagine them not well yet and that when it happens he will change his decisions?

Please help me ladies, I need your help desperately.

Sandhya ]]> Relationship With In-Laws sandhya303 http://www.indusladies.com/forums/relationship-with-in-laws/77714-i-need-help-immediately-something.html Has your DH ever stood up for you in front of his parents? http://www.indusladies.com/forums/relationship-with-in-laws/77691-has-your-dh-ever-stood.html Thu, 19 Nov 2009 16:08:45 GMT Ladies,

I often dream (fantasize?) about my husband speaking up for me in front of his family or parents. There have been some occasions when he could have or should have, but it didn't happen. I have made my peace with it. Looks like slowly convincing them for more than two years to say yes to our marriage was the last time he "spoke up" for me. After that a pin can be heard dropping into the silence, no more speaking up.

Question: Has your husband ever spoken up for you in front of his family, parents, relatives? Supported you vocally? If possible, tell a little about the incident and how you felt?

Question is very specific, and hopefully answers will focus on that. I am not looking for related points like why should husbands speak up, why they cannot, why wife should deal directly with in-laws and so on.

-Rihana ]]> Relationship With In-Laws Rihana http://www.indusladies.com/forums/relationship-with-in-laws/77691-has-your-dh-ever-stood.html Interesting article on Resolving Relationship Conflicts http://www.indusladies.com/forums/relationship-with-in-laws/77690-interesting-article-resolving-relationship-conflicts.html Thu, 19 Nov 2009 15:46:04 GMT Hi Friends, Everyday we face so many issues in our life. I look for ideas to resolve them like many of you. I found something really interesting and wanted to share with you. Moderator : Could you please mention where you found this one from ? I mean the author of this write up not the... Hi Friends,
Everyday we face so many issues in our life. I look for ideas to resolve them like many of you.


I found something really interesting and wanted to share with you.

Moderator : Could you please mention where you found this one from ? I mean the author of this write up not the website.


Hope this will help us.



Every relationship in our life – friendships, family, romantic and professional – can potentially be destroyed by conflict. The solution is not to ignore the conflict or keep moving around hoping to find a set of perfect people. We need to deal with the problems we currently face, otherwise they will just reappear elsewhere.
To a large extent, the only thing we can change in relationships is ourself and our own attitude. We can’t expect to change other people, but we can learn to deal with relationships in a way that promotes harmony and diffuses conflict. Resolving conflicts in relationships is one of the most important life skills we can develop and it is something we need to value.
Seeing the Issue From the Other Person’s Perspective

If we have a difficult issue, it is important to see the problem from the other person’s perspective. This does not mean we have to agree with their viewpoint; it means we try to see the issue from a different perspective. This empathy can at least help us to understand where they are coming from, and why they have their particular mindset. If we can do this we may wish to moderate our stance because we understand why they are acting in a certain way. If we only look at things from our perspective, conflict will be much more likely to occur. For example, a parent dealing with difficult children should consider the perspective that children can have at that point in life.
Tolerance

A major cause of conflict in relationships is when we expect people to behave in a certain way. The problem with expecting certain behaviour is that we get upset when they fail to live up to our expectations. Even those close to us are not our responsibility; we need to be tolerant of their mistakes and limitations. We have to respect their decisions on how to live their life. This detachment is not indifference; we shall retain concern and goodwill, but there comes a point where we need to give people the freedom to make their own choices – even if we don’t agree with them. This is especially true for parents who have an overbearing expectation of how their children will live their lives.

Dealing with Anger


Unfortunately, if we respond to situations by getting angry we will exacerbate the problem. Anger embodies a feeling of aggression and condemnation which people struggle to deal with it. Invariably it encourages people to respond in a similar way. If we feel angry, the best solution is to avoid talking / arguing at that particular time. We should calm our anger before confronting other people. Any conflict will only be exacerbated by anger. Similarly, if people approach us with anger, we have to respond in a different way – silence is better than getting mad at someone.
Value Harmony

To a large extent we get what we aspire for. If we really value harmony in our relationships with others, then we will make it happen. If we give greater important to proving ourselves right and our own ego, then there will be a constant feeling of superiority and inferiority which breeds conflict. If we keep reminding ourselves of the desirability of harmony we won’t allow ourselves to become cantankerous and miserable; we will work hard to think of others.
Oneness

The real secret to maintaining good relationships is generating a feeling of oneness. This means we will feel happy at the success of others; we will sympathize when they experience difficulties; we will endeavour to avoid hurting their feelings. In oneness there is no superiority and inferiority. Without oneness, we are prone to feelings of pride, jealousy and insecurity. If you feel a really genuine sense of oneness with other people, how can you want to hurt them?


Insecurity and Inner Poise

When we are full of insecurities our relationships become more difficult. The problem is that if we are insecure about ourselves we can become judgemental about other people; to make ourselves feel better we will start criticizing others. We may not be conscious of this, but it does happen. When we are peace with ourselves, good relationships will be natural. When we have inner peace and poise, we don’t rely on other people to give us security and praise. When we are at peace with ourselves, we tend to have a sympathetic and positive view of the world. Often we want to blame bad relationships on other people; but, actually the only thing we can really do is to work on ourselves. If we develop inner peace and poise our relationships will definitely improve.
Talking

When tense situations arise, talking can be the most effective way of moving past the problem. Some things are best left unsaid; it is inadvisable to bring up old conflicts unless absolutely necessary. When talking we should try to converse on positive issues; look for things which we agree on and can work together on.
Perspective

Don’t get upset about little things. In the great cosmic game, most of the minor personality conflicts are relatively insignificant. If we get mad when someone doesn’t do the washing up, how are we going to react when they do something really bad? If you find yourself getting worked up by a series of small things, take a step back and try to evaluate their relative importance. For each minor failing try to think of a really good quality of that person. If you are sincere you will feel that this good quality is far more important than the minor indiscretion.
Raising Problems

Although we don’t want to bring up old scores, sometimes it is important to make another person aware of the problems they are creating. If we feel someone else is constantly doing something wrong, we need to make them aware of their behaviour in a non confrontational way. Often people just aren’t aware of the problems they are creating and may actually appreciate being made aware of the problem. The best approach is to try and make them aware of how their actions cause pain to others; but, we need to try and do it in a way that doesn’t make them feel excessively guilty. Give them room and encouragement to make the necessary change.
No conflict is intractable. If we are willing to change our attitude we can develop harmony even with difficult people. It is always important to be positive and forget the past. If we can develop harmony in our relationships, it will definitely make a big difference to our life. ]]> Relationship With In-Laws Tanishq http://www.indusladies.com/forums/relationship-with-in-laws/77690-interesting-article-resolving-relationship-conflicts.html help my friend to take decision http://www.indusladies.com/forums/relationship-with-in-laws/77666-help-my-friend-take-decision.html Thu, 19 Nov 2009 12:15:03 GMT hi friends, One of my close friend is in a problem,we both were classmates .now she is in hydrabad.she is married too and well settled.she is having a brother and parents at tamilnadu.we both did MCA together.that time she fell in love with a guy.he is a good guy.i know him very well.most of... hi friends,

One of my close friend is in a problem,we both were classmates .now she is in hydrabad.she is married too and well settled.she is having a brother and parents at tamilnadu.we both did MCA together.that time she fell in love with a guy.he is a good guy.i know him very well.most of the time he talk to me only abt her.they both are from same status and diff community.

frist he was working in a computer centre.she told him to go to chennai,and search a job.then he went.after 15 days he got a job in a s/w comp.he earned nearly 15k per month.so both were confident.that time her parents fixed her marriage.she told to her parents,they called the guy in phone.they scolded a lot,called hos parents too.it became a big problem.same time the next day thye have to tell the groom's parents abt the marriage date.she cried a lot.both the parents not agreed.and he is in chennai,he can't come that time.anyway she agreed for marriage.

she got married,but her mil is a good problem maker.her dh is a very good mom's boy.her sil was not having a child.so her dh said after her only you have to get pregnant.but after 1 yr she got pregnant anyway.now she had a girl baby.till her sil is not haviing an issue.from the when she got pregnant ,the guy do't have sex with her.now her girl is 3 years old.this 4 yrs they do't have any relations.he started from his friends.but they r ina same house .often her mil create problem.when she got married she told her hubby ,that she had a boy friend.that's it not bigger than that.

now her mil created a problem,he will not ask w"what happened " to his wife.he always listen only to his mom.that day he badly beated her.he said i know how you are b4 marriage."you used go with that guy,i know"like that he said.but i know both are not like that.they both love very sincerly.one of his friend and me only knows that they r in love .for the other they r only friends.bcoz he do't want to abuse her name in the collage.if everybody knows then they will tease na.

now she and her dh are not speaking at all.he is eating out only not at home he wil come only for sleep.she is with her kid.but with this problem how can she be happy playing with her kid.

she said i'm going out from this guy.i'm going to work.but he will not allow to took her child.she is will not be with her kid.he said if you want go out.but do't take the child. if you took the child then i will tell all of your relatives abt your love ,and the releationship with the guy.

but she knows he cant raise the child by himself.he needs his moms helf .his mom will abuse the child's life.if she is there then her mil take care the child . if she went out then she will abuse the child.but she can't live happly there.

what to do friends?i was very much confused.i only called her daily and telling her "do't worry,this will pass"...but i do't know how?

but now also his bf is loving her.he is not married .he is well settled in US.but she can't go him.also she can't ask the guy to marry her again.if this happens she is the happiest girl in the world.but it is not possible...
sometimes he will call me and ask about her.i will say only good thinks about her.

suggest me friends? ]]> Relationship With In-Laws shinimkumar http://www.indusladies.com/forums/relationship-with-in-laws/77666-help-my-friend-take-decision.html Help me to get out of frustration http://www.indusladies.com/forums/relationship-with-in-laws/77627-help-me-get-out-frustration.html Thu, 19 Nov 2009 05:39:47 GMT Hi,
Am here again for all your suggestions. I have already given a brief description about my family background.
Now again it's like there is some triff and issues in my BIL's family. I dont know what happened actually but am sure that there is some problem between my BIL and co-sis and my MIL is right in my co-sis place to solve the issue.
I can see my PILs and SIL(DH's sis) calling him and discussing as what to do next and asusual it's THEIR family stuff and me alone in their entire family is not informed about this.
This disturbed me in the initial days but now am okay with all your advices and now I know "It's none of my business".
Now the problem is my peaceful life is getting disturbed by this.Since am not sure what is happening in their family am casual to my DH and he feels "I am HAPPILY ENJOYING my life" when his entire family is in problem.
Also he wants me to think that "There MIGHT be some issues in HIS family. So we (me and my kid) shouldnt enjoy."
My question is when am not being treated as a part of his family then why should i think about their issues and feel bad for that? If he wants let him feel for that.
Also I dont get any intimate feeling(pls note I dont want to be intimate too either) neither a basic soft feeling for any of His guys.
Is that am thinking in a wrong perspective?
Will u ladies get involved in DH's family if you were not even informed about anything in their family.
Now my FIL do call me to ask silly questions like "What did you cook today?" Also he complaints am not saying anything what's happening in my home regarding my kid.
Also he complains me not talking to SIL or anybody for that matter.
Actually I dont feel like acting over the fone when I really dont care what happens to them. They showed me clearly that they can take care of everything with their son/brother. then why should i ask anything to them.Even if i ask i will get the answer as "We are perfectly fine". Becoz they know for sure that I wouldn't have any clue as what is happening in their family.
I feel like being fooled when people lie to me that too when I know for sure that it's a lie.
DH expects me to be a dump in his family affairs. Fine with me. But obviously I feel a hatredness getting sprouted in me for him.
I feel like he is treating me like a maid. I must make his food ready, wash his clothes and say bye when he go out. I shouldnt ask where is he going
All of a sudden he would say "in next 30 mins am starting to my native". But I shouldnt ask him Why he wants to go to his native when his parents are here. In the middle he would get down and return back too.
Then too I shouldn't ask him what happened and why he returned in the middle of the journey.
My question is "Is all guys like this?" or am i expecting too much?
Till now I dint ask him anything. Also I dont feel like asking anything to him. I dont want to know if wants anything to eat? Is he feeling tired? does he want coffee?
Anything mathlab anything.
I feel frustrated.
Pls help me. ]]> Relationship With In-Laws Nakshathra http://www.indusladies.com/forums/relationship-with-in-laws/77627-help-me-get-out-frustration.html ILS Attitude/Comparing sons http://www.indusladies.com/forums/relationship-with-in-laws/77583-ils-attitude-comparing-sons.html Wed, 18 Nov 2009 21:12:21 GMT my mil has this habit of telling us what her elder son gifted. Until now I did not know that she was trying to influence what we gift them. Without our knowledge we were trying to be nice & gift equally so we are not the not-nice/stingy ones. But we came to know she does the same thing to the elder brother as well and they also have started to feel bad just like us.

Sometimes, I just ignore when she tells something but break my head over it & my dh feels guilty that he is not good enuf as his brother even if he decides against it. It is causing a lot of stress on us.

For me gifting is a pleasure. I put my heart & soul (& a LOT of time & energy) into the gifts I buy and buy beyond the receivers taste so they appreciate it. But I dont find joy when I am demanded for gifts. My ils wont even comment if they liked it(bad comments of course find a way out!!). My husband & we gave them lot of gold coins over the yrs before wedding and after and till date they havent even told us for courtesy sakes what jewels they made them into. They dont consider gold coins as jewellery. my mil asks for all day to day stuff when we go or they come for a visit - clothes, shoes for her daughter, son-in-law, grandkids, handbags, shampoo, soap, cookware, cookies, chocs, pop-corn, dry nuts, toys, watches, stationery - you name it & they want it. They do not want to reuse the winter wear from last trip & buy new ones everytime they visit. I wear my company jackets but my fil wont even around the house.

Something which I do not appreciate is their attitude when they visit. They take everything for granted as though its free stuff and waste food and groceries a lot. But back in India she is very frugal abt every penny. How is this to be tolerated? I dont think everyone in India is like this. BEcause I know my parents. They try to do whatever they can to get stuff from india when they visit and avoid unnessary spending.

Other thing What botehrs me is we do not mind providing for parents/inlaws but providing for the entire sil family from top-bottom everyday living? We made fixed deposits for huge amounts for her kids on demand. We havet even done this for our kids yet. They only pay for their monthly grocery(stuff they cant carry from US!) & school fees. I am sure when it comes to paying high fees for any college education, weddings its going to be demanded from us. Who is going to be doing such for our family - I dont want anyone to do that to us and pray God we shud be able to take care of our expenses.

They say everything is available in India these days but she gets them from here because we CAN buy it for them & have the money! How can I tell her, its not in the best financial interests for us! But if I ask for anything from India, she says oh you get in in indian shops there, dont you? Yes, I get it but cant I get stuff that might be cheaper or authentic from India? Aprt from the gifts, we have to get both mil & sils family sarees (only expensive silk ~5k) and sil's hubby & kids when we visit. I dont understand how my sil is so greedy (she wont ask anythig by herself though - evrything is her mom) by getting everything and not even returning the gesture by gifting a simple saree when we visit. When the topic comes, they say something like we wont like the gifts they get for us. They think we earn more than in India. but doing the math...

eg. 50k monthly salary in India (my sil & family gets more)
250k salary in US

5 times more is what they think. Take into account the price inflation we pay for groceries till day care and budget for gifts, India tickets, visits from India. I have heard this complaint from many of my freinds too that people back home think money can be picked from trees in US. What is a nice way to let these people know we hav a family of our own and it is a big deal for us too?

dh thinks we cant subtly hint also that we think abt what we spend for them as his mom starts off by how his dad worked hard to bring them up. As though mine work hard?? It doesnt mean I have to provide for my sil's family!

I sometimes feel I should just resign and take care of my kids as whats the point in earning by slogging and sending kids to day care. The amt of stress in corporate world. My mil thinks any job is normal for girls and doent know the differences between my job and her daughters. she thinks i just hop on the car and sit in front of the PC and com back home. I put all my wishes & desires and even needs aside for my family, but when I have to make lavish gifting I feel so depressed. Is it because I dont fulfil my wants? or the fact that my contribution towards the family is unrecognised? or Am I just ebign selfish or is anyone else in my boat?

I feel mad at dh sometimes because he doesnt realize how i put my needs behind and how efficiently i run the household and how my financial contribution is enabling us to live the life we are. Its easy to say, quit your job and sit back but is that practical? I just want to sensefully deal with these issues. ]]> Relationship With In-Laws ksujana http://www.indusladies.com/forums/relationship-with-in-laws/77583-ils-attitude-comparing-sons.html Problem with SIL...Help!! http://www.indusladies.com/forums/relationship-with-in-laws/77572-problem-with-sil-help.html Wed, 18 Nov 2009 18:49:12 GMT Hi Ladies: I am new to this forum. Please read on and advise me. My Parents side: We were a family of 5. Mom,dad,2sisters and brother All of us are married now. It was my wedding first and then my brothers and then sisters. My brothers was an arranged marriage and for that matter all of us... Hi Ladies:

I am new to this forum. Please read on and advise me.

My Parents side: We were a family of 5. Mom,dad,2sisters and brother

All of us are married now. It was my wedding first and then my brothers and then sisters. My brothers was an arranged marriage and for that matter all of us had arranged marriage. SIL(brothers wife) has been working even before marriage. After marriage she came to US along with brother. Initially, she had lot of problems health wise. She is very weak physically. She was once complaining of backache and other things and instead of just sympathising and keeping my mouth shut I advised her.:bonk I told her to consider quitting her job and stay home for some time. I am a year younger to her. Coincidentally, my mom also advised the same when she talked to her. My mom went to the extent of saying that her dh (my bro) is well settled so she can also relax and take life easy instead of slogging like that in an unknown land (US) with no help at all.
Ok now all this apparently pissed her off and we did not realize until she stopped talking to us. Later, brother told that you should not have told like that. I was shocked! We had a discussion once when we all met in India without my Parents. I told if it hurt her then I am sorry but I just meant to help her out. She said instead of asking me to quit job you should have called up your brother and asked him to help me on this. You should have asked him to take care of me. Does your brother not have any responsibility. She said right infront of brother, mom was not there, "How dare your mom asking me to sit at home like you and your sister? Does she think I am here to vegetate on her son's money, I need my life and my career. She just wants me to be a maid for her and her son". To all this brother was only a mute spectator. I told please don't use those words towards my mom. What if your SIL told something hurtful towards your mom. She said "my Parents have raised us better and we know how to take care of our SIL." Her voice is also shrill and loud...I just freeze when she sarts...really!!
Ok now friends, whenever I go to their place what I get to see is my brother doing the dishes if she is cooking. Brother loads the washer and once done she folds the laundry. I used to even tease and taunt dh privately though how my brother looks after his wife while dh lazes expecting me to wait on him for everything. Really, I liked what I saw at my brothers place the way they help each other in every chore. Once when SIL saw me doing stuff for dh she even told me to involve dh in all the chores not to do like that otherwise men expect too much from wife.

I told her in our discussion what I saw at their place and that my brother helps her out way better than any other man. She made a big issue out of this. To my fate, my brother also scolded me. Even though I apologised she is not ready to talk to me. She only speaks to the point needed with my mom. She even went to the extent tellling my parents brought us up in a very insensitve manner. She gets hurt for every little thing I feel. She expects us to read her mind. Once she went out shopping and by the time she returned we all had lunch including brother for which she was so mad. It was getting late and we were all hungry. She still had food remaining which we kept for her.
One time though my Parents do not eat non-veg but I like making and my brother likes eating sometimes so when we all met in India I made for which she was upset that brother ate even though she does not like.
One time my nephew (brother's son)got hurt while playing and mom was hurrying and looking for band-aid when brother told to take it easy since it was not much and also said 'this boy makes a fuss of every little thing' so amma don't worry he is OK. She yelled at my brother....GOD! I was more worried if neighbors would get to hear...you know in India how neighbors are?
I dont know what is her problem.
When they go to India she will only stay for a week out of 4 weeks with my Parents though her parents are in the same town. I feel my parents need better treatment than this. She says that her Parents raised them to be independent and since I do not work she says sarcastically that my Parents raised me and my sister to be only good housewives. She says we sisters are more interested in decorating our houses and making new recipes than bettering our careers.My sister and me both are graduates and we stay home out of choice. I worked but quit since I had a baby. Same is the case with my sister. How hurtful her words are sometimes? But these days brother also supports her ..... and scolds us and says we need to respect her and listen to her.
She had a surgery and immediately started on her MS. My mom asked her to take rest. Also they were planning on a baby so mom said not to tire herself out. Though she did her way, finished MS with brother taking care of all the work at home she still blames my mom for not helping them in those days. My sister was yet to get married so my mom had to be there looking for alliances. I really do not know what happened but brother also started keeping distance talking only ocassionaly to me though we live in the same country. His calls for parents have also decreased.


Sorry for the long post.
Ladies, will I ever get peace with her.
Tara ]]> Relationship With In-Laws Tara09 http://www.indusladies.com/forums/relationship-with-in-laws/77572-problem-with-sil-help.html <![CDATA[Ideas for celebrating IL's marraige anniv]]> http://www.indusladies.com/forums/relationship-with-in-laws/77507-ideas-celebrating-ils-marraige-anniv.html Wed, 18 Nov 2009 10:01:11 GMT My MIL and FIL are here with me for 2 months and their Marriage Anniversary is approaching on 26th Nov,:cheers I want to make this anniversary a most memorable...]]> Hello all you wonderful Ilites there,

My MIL and FIL are here with me for 2 months and their Marriage Anniversary is approaching on 26th Nov,:cheers I want to make this anniversary a most memorable day of their life. But not getting any innovative idea :confused2:. Actually there are lots of restriction, I’ll first tell what I thought :

1. We’ll start this day by going to temple in the morning
2. I will prepare a lavish lunch at home
3. will prepare a cake at home (as they are pure vegetarian and don’t even eat egg) and decorate the house secretly, when my husband will take them out for some shopping
4. And for dinner we’ll book a table in some nice vegetarian Indian restaurant where they can have a candle light dinner together.:banana

This is what I’ve planned, but there are few problems in this plan. I still couldn’t think of any special gift for them which they will cherish lifelong. I thought of giving them a nice portrait with their own picture but not sure if this is a good idea or not.

Another problem is the candle light dinner for both of them. They won’t be agreed for this idea if I and my husband will not join them for dinner and I really wish they enjoy this time with each other without anyone else around.

Guys, if you can give some more good idea :goodidea: it will help me to give my parents few good memories….

Looking forward to get loads of ideas… :party
]]> Relationship With In-Laws sharma_shilpa http://www.indusladies.com/forums/relationship-with-in-laws/77507-ideas-celebrating-ils-marraige-anniv.html an issue http://www.indusladies.com/forums/relationship-with-in-laws/77462-an-issue.html Tue, 17 Nov 2009 20:05:43 GMT Hi everyone, I am posting in the section for the first time.I am more active in the pregnancy sections as I am due in a few months. I am glad to have found these forums to ask questions,discuss,help and sometimes vent:cheers There is a question in my mind that has been troubling me... Hi everyone,

I am posting in the section for the first time.I am more active in the pregnancy sections as I am due in a few months.

I am glad to have found these forums to ask questions,discuss,help and sometimes vent:cheers

There is a question in my mind that has been troubling me since a few weeks. I thought maybe asking you ladies would help.
DH and I have been married since 7 years almost.We are expecting our first soon. We moved to US almost soon after marriage together,ie we both landed here for the first time together.Initially we both thought its going to be temporary as he worked for an Indian company but then he went on to study further and is not working in a huge US company.I don't work so he is the earning member and he comes from a middle class family so not much of financial backing.
He has one elder brother who married an girl who was born and bred in US but is Indian.Since this girls family lives here she wont be going back to India ever and she's made that clear.BIL married a few years after we got married.
My in-laws live in a small town in India(not a village but not a big city either) and they have sufficient money to be on their own.These 2 brothers send them money regularly and we make sure to visit them EVERY single year without fail.They have visited us a couple of times as well. They are almost 65 I guess and FIL does not keep very well.He has diabetes and many ailments and they DO feel alone in India but they do have a few relatives in different cities who visit etc.
Now the thing is is: I am a little confused about one thing.I know this might sound like I am an over caring DIL but thats not the case.I have had my share of problems with my MIL but all became fine a couple of years after marriage when she realized I wasnt here to snatch her son from her.
When I ask my DH if he would like to bring his parents here or return to India to be with them he says no.Now he's a very good guy,he loves them soooo much and is a very good son.His reasoning is that he can do all he wants to do even from US and if they ever need him in emergency he will be there in 14 hrs to see them,he says if they need him he could hire help,nurses,visit them every 6 months and generally be there for them in all ways.He has never seen a joint family system as his own mum never stayed with her in-laws.He knows I am not the kind who would love to stay with them but I guess he also knows I will never shrug my responsibilities,SO he's definitely not saying these thing to make ME happy as I am just not that kind of person and he knows it.

Now coming back to that,he says 7-8 yrs from now or maybe 10 yrs from now he would like to re-evaluate his life (God-willing)and then think if he wants to move back but again only to be closer to his roots not even 1%of that is because of his parents. My question is,is he so insensitive?? He does not know his responsibilities? I mean how much can he do from this far and he's so sure of all this when he talks about it.He even says he can imagine them not well and still be here as he can tell his chachas to move in with them for daily care and pay huge amounts for the same.

I don't know whether its the fact that I am pregnant thats making me think so much about this but I really wonder what kind of a son is this?
My own brother wants to move back for my parents or bring them here.
My husband does not even consider bringing them here.

He lived in a hostel from the age of 18 and then got married and came here,but I can vouch for the fact that he loves his parents a lot,calls them every 3-4 days and goes to India every year but why has the thought of their old age not crossed his mind or why is he so bland when it comes to that.
His brother is also like that,just a little more expressive in his love for them.

I must add that my husband is extremely practical.I have seen him make decisions based solely with his brain not his heart,but I think this issue is taking being practical a bit too far???

What do you think ladies?
Have you seen or met someone like that? For ladies outside India in the same situation,what is your DH's stand about parents care in old age?

My husband loves me a lot,is very supportive and has never ever given me a reason to complain but this situation makes me paranoid and I see him as an unemotional man who could abandon even his wife and kids if thats his stand for his parents.

Please give me your valuable suggestions and advice regarding this.

Thanks,
Sabiha ]]> Relationship With In-Laws Sabiha123 http://www.indusladies.com/forums/relationship-with-in-laws/77462-an-issue.html Taking responsibility as a DIL??? http://www.indusladies.com/forums/relationship-with-in-laws/77456-taking-responsibility-as-a-dil.html Tue, 17 Nov 2009 18:52:49 GMT What sort of responsibilities does/did you ladies take for your BILs/SILs wedding alliance search or any such events? Some of us are sitting across the globe here and what kind of help do you think we can be on this front?

I was blamed by my MIL that I don’t think their(that’s also my family) family as mine and don’t take any initiative for my BILs alliance search.

My BILs are very reserved and hardly talk to me and my co-sis. I have tried to talk to my BIL when he was here and he was not comfortable with me talking about the subject with him. He preferred talking about this to his mom. After seeing his delicacy, my DH asked me hold off on my inquiries(as to did you talk to this girl, did you see this girl on webcam, and such) on this topic to him. And after this I don’t ask him about the matter. We (my DH and I) also went and saw a prospective alliance here in US but that didn’t work out. I also went to see a gal with my MIL when I was in India (my co-sis has also gone with my MIL when she was in India for seeing some alliance ). My MIL feels that we (my co-sis and I) are not being a part of the family. I clearly told her that her sons don’t consider us as being a part of their family and how far I can go when they do not like me talking about it. But she kept saying that I should take the right (“Urimai”) and do things. What sort of right can I take when the other party is not even comfortable with me talking about it?

I thought I’ll ask my IL friends what you did and what you feel I should be doing here…

Thanks for reading.. ]]> Relationship With In-Laws smart_soul http://www.indusladies.com/forums/relationship-with-in-laws/77456-taking-responsibility-as-a-dil.html how many of you agree http://www.indusladies.com/forums/relationship-with-in-laws/77421-how-many-of-you-agree.html Tue, 17 Nov 2009 11:32:35 GMT hi friends

One of my friend told me a joke...god can't come to every one's house ,so he sent "mother"as his representative....like that a devil can't come to every one's house..so he sent "MIL" as his representative...

how many of you agree that?

count me 1. ]]> Relationship With In-Laws shinimkumar http://www.indusladies.com/forums/relationship-with-in-laws/77421-how-many-of-you-agree.html how to deal with mil and fil praising co sis http://www.indusladies.com/forums/relationship-with-in-laws/77113-how-deal-mil-fil-praising.html Sat, 14 Nov 2009 00:16:21 GMT
My and fil loves my elder co sis a lottttt............. phew..........lottt , i think so b'coz they praise her a lot.
My mil always and always keeps praising my co sister and her parents.
She praises her relatives also. which irritates me a lot.she'll start by saying ask ur co sister
about raising kids , giving food to them ,how to be during pregnancy (iam pregnant now) ,
she reads a lot of books , listens to music , she does this she does that ,
she washes kids clothes like this u have to learn from her , she used to give food like this ,she used to bathe the kid like this ... i mean everything , she cooks so well , she is so sweet , has loads of patience when i say even iam doing the same , then she turns a deaf ear on me .my mil even praises
her parents , her relatives everyone.
she says how well her parents got her married and how much they spent for her wedding even though her
father wasnt doing well. myco sister has no decisoin taking capacity i believe b'coz for each and
everything she 'll ask my
in laws their opinion and she follows that.
iam not like that i take my own decisions ,
i never ask their opinion b'coz if i ever ask them their opninon they want me to follow that , even if its wrong , they will never accept
that they are wrong
which irritates me a lot.if my fil shows a donkey and tells my co-sis that its a horse , she wil say yes pa u r rgt its
a horse , They want me to be like her which i cant be i can never call a donkey a horse even if there is arguement
i dont care , i make sure people understand that they are wrong. i dont understand why she does this is it b'coz she loves them or its just to flatter them and she also praises my in laws a lot ,abt mil cooking :crazy, her dressing style :rotfl,praises fil also i dont know for wat , my mil says all these things to me, but y ? does she expect me to praise them also.and she says co sissy loves her and fil a lot.She is very dependent and my fil and mil want me to be
like her dependent for each and everything on them , they dont like if i take my own decisions.They start telling me indirectly how much my co sis respects them
loves them.my fil is the head and stubborn kind of specimen.he wants everyone under his feet.
and do jee huzuri to him.
They dont want me to give any importance to my parents , they get annoyed if i ever give importance to my parents or praise them , immediately my mil starts
we have done so much for our kids no one can ever ever match that. ur elder co sis loves us more than her own parents.
does she expect me to be head over heels in love with my in laws ??? she says sissy doesnt even go to her parents home , b'cause she says she (co-sissy) loves us more than anyone else.(even her parents )( i feel its bit lapet - i mean one can do that , love in laws more than own parents) She expects me to do
the same , if i talk to my mom then she gets annoyed and and doesnt talk to me . she has a bad habit also she secretly listens to what i talk to my parents
and will ask me questions abt my conversation with my mom.She constantly praises herself and her dh which also irritates me
She will never ever say that my parents r also important in our life (( mine , dh , dkid) . i feel she is somewat a
limelight hogger she praises herself , cosis fil in front of my friends a lot., i feel like puking on her face after her series of prasing each and
every member of the family esp my co - sis , except me and my dh she praises all.If i ever show her care or concern
she says ya we have to listen to you otherwise life will be tough for us , it hurts me so much , i used to think she is
like my mom , now i feel she can never be like my mom.She tells lots of lies and puts blame easily on me and
i get scolding from my dh
and also if she cannnot put the blame on me she keeps mum and doesnt accept that she is wrong and even for that also i get scolding from my dh.
:spin:spinshe will never appreciate my work , will always praise my co- sis or herself .
my dh never supports me even if he knows iam right . he always tries to clarify what his parents meant , and also asks me to just ignore , how much can i ignore it, 24/7 i cant be hearing her jai jai kaar .and asks me to forget things and start loving them again i cant do that , have had enough sarcastic comments abt me and my family.
plz advice i dont want to be close again have had enough during pregnancy , have cried a lot , i want to maintain some distance from them , i cant forget my parents for them. have had stressful
pregnancy till now.I can not/not able to forget what they have done to me. please advice on how to maintain distance from in laws .but also to be ther with them when they need me. and also i dont want my dh or my kid to be away from them, its just i want to keep distance from them or else there will be lots of arguements. plz advice
]]> Relationship With In-Laws misri http://www.indusladies.com/forums/relationship-with-in-laws/77113-how-deal-mil-fil-praising.html Parents getting possesive? http://www.indusladies.com/forums/relationship-with-in-laws/77105-parents-getting-possesive.html Fri, 13 Nov 2009 21:00:41 GMT I have a very different problem. I have good in laws not too much to complain other than they expect money more often. Some small things i could get over. But, when i say good about the inlaws my parents never seem to digest the fact and always shows faces and everything which irritates me a lot.... I have a very different problem. I have good in laws not too much to complain other than they expect money more often. Some small things i could get over. But, when i say good about the inlaws my parents never seem to digest the fact and always shows faces and everything which irritates me a lot. Anyone been in this situation? They must be happy i dont complain and fight with the inlaws. I dont get it. ]]> Relationship With In-Laws msquare http://www.indusladies.com/forums/relationship-with-in-laws/77105-parents-getting-possesive.html