http://www.indusladies.com/forums Share and discuss anything about your husband, wife, life together for both of you,etc. en Sun, 22 Nov 2009 14:15:47 GMT vBulletin 60 http://www.IndusLadies.com/forums/images/006/misc/rss.jpg http://www.indusladies.com/forums http://www.indusladies.com/forums/me-and-my-spouse/77734-do-i-need-to.html Fri, 20 Nov 2009 01:50:53 GMT Hi everyone, I am a self made woman and my bhabhi is spoonfed from childhood. My parents are also rich but my father believed in achieving things whereas my bhabhi has been spoilt all her life. Her husband is very lame and does everything my bhabhi asks for. she is now pregnant and guess who... Hi everyone,

I am a self made woman and my bhabhi is spoonfed from childhood.
My parents are also rich but my father believed in achieving things whereas my bhabhi has been spoilt all her life. Her husband is very lame and does everything my bhabhi asks for.

she is now pregnant and guess who is doing all the work -? whilst her parents are in India, I am her temperory mom doing everything!

I am frustrated because of two reasons --
1. all the attention goes to her because she cannot do anything by herself. Even for basic things, she relies on people around her to do things for her. She has a cook and a cleaner that comes once a week. I have to help her with all her requests.

2. I myself feel like starting a family but, since my life is not as smooth financially, I am planning to wait one more year. I am just so tired of hearing all these lame excuses for not being able to do anything.. She has not cooked or cleaned in 4 months now.

I am too polite to say or spoil terms because I am afraid that if I dont do it and something happens to her health, I know I would feel bad. At the same time, I feel like giving her an excuse and let her be on her own.

Can someone please suggest what should I do? My frustration levels are building up. Thank you. ]]> saathi http://www.indusladies.com/forums/me-and-my-spouse/77734-do-i-need-to.html http://www.indusladies.com/forums/me-and-my-spouse/77694-parents-laws-say-dh-i.html Thu, 19 Nov 2009 16:29:19 GMT Ladies (and gentlemen),

This thought has been bothering me for a while, and airing it here. I'll state up front that it is not a "problem" and I am not looking for a solution or how to change it, but more for thoughts and opinions about it.

My husband and I got married after a fair amount of opposition from family. We finally got a yes, but it was a grudging one, and accompanied with "well, if that is what you want, OK. who are we to stop you." So, in the initial 1-3 years, if we had any hiccups in the marriage like small tiffs, I used to bite my tongue and not tell anyone due to pride and to avoid hearing "we told you so." That became a habit, and by good luck, a very beneficial habit.

We have been married for 10+ years, live in the U.S., family visits us rarely, we visit about once in two years. Any problems we face like job loss, miscarriages, fights with each other that last more than a week etc. we don't share with parents or siblings. At least, not immediately. We might tell them after it is past, that we had this problem and it is now gone. Looking for a house, new car, change of job, planning a trip to India - we tell them after things are finalised. Pregnancies - we shared news after 2 months only.

So, basically, we can be called a couple that keeps our private stuff private from both our families. My and my husband's siblings on the other hand share almost everything with their parents/in-laws. Things like permanent birth-control, trying for another kid, husband wife arguments, financial details - they share easily with family.

I do share some things like light whining about husband working late, not helping with kids & house, always buying latest electronics stuff... but, it is lighthearted, and they and I know it is not meant seriously.

Our parents and siblings feel we maintain a distance by not sharing more, and that this makes us less close to them. They admire that we deal with our problems ourselves, but at the same time find it odd. When we told them about having had miscarriages and trouble conceiving only after I finally was pregnant for two months, they were offended that we only told them then. We only told them the name we chose for the baby after the birth, before it I didn't bring up the topic at all or entertain any suggestions. Seemed like they wanted us to share our problems and decisions with them, and we wanted to handle them ourselves and only tell them the final (and often happy) result.

This has already become quite long. So, the question is, are they right in a way? Does our not sharing problems or other events that need decision-making with them, make us distant from them and rob us all of a sense of closeness? To reiterate, I am not looking for ways to change the status quo, but more of opinions and thoughts on this, especially from those who think our families are right in a way. Meaning, I am not looking for validation of our approach, but more of why our families feel we should share more with them.

Thank you for reading this whole post, more so since it is not really a "problem".

-Rihana ]]> Rihana http://www.indusladies.com/forums/me-and-my-spouse/77694-parents-laws-say-dh-i.html http://www.indusladies.com/forums/me-and-my-spouse/77594-should-spouse-come-first-after.html Wed, 18 Nov 2009 23:29:13 GMT There were some other threads related to this topic. Rather than hijacking those threads, here is another one to pose a simple question: After marriage, should spouse come first and birth family comes next? Does spouse deserve to come first? I think yes. A clear, unequivocal YES. Spouse... There were some other threads related to this topic. Rather than hijacking those threads, here is another one to pose a simple question:

After marriage, should spouse come first and birth family comes next? Does spouse deserve to come first?

I think yes. A clear, unequivocal YES. Spouse should be number one priority. The couple's life together, their dreams, needs and hopes take priority over those of his/her birth family. They have to make it clear to others that their spouse and life as a couple is their first priority in their life.

That does not mean they cut off or distance themselves totally from their birth family. They love them, care for them, celebrate life's joys and sorrows with them, and are there for them if needed, but spouse comes first. I think that is needed for a healthy marriage.

Thoughts welcome.

-Rihana ]]> Rihana http://www.indusladies.com/forums/me-and-my-spouse/77594-should-spouse-come-first-after.html http://www.indusladies.com/forums/me-and-my-spouse/77515-am-i-selfish-dilemma-can.html Wed, 18 Nov 2009 10:53:05 GMT Dear ILites, I am into serious dilemma in my personal life and expecting some valuable advice or suggestions from elders (by virtue of age and experience) in this community. First the background, I am married for 1 year and 2 months. Ours was a love marriage which happened after lots of issues at... Dear ILites,
I am into serious dilemma in my personal life and expecting some valuable advice or suggestions from elders (by virtue of age and experience) in this community. First the background, I am married for 1 year and 2 months. Ours was a love marriage which happened after lots of issues at home. I am a Veggie (Tam Brahm) and he a non veggie with caste differences etc. He is the first son and has only one sibling - a younger bro. His parents live in a different city with his bro. About 6 months back, we decided that I will pursue my Phd in the US - aimed to start in 2010, he can get a job in the US and we can plan for a baby by 2011 / 2012. I gave my exams and i have the results also. All I need to do is apply for universities. Coming to the real problem. About 2 months back, we received the shock of our life when we heard that my BIL (Husband's bro) passed away. Now my in-laws are in a different city and we here. My FIL still has service and is working, so he doesn't want to shift to our place now. He doesn't want voluntary retirement. He has 6 more years of service. We were with them for more than a month to console them and returned to work about 3 weeks back (I also work). In fact, in the early days after bro's death, they were asking us to leave our job and go settle with them. But I was so stubborn that we will not shift our base now, at least for 3 months. Any decision taken at this moment might not be so right. Now everday is a tension. My husband talks to them atleast 5 times a day... And they have started sharing all the problems on the earth with him (not just loss of his bro).
Now my concerns are multiple.
Firstly, We were planning to postpone baby for another 2 years. After this everyone is almost forcing us to go for a baby immediately so that my In laws feel a little better. My viewpoint - one life cannot replace the other. And in this kind of bad situation i don't want to bring in another life into being. And our child will be influenced by my BIL's thoughts more which I don't want. I want to give a happy and healthy future for my baby.
Secondly, About my studies. My husband is not stopping me from applying but it comes with a disclaimer from him - "you (should) know what I want, If you want to go and study, I will not stop you". This statement is really confusing me. I got mixed response from friends and blogs about studies and pregnancy. Some say I can plan for a baby even after a year of study there, take a break and continue. But the concern is more about leaving his parents and going. For me, I want to take my husband out of India, where he will be out of these problems and his bro's thoughts.
Thirdly, My husband wants to shift base to home town to be with his parents. My viewpoint- I am not ok. My FIL who is at his fag end of career doesn't want to retire or take a break but we just started our life and we are asked to make adjustments in our career! Only after we return back from home town, we have new people and other happy surrounding. Over there it is always moaning and other sorts of issues creeping up. If we shift to that place, our life will change and it will be filled with more problems. This is not the only one incident. My In laws are always surrounded by one
or the other bad/negative factors around them. This will influence our happiness to a great extent. And moreover, the last thing i wanted on this earth is to share roof with my in-laws given so many differences between us culturally and habitually. I am not saying I will not take care of them. We can always stay next to each other but in separate houses.
Fourthly, I have started missing my husband very much. He has been giving me 200% attention all these years (including when we were going around) now suddenly everything is changed. There were no days he has passed without saying a good morning and a goodnight to me. But now he wakes up and goes to sleep with phone talking to them (I don't know if am sounding immatured...) Though I am in very good terms with my family, I have distanced myself from them to be his wife. All of a sudden, I feel I lost all the importance from him. I feel he has no time for me. He was a very career oriented person - he even postponed our wedding for his work. Now he has no mood to work / go to office. And he is kind of lost all the time. Even if he is physically next to me, mentally he is elsewhere.
This is the story from my side (sorry for the long one). Now I am in complete dilemma in terms of whether to go for a baby or study or shift to hometown. And most importantly I want to bring back my husband from all this, the same old cheerful husband of mine. Everyday is terrible!
I want to know is if my thinking is right or am i being too selfish.

Please help! Any kind of advise from you will be highly helpful and insightful.

Thanks a ton! ]]> gemini10 http://www.indusladies.com/forums/me-and-my-spouse/77515-am-i-selfish-dilemma-can.html http://www.indusladies.com/forums/me-and-my-spouse/77471-things-women-say-do-hurt.html Wed, 18 Nov 2009 00:37:03 GMT Hi, There are lots of threads in this thread that tell about things husband does that hurts his wife emotionally, like not involving her in financial decisions, not respecting her parents etc. Can you look around and see things that wives say/do that hurts/annoys husband? For example,... Hi,

There are lots of threads in this thread that tell about things husband does that hurts his wife emotionally, like not involving her in financial decisions, not respecting her parents etc.

Can you look around and see things that wives say/do that hurts/annoys husband?

For example, here are few I have come across:
1. Telling everything that happens in the in-laws house to their parents even if it has nothing to do with them.
2. Spending money on useless things when there is need to spend money on something else.
3. Gossiping about ILs with their friends even if they are not as bad.

Thanks
-AJ
PS: This thread comes as a follow-up to the blog An open letter from a mother to her newly married daughter. - IndusLadies ]]> ajain35 http://www.indusladies.com/forums/me-and-my-spouse/77471-things-women-say-do-hurt.html http://www.indusladies.com/forums/me-and-my-spouse/77458-how-fair-reasonable-is-this.html Tue, 17 Nov 2009 19:22:48 GMT I have another issue that I need your help. My brother’s wedding is coming up in Feb. My mom is bedridden (Yes. I really mean it) due to various illness. I was planning to go for 3 weeks...]]> Friends,

I have another issue that I need your help. My brother’s wedding is coming up in Feb. My mom is bedridden (Yes. I really mean it) due to various illness. I was planning to go for 3 weeks so that I can see my mom and take care of her at least a little bit as well as help with wedding arrangements during that time. Of course, no matter mom is bed ridden or sick, there is always “In-laws wanting us to stay at their place” issue. Since it’s my brother’s wedding, I think I have a reasonable reason to stay at my parents place.

Now the problem is my MIL is looking for alliance for my BIL also. My DH claims that if I burn all the 3 weeks for my brother’s wedding, I won’t be able to attend my BIL’s wedding, in case things fall in place soon. And if my DH himself says this my MIL is sure to hold this in her mind. And my DH was telling me that it would be foolish of me to burn all the vacation at one shot and if he was me, he would go only for one week. I felt/still feel very sad that my DH wasn’t being reasonable with this issue. I am already feeling quite guilty sitting here when my mom is bed ridden and my brother and an appointed lady is taking care of her. Over and above I can’t even think of going just for a week for the wedding and rushing back.

Ladies help me with this as I am going crazy and restless over the issue. Am already extremely guilty that I’m not around with my mom when she is in this condition.

Thanks in advance. ]]> smart_soul http://www.indusladies.com/forums/me-and-my-spouse/77458-how-fair-reasonable-is-this.html http://www.indusladies.com/forums/me-and-my-spouse/77438-what-do-i-call-husband.html Tue, 17 Nov 2009 14:08:56 GMT Hi All

I 'm currently so pissed off and annoyed by the behavior of my husband
...my hubby is busy preparing for some upcoming exams in 2 months hence he has been taking leave on and off from work ....and only today i discovered he has been giving excuses about our 4 yr old daughter being sick, at work....i was so shocked to hear it when one of his colleagues called up to find out about our daughter's health...how can a own father stoop to such a level of being selfish to say about our own little innocent child...who is a fine..........!!!! i had a fight with him and he says i am being hyper about it....i am i justified or is he??? ]]> lovetubb39 http://www.indusladies.com/forums/me-and-my-spouse/77438-what-do-i-call-husband.html http://www.indusladies.com/forums/me-and-my-spouse/77406-how-many-you-wish-your.html Tue, 17 Nov 2009 09:25:18 GMT How I wish my DH is more friendly and shows little involvement in my siblings. I have two sisters who are extremely close to me, all of us are married with kids...]]> Hi IL's

How I wish my DH is more friendly and shows little involvement in my siblings.

I have two sisters who are extremely close to me, all of us are married with kids but even now we are always in touch with each other. Both my BIL's are okay kind though not very close but are also in constant touch with me, they regularly mail me, make casual enquiries about my family and also never forget to call us on festivals and new years.

But my DH is totally not bothered about my sisters, in fact he doesn’t even remembers my sisters kids name's, he just smiles and talks a few words and asks some formal questions. I really get scared when they come to visit and stay with us for 3-4 days, coz only I will be taking them to shopping and any outing but he wont even offer to take them out or at least sit and chat with them.

Now this Christmas hols my elder sis is coming along with her family to our parent’s home and they will probably stay with us for 2-3 days and this is giving me sleepless nights because as usual my DH will put in embarrassing situation.

Note: I have to be very jovial, friendly and always smiling when his sisters family come here to stay with us, the same person will be extremely humorous, extra friendly with his BIL's, niece and nephews and wants me to behave in the same manner.

I ]]> blessed http://www.indusladies.com/forums/me-and-my-spouse/77406-how-many-you-wish-your.html http://www.indusladies.com/forums/me-and-my-spouse/77200-my-name-never-included-investments.html Sun, 15 Nov 2009 06:28:27 GMT hi.My dh never bothers to do any single work by himself. he,inevitably looks for me when he even needs to get a glass of water.But when it comes to investment , he buys properties on his own name, no joint property or my name is not even put as nominee anywhere.for all these decisions , he... hi.My dh never bothers to do any single work by himself. he,inevitably looks for me when he even needs to get a glass of water.But when it comes to investment , he buys properties on his own name, no joint property or my name is not even put as nominee anywhere.for all these decisions , he discusses and involves his parents and keeps me outside the loop.Now he is thinking about investing jointly with his mother, the money , he says is for our future or our baby, but with his mother!! what kind of an idea is that.:bonk he rather argues with me that his parents or sis is not gonna run away with the money. still when I ask why not just two us , he clearly looked unwilling and skeptical.he suggests then I'll buy a property for our kid and I'll put my name as the guardian of minor. Still he never considers to include my name anywhere? I am really hurt. When it comes to serving and taking care of him, he shamelessly thinks of me, but when I get insecure about not seeing any arrangements for our/my financial securities in future, he clearly avoids that concern.he rather trusts his greedy and money minded father on that. I am disgusted with his biased attitude.and what irritates me the most is that he'll involve his dad on every financial move he makes in india.why do they have to know every single detail ?
his parents clearly don't want that too. what a ridiculous logic. when their relatives ask them, when you buy so many pros, why don't you buy your next property jointly or on your wife's name, his dad would very aggressively say no that's not possible according to law as I am not working.but you can buy on you mother name( who is not also working).what a crap !! is that because they don't trust me or that's how they want to keep me under their control . I am really puzzled.
I get very tensed as I can't say for sure that they have good intentions and I am frustrated because of their super involvement that my DH encourages in every financial decision , I want to slap all three of them read hard.

Plese help me clarify my doubts on floowing points:
1)please suggest me how can I make him realize to include my names in property decision?
2)all the properties are registered on my dh name. no nominee or co -owner.if there is no nominee, what is the rule. does the wife and baby have all the rights or owner's parents have equal rights on everything? I am very anxious about me and my baby.
thank you so much ]]> newlife2010 http://www.indusladies.com/forums/me-and-my-spouse/77200-my-name-never-included-investments.html http://www.indusladies.com/forums/me-and-my-spouse/77102-i-am-again-thanks-updates.html Fri, 13 Nov 2009 19:48:13 GMT Dear friends, Most of you know me here through my previous threads, specially this one http://www.indusladies.com/forums/me-and-my-spouse/70634-do-i-deserve-this.html. For those who never had a chance to read my thread, I would advice you to kindly go through it. Ok.. I am here with full of... Dear friends,

Most of you know me here through my previous threads, specially this one http://www.indusladies.com/forums/me...erve-this.html. For those who never had a chance to read my thread, I would advice you to kindly go through it.

Ok.. I am here with full of happiness, because of you wonfderful ladies here.

You know how I suffered and felt really low after being ignored by my husband several times, and lived a cold marriage life for many months without knowing the reason for that.

I am really thankful to you all, for shaking me up and showing me the reality... And specially I should not forget Drpreethis, arthidiva, and Alpha.. and other wonderful ladies too!!! You really brought the smile back in my lips today after many months.

Ok... here goes my uodates:

- I went for a vacation to Egypt with my colleagues here in Sudan.. It was nearly a week time. I didn't take my mobile or laptop this time, as my Sudanese service provider didn't have roaming facilities; hence I didn't nag my DH with my regular calls/mails during that one week. I called him only a few times from the hotel, and he didn't even get a chance to call me back because I was travelling all the time.

- This one week seperation (i call this as mental seperation, because there was no connection between us) made him tender towards me... Yes HE MISSED ME A LOT.

- On the other hand, I took this oportunity to love everything around me other than loving ONLY my husband all the time. Yes, I started to see this world through MY EYES, and not by HIS EYES. There were so many things to remember, enjoy, and to hang on.. and it was my foolishness to nag my DH all the time... I learned to reduce my expectations, stoped feeling low, and tried to accept my DH as he is....

When I landed in Sudan after my vacation, for my surprise, there were so many e mails and sms from my husband, saying how he was missing me during that week, and how much it was painful to pass such a looooooooong week without any of my calls or e mails. He said, he was sort of used to receive my calls all the time, so during my absence his hands automatically touches his phone and was longing for a call from mine. And whenever there was a ring, he ran towards the phone, thinking it was me.... He really missed me so much.

After all this, I see a huge change in my DH's behaviour.. Earlier he was a cold fish, never expressed his love, never allowed me to take his time... I mean, if I want to talk to him just to kill my lonliness or for mental peace, he would say, he is busy and I should not disturb him...

But now, he behaves very decently... He calls me, he never misses my calls, rather waits for my calls daily.. If I need him, he understands and will be there for me despite his busy work schedules. Basically he cares me and learned to express his love and care now.

I am really happy now... I am not insecured like before... and I really feel like living a long life with my husband,

Here my problem is>>>>

My DH is so much concerned about my career... I am in a mid management level now, and my current salary is nearly $8000. I get timely vacations to go home, and other benifits provided by UN.. Since my DH also works in the same profession (Jnr level in India), he has lots of hopes to get a higher profession in the near future using my capacity. And he is also concerned about our family financial needs... Yes, we are yet to build our home, yet to furnish the house and yet to start a real family life...

On the other hand, I am so much bothered about my family life... I fear if I continue this job forever, I will completly lose my familya life... Yes, most of my colleagues are either Un married or seperated people (specially females). Its hard for a female to travel back and forth in every 2 months to live a 14 days family life... Its like vacationing... But not a real family life...

I have so many basic wishes like every Indian woman... I want to live with my husband always, I want to cook for him, I want to be there with him in his goods and bads, I want to share all his responsibilities, we must live a real family life.... Not like our current life... like visiting home on vacation, spend some days with DH, some days at home with mom, travel all over India on vacation, visit friends, then pack again to depart.. What is all about?

This is not only a lonely enviroment, but also a risky place.. That's why we are highly paid with hazardous. This makes me feel stress all the time.. and I am sure this will surely have an impact in the long run.. This is a none family station, so I can't bring my family here... and getting pregant at this state is also risk, as it might affect the baby...

I am really confused... I really want to lead a happy and normal marriage like with my husband and other family members... But I am committed to this career and now everyone at home knows how much I earn and how much they all will lose if i resign from this job...

But I can't always be a money making machine to satisfy everyone's financial needs by compromising my own happiness... Particularly, if I continue to stay seperated from my DH at this initial days of marriage, we will definitely lose our emotional /physical dependancy on each other... and I will lose my righ age and time to get my first pregnancy... I am much bothered about this fact...

Friends, what do you think? Do I continue with this job for some times or resign it by this december as I planned earlier?

Will by DH accept my concerns and will he be happily accept me with empty hands?

Will any of our future financial crisis affect our love due to the fact that I failed to meet our monetory needs though I am offered with a chance to earn more money?

If I continue with this job, let say for another 5 years.. Will that affect our marriage? Because neither me nor my DH are dependant on each other like normal DH and DW.. We just live as dating partners while we are together, and he becomes batchelor and I become a career oriented staff when I go back to Sudan... Will that affect our emotional/physical connections in the long run?

If I keep on postponing my child birth now, will that be a problem after 5 years> If so, will we be happy and intimate without a kid for us?

Do you think there will an end for the financial need for a family??????/ Will I be able to resign my job at any time given my salary will be doible in 5 yrs, and our needs will be also double by then...

Will my family (DH and others) be used to my absence?

Please advice... and I will be really thankful for your valuable suggestions!


Regards
Tugga ]]> Tugga http://www.indusladies.com/forums/me-and-my-spouse/77102-i-am-again-thanks-updates.html http://www.indusladies.com/forums/me-and-my-spouse/77009-i-feel-very-guilty.html Fri, 13 Nov 2009 03:39:16 GMT hi girls, I am feeling very guilty for what i have done yesterday. I have been since 1 and half years. I was working in bangalore before to singapore with my husband. Then i started to search job but in vain. I always feel irritated these days anf often fight with my husband. And i had suffered... hi girls,
I am feeling very guilty for what i have done yesterday.
I have been since 1 and half years. I was working in bangalore before to singapore with my husband. Then i started to search job but in vain. I always feel irritated these days anf often fight with my husband. And i had suffered during my initial days of my marriage from my in-laws. I keep on telling about this to my husband and blame him for that. And keep on shouting like hell and curse my in-laws for what they have done to me.
Even yesterday i shouted the same. But was fighting like hell and shouting at him.
Then he consoled me and even i was normal. Then someone knocked our door, it was the police. They came to check whether there was any physical abuse done to me and took a writted statement that nothing was done to me.
I feel extremely guilty for my act. What can i do now.
My husband is really nice person. Even after this he is cool today. He asks me not to take it serious and that it is casual here.
Kindly advice me what shud i do ]]> iam http://www.indusladies.com/forums/me-and-my-spouse/77009-i-feel-very-guilty.html http://www.indusladies.com/forums/me-and-my-spouse/76996-to-lend-or-not-lend.html Thu, 12 Nov 2009 22:01:35 GMT The other day, I was reading a poem from Kamba Ramayanam, where the poet describes King Ravana’s state of mind, when his life was spared by Lord Rama in the battle field, as “Kadan pattaar nenjam pole kalanginaan ilangai vendhan “ - meaning that Ravana was so disturbed by Lord Rama’s gesture that he felt the burden of his life as that of a debtor. Perhaps debtors had a conscience during Kamban’s times. :rotfl
In today’s world, it is the lendor who ‘kalangufies’ and ‘alanjufies’ (disturbed no ends and runs around for recovery). I am sure many of you would have gone through the ordeal of collecting the ‘hand loan’ lent to so called 'friends' / acquaintances at least once. For my part, I had done it many times, much against the wishes of DW even and after each such lesson had taken vow – ala ‘prasava vairagyam’ – never ever to lend money anymore, only to be conned by another ‘hand loan artist’ to part with my precious earnings one more time. Friends, I don’t know why? I found it beyond me to just refuse a ‘friend’ in ‘dire needs’. The moment I heard a sob story, my purse used to be in my hands with its contents exposed – inviting the ‘sob’er to turn a robber. Perhaps in my last life I belonged to the “Seethakkathi’ clan – one who was said to have donated even after his death, with his corpse extending its hand out of its coffin – offering the expensive ring adorning its finger to the poor poet who lamented his inability to approach Seethakkathi when he was alive.
It took over 20 years of married life for me to arrive at a workable model to over come this weakness, in collaboration with DW, ofcourse.

First things first - I was in my early 20’s, and grossly inexperienced in the ‘kodukkal & vaangals’ ( gives & takes) of the world, when I had my first experience.
I had a colleague, RK, in my department who became a good friend within a month of my joining the organisation. It was not long before he started approaching me for interest free ‘hand loans’ under various pretexts like payment of children’s school fees, wife’s delivery, mother’s pilgrimage, urgent medical expenses etc. citing different compelling reasons for different seasons. Not that I was well off to spare such amounts in my paltry salary of Rs 400 pm or so. But, it was to his credit that he managed to get me lend. Borrowing money is a great art and he turned out to be a consummate artist of the highest order in the field. Initially, he was prompt in returning the money as promised, only to borrow once again a couple of days later. After a couple of months, part of the money lent remained unreturned, when he approached for more loan. Hearing the difficult period he was passing through, I felt embarrassed to demand back my dues but ended up giving him additional loan, against his assurance to return the full amount in a month’s time. In no time I realized that the total amount due accumulated to over Rs 750, nearly my two months’ salary, which I could ill afford. From then on, I kept running after him to get the money back, but in vain. Excuses after excuses but no repayment in sight.
I neither had any documental proof. Not that I was keen on any such precipitation.
I was at his mercy and all that I could do was pray to God & appeal to RK’s good senses. Neither yielded any results.
After a few months, when I got a better job with a major corporate house in North India, requiring me to leave Madras in a couple of weeks, I got desperate to get my money back from RK. Sensing my predicament, he went on long leave, much beyond my departure date. It was a rude shock as I realized that the possibilities of my getting the money back had vanished into thin air.
More than losing the money, it was the feeling of being cheated by one whom I considered a friend, disturbed me no ends. I was hell bent on making RK pay.
Before leaving, I confided RK’s mischief to few of my friends in the same organization and told them that whom-so-ever could recover the money on my behalf could keep it for themselves. All that I needed was a confirmation that entire money had been collected.
When I visited Madras next, those friends not only confirmed recovery of the full amount but also threw a party for me (of course out of the recovery made) and presented me with gifts for the remainder amount. What as an individual that I could not achieve, the hounding of the group that went after RK day in & day out could achieve. I felt elated at the fact that RK was not allowed to go scot free with his cheating ways.
During the early days of our marriage (1978), I made the mistake of confiding in / boasting to DW about the above incident - as to how ‘smartly’ I made RK pay.
I expected at least a word of appreciation from DW. All that I got was a long sermon – ending that anyone could very well read the word “SUCKER” stamped in bold letters on my fore-head and that from then on I was not to lend even a single penny to anyone without her consent.

After an year or so, a friend of mine from school days, CN, approached me for a loan of Rs.1000 for tiding over some urgent business commitment, with a promise to repay within a couple of days. CN was from a well-off family and was known to my wife as well, having worked in her bank as a clerk for sometime before embarking on his own venture. DW was not keen initially but finally relented when I told that CN had plans to directly approach her next for the loan, incase I expressed inability. But she made it amply clear that getting the money back was my responsibility. I was pleased that I could help a friend in need and was confident that CN would positively honour his commitment. But when CN was did not show up for the next 10 days or so, despite promising me over phone many a times, I started getting worried. Those days it was not a small amount to ignore.
I started visiting his house every evening on my way back from office but CN was never available. It was too embarrassing for me to force myself into his house and wait, when only his wife was at home. I used to wait at the gate for a couple of hours and return home disappointed.
At home the condition was terrible. I could not stand my wife’s stare. Be it the tumbler or the plate for dinner, all started landing on the dining table with a thud.
Neither the food nor the innuendos like ‘Enakku endru engay irunthu ippadi oru asadu vandhu vachchadho?’ ( From where did such a nincompoop manage to land as my hubby?) were easy to digest.
So, I decided to bunk office the next day and wait near CN’s house, even the whole day if needed, to catch him red handed, recover the money & redeem my honour. I parked my scooter a few houses away and kept waiting for him. Did not even leave for lunch. Sometime in the afternoon, I was successful in catching him and managed to extract Rs.200 in cash and a cheque for balance Rs.800. I returned home with a triumphant smile.
But DW was not convinced. “Let me see whether the cheque would be honored”, was her remark. Sure enough, the cheque bounced in a couple of days.
Next day, I went to CN’s house looking for him. His wife answered the door and said that he had left on some urgent mission very early that morning.
I made up my mind to wait near CN’s house that day also. At about 6.00 PM I was fed up of waiting and was about to leave when I saw a group of persons assembling outside his house. Suddenly, one of them, who was also a school-mate of mine, started shouting abuses and calling CN to come out if he was a ‘manly enough’. The abuses started getting more vulgar with time, with references CN’s wife as well. I could stand it no more and was about to interfere, asking the group to behave themselves, when CN emerged from inside the house. I was shocked at the fact that he was hiding inside since morning and avoiding me as well.
He stood there hanging his head in shame and remorse in front of the group. I left the scene with a heavy heart.
That night CN phoned me up and apologized profusely. I made him speak to my wife also. He explained that he had suffered a heavy loss in business due to his partner cheating him. He promised to repay the balance Rs 800 in a month. After listening to him and also my story of the happenings outside CN’s house that day, my wife also felt sorry for him. We agreed to his request.
Few weeks later, we both were taken aback to see CN riding a motorized cycle rick-shaw, delivering goods for a departmental stores. Learnt from the stores that this was a new beginning CN was attempting to make for a living. We were amazed at his resolve to fight out the odds in life boldly and decided to forget the balance due from him. But all the same, I gave a commitment to DW that I had learnt my lesson truly and would not even dream of lending any more.

My next experience was a bit different that could not be classified as lending per-se, but involved all the thrills & more when it came to recovery part
Couple of years later, when I went for taking delivery of a new scooter, I met two youngsters – a clerk in a Bank and his mechanic friend. The whole day we were hanging around together and a kind of comradeship developed between us.
Naturally, most of our talks were about the scooter and its performance. It was then that the mechanic mentioned about some modification to the carburetor, that could increase the mileage over 50 Kms/litre. Those days, two wheelers were giving a mileage of only around 30 Kms or so. So I was also keen on getting my carburetor modified. To be on the safer side, I asked the mechanic to modify his friend’s scooter first so that I would also decide on mine after seeing the results.
The mechanic noted my address and promised to come after a few days, once his friend’s scooter was done-up.
Sure enough, they landed at my house in a couple of days. The scooter’s pick-up was also better, which the mechanic attributed to the improved carburetor.
I was impressed and asked him to modify my scooter as well. He said that it would cost Rs.200 for getting the necy items etc and desired my giving him the money so that he could come the next day and do the needful at my place itself. Instead I offered to come to his shop, with the scooter and the money the next day and get the vehicle attended there itself.
DW was not keen on such modifications, especially on a new scooter. If such a technology was available, the manufacturers themselves would have adopted it, was her argument. I was not in a mood to listen.
The next day I went to Thiruvanmiyur, a desolated area in those days and met the mechanic in his ‘road-side’ workshop. He took the money and sent a boy for getting the parts. I waited for a couple of hours but the boy was no where to be seen. It was getting late. So the mechanic volunteered to come to my house the next day and do the necy modifications to the carburetor. I returned home.
On hearing the developments, DW gave an all knowing smile. I ignored it.
The mechanic did not turn up the next day. I waited for a week and went in search of him. I was told that his shop had been shifted further inside. I tried locating it but could not.
DW’s taunts like “Nalla mattukku oru soodu” were very much in the open now. I was bent on at least getting the money back, to save my face.
For the next few week-ends, I made rounds in T’yur, making enquiries about the whereabouts of the mechanic.
Noticing my regular week-end visits, some petty shop owners in the area asked me the purpose of my looking for the mechanic. I told them the story.
It was then they advised me to forget my Rs. 200 and advised me to stay away from such dubious characters.
Also, as my visits were getting me no where, I felt that it was better to make peace with DW rather than wasting time running after such elusive mechanics.
With great difficulty I once again convinced DW that I had changed forever. That my transfer out of Madras came in the next couple of months helped cool the matters down. It was many years later, we learnt from news papers that the mechanic I was after had been convicted and hanged in a serial killing case that shook the entire nation. To think of that I was running after such a character risking my life for a paltry Rs 200 ….. .


I have since developed a model for tackling requests for hand-loans, in consultation with DW, a practical solution to my problem of lending. So far, for the last 12 years, it has shown desirable results.
Nowadays if anyone approaches for a hand-loan, I make it clear that it is against my principles to give a loan as it spoils the relationship in the long run. Instead, I offer whatever I could as one time gift, not to be returned. I have noticed that majority of die-hard ‘hand loan specialists’, who borrow without any intention to repay, consider it infra-dig to accept a gift instead of a loan. Perhaps they equate it to begging or that they miss the 'kick' of borrowing. They normally refuse and do not trouble me anymore for hand-loans.
Even the miniscule minority who accept the gift first time, finds it embarrassing to approach once again. More so, as the call on how much to gift is my prerogative and need not have any relationship with the expectation of the borrower.
This arrangement saves me the bother of running after ‘friends’ for recovery. Also no complaints/ innuendos from DW.
Last but not the least, peace prevails both at home & in our minds.

Anbudan,
rrg ]]> Rrg http://www.indusladies.com/forums/me-and-my-spouse/76996-to-lend-or-not-lend.html http://www.indusladies.com/forums/me-and-my-spouse/76841-pls-tell-me-how-handle.html Wed, 11 Nov 2009 15:39:55 GMT hai , hope all are fine.please help me out of this situation.iam married 1year and 1 month old iam very confused with my husbands behaviour.he comes home with some tensions in office i take care to divert him from the issues after coming home.most of the times he always always sits before the... hai ,
hope all are fine.please help me out of this situation.iam married 1year and 1 month old iam very confused with my husbands behaviour.he comes home with some tensions in office i take care to divert him from the issues after coming home.most of the times he always always sits before the internet more than talking to me i really get frustrated but even before i newly came to US near him first 2 weeks he used to spend with me after some days soon after coming from the office he used to go near his friends and come home late we used to have dinner sleep and nxt day to the office and the same repeated after coming from office and slowly it started during the weekends also i used to not tell him for so many days how iam feeling because i dont want to hurt or fell that iam draging him away from his friends.but one day i lost my tolerence and told him how iam feeling and it was fine.since then he started saying "u dont tell me any thing u keep everything for ur self and ur lieing to me that ur ok"
and now i was on my fasting and i was dull (tierd)but tried my best to not show it out.he observed me and aked "why are u upset?"i told him "iam not upset iam tierd"then he told "i know how u put ur face when ur tierd and when ur upset so tell me why ur upset?"
and kept on saying this though i told him iam not upset but tierd
i really got irritated when he told me that ur lieing to me and u did this before also and he talked as if iam hideing some thing from him and lieing to him.i cried a lot for his behaviour and told him i cant help if u dont belive me and i want to go back near my parents.i felt really bad he is still on that mood that iam lieng him please help me how can i handle him???????
i would be great full to u if u give me some words of support
thank you ]]> geethikakumar http://www.indusladies.com/forums/me-and-my-spouse/76841-pls-tell-me-how-handle.html http://www.indusladies.com/forums/me-and-my-spouse/76688-stealing-husband-can-b-justified.html Tue, 10 Nov 2009 09:00:13 GMT I know this question itself sounds immoral, but what to do if your husband doesn’t want to spend on you. I myself feels guilty when I do such an act. Ilites please do let me know if I am really doing anything wrong.

I am married to my DH from close to 4 years now, he is a nice person but personally we don’t share very good relation, I know it sounds weird too but that is how it is. He takes care of his side of responsibilities towards the house very well but he doesn’t like when I spend money on me like for my shopping etc.

Ok, to be clear, I am working on a good position here and earning quite well but he doesn’t allow me to spend my money on anything, anything means literally anything. If I need something personally he’ll tell, u don’t need to touch your money as I am capable enough to take care of your needs, if you need something you tell me and I’ll buy for you. Your money is our saving and we might use it in future for some business purpose or incase if we have some bad phase in our life. I can completely understand his concern but at the same time if I need something suppose If I tell him I need to buy new trouser or new jeans or new t-shirt he will simply say that you already have so many why u need more :crazy, his logic is if you are not in a desperate need of something u don’t have to buy it unless until u can not survive without it… now I find it so silly. I am not saying that he is stingy but sometime I do shopping just for fun or to change my wardrobe but he finds is wastage of money. I have two pair of jeans (to wear on weekends) and 4 t-shirts. 4 pants and 6 shirts (for official use) and if I tell him that its not enough and I need to buy some more he tell me that I unnecessarily do shopping and waste money….:rant

I get very irriated but I don’t show it to him as he will get pissed off and will not say anything in future and will keep mum on this matter (even if I’ll spend my full salary on my shopping) which I don’t want him to do rather I started stealing from him. :hide: Whenever I get bonus or commission I simply don’t tell him and keep it in my pocket. With that money I did some shopping for my parents coz I am planning to visit India soon and I know he will not ask me if I want to buy something for my family, though he every time purchase gifts for his own family (not very expensive ones).

I know its wrong and I shouldn’t do it but I don’t find any alternative, Ilites please let me know if you find any other solution to this problem….
]]> kaavyanjali http://www.indusladies.com/forums/me-and-my-spouse/76688-stealing-husband-can-b-justified.html http://www.indusladies.com/forums/me-and-my-spouse/76530-wish-to-have-a-baby.html Mon, 09 Nov 2009 07:33:27 GMT i m married since 4 months.my husband was of thought before marriage that a child should never be planned, it should happen whenever it has to happen, its a god gift. after marriage and talking to me,he changed his thought coz i m not of view to have a child without planning,immediately after... i m married since 4 months.my husband was of thought before marriage that a child should never be planned, it should happen whenever it has to happen, its a god gift. after marriage and talking to me,he changed his thought coz i m not of view to have a child without planning,immediately after marriage due to finance, career, etc..
but after getting married somedays i just feel the feminine feeling in myself and feel that i should have a baby..i know its just a mental state and temporary coz its not practical for us to have a baby now.
i used to share with my husband somedays that i wish to have a baby and he also used to get involved in the imaginary talk about how the baby would be,what would we name,etc..
yesterday suddenly i felt like i should forget about everything and have baby...it was such a feeling from inside..i was just reading some preganancy related stuff on net and saw baby pics..
as usual at night i told my husband that today i feel it..he said dont read unnecessary things..i was surprised to hear that..i told him you were the one who used to tell before marriage about having a child without planning and now you said this..i said you have changed..he said you have changed me coz you are the one wanting to work,take break,etc..i didnt say anything after that..
i felt very bad yesterday..sad..i know i am ambitious about my life..
i didnt expect my husband to just change all plans and just agree to have a baby..
i would have appreciated if he would have acknowledged the feeling that i had from my heart and remind me of its practicality..
i felt hurt that there was no proper response for my feelings..
felt that theres no use of sharing of special thoughts..wont express from now on :( ]]> aishwarya156 http://www.indusladies.com/forums/me-and-my-spouse/76530-wish-to-have-a-baby.html