http://www.indusladies.com/forums Share and discuss all about your life, marriage, how life has changed after marriage... en Sat, 21 Nov 2009 14:40:43 GMT vBulletin 60 http://www.IndusLadies.com/forums/images/006/misc/rss.jpg http://www.indusladies.com/forums http://www.indusladies.com/forums/married-life/77819-wife-becoming-a-problem-help.html Fri, 20 Nov 2009 17:09:52 GMT Hello Ladies:
I am married and have kids. My wife is otherwise very nice to me but when it comes to my parents she has issues. Ours was a arranged marriage 10yrs back. Soon after marriage we came to US since my job was here. We stayed with parents after our marriage for only a week. I don't know what she has analyzed in that one week that she passes comments about my parents till now even infront of the kids as to how my parents eat,talk etc etc. After that whenever we went to visit she will not come to my parents house. My parents live in a village and so first when we land in India we go to her parents (my in-laws) house and after couple or 3 days leave to my parents house. She never talks over phone also to my parents. I have to go to my parents house minus wife and kids and then after few days I have to go to her house as her mom comes up with some party or celebration and they need a son-in-law at that time.She never accompanied me except for once when that too some elderly person her relative was there and she said how can you not go to you inlaws house with your husband? You need to go and then she very grudgingly came along but after 3 days she said she needs to go. Her complaint is why can't they come and live in the city since she doesn't like to go to village where there are no amenities and moreover my parents are so old-fashioned in their ways. They never asked her to be like that then what is her problem? Ladies, I have been in US for more than 15 yrs and my parents have everything they need even in village like TV,phone,all kitchen stuff,even computer. I dont know what more she needs. She says she doesn't like the food my mom cooks.
I talked to her very clearly before we left last time and she said she will see but as soon as she sees her parents...thats it! Her mom also interferes a lot and encourages these things. I think my parents are missing the kids each time we go. Since my kids are small 6 and 4 so they need their mom only.

No amount of explaining is working. If I start tellling her she says I dont love her so I am asking her to do what she doesnt like. Clear cut talking and practical things only backfire....she says I can leave her and she can live with her parents in India...anyway she did not like coming and living in the US. Once I got mad and yelled saying then why did you marry me knowing I live in US. She called her mom and cried. Later, after she got a job here she said I can divorce her if I wish to. I don't want to do since I have kids who will suffer and I also know that her salary alone will not support fully.

Can anyone here help me.
friend2009 ]]> Married Life friend2009 http://www.indusladies.com/forums/married-life/77819-wife-becoming-a-problem-help.html http://www.indusladies.com/forums/married-life/77745-want-your-opinion-on-this.html Fri, 20 Nov 2009 03:56:22 GMT Hi all,
This time I am back not with a problem,but just want to know what you all have to say about this.
My SIL(husband's sister) is married for 5 years and she has a year old kid.She is working.Her husband is a very short tempered guy(more or less like my husband).She has been very submissive towards her husband and tries not to give him any chance.This all made her life completely choked up..In her own words she says she feels like going somewhere.Now since she has a child,she feels more comfortable and happy.In short according to her, her life is revolved around her son now.She is very happy with the child and now she does not care for anything else.Her husband's temper or MIL's tantrums also done bother her.In her word she syas "Maine apne bachche mein apni zindagi dhund li hain(I have found my life in my son)"..
Now can a baby really change a life so much.I dont have kids.But seeing her stabilised like this I feel like having a baby now(My DH and I were planning to try for a baby from early next year)..Can a kid really change so many things.i mean her DH is still the same but she is less bothered. ]]> Married Life Cool1 http://www.indusladies.com/forums/married-life/77745-want-your-opinion-on-this.html http://www.indusladies.com/forums/married-life/77727-abuse.html Fri, 20 Nov 2009 00:42:21 GMT hello all ladies, here goes my story: i got married in early 08 and came here to usa. mine is an arranged marriage. when we both met, we decided that after 4 or 5 years we must move back to india. my dh also told me that he had to take care of his parents to which i agreed. he also has a bro... hello all ladies,

here goes my story: i got married in early 08 and came here to usa. mine is an arranged marriage. when we both met, we decided that after 4 or 5 years we must move back to india. my dh also told me that he had to take care of his parents to which i agreed. he also has a bro living abroad. now my fil was a chain smoker till he retired and due to this one of his lung is nt ok and always has a wheezing problem. my mil is a diabetic. i stayed at my inlaws place for 2 weeks after my marriage. one day, i was sitting in a chair and was chatting with his aunt (mil's sister). sudenly my fil started shouting at my mil. my aunt then said to me that since we both were sitting he is shouting. but i always used to ask elders before i sit. then few days later he got into a huge fight with his sons and was uttering abusive words. i was shocked to death. my dh did not tell me anything about his dad's temparament. when i saw this my mil coolly says" lets sit somewhere and chat" . i mean how could she say that? as a dil don't i have the right to know whats been happening? if my dh expects me to take care of his parents he should have informed me about his father's bad temper isn't it? or if i am wrong to expect? my dh never gives me any emotional support ad i feel like i am taken advantage of. before marriage he bought a house with his bro and i came to know of it only thro his aunt. when i asked him about it, he said, we bought it as an investment and also i don't think a girl must knowor otherwise it will be like she married only for my house. i don't nderstand if he is really good or gives me smart answers. i didn't even know he bought it with his bro till 8 months after my wedding. is it wrong to expect that from a dh? also this time when i went to india on a vacation, his father never allowed me to watch tv. i was bored to death there (i went alone and later dh joined me). only he has the remote and if someone switches it on, he used to keep a low volume. one day, i switched on and went inside the kitchen to get some snacks and he switched it off. still if i switch on, he will keep the radio in full blast. i was pissed off and started reading magazines. thats it, he will switch off the lights. (since their house is dark you shld have lights if you wan to read). one day my mil asked me to bring a bag for her. i brought her a plastic bag from one of the rooms and then he shouted at me asking where i took it from? he asked like i stole it from him. when i told this to my dh, he asked, why not you ask if you can take a bag? i mean ppl seek permission to take a plastic bag? pls tell me ladies, i am so helpless. his neighbors all say that he used to shout like hell. he once called my mil's sister a b*****. he used to beat up my mil in front of relatives and when they looked alliances for my dh he shouted at the girls' parents. he even once got suspension from work. all this have been kept from me. my dh informed me nothing. and i feel ashamed to say that i came to know all of this by logging into hisa/c and reading his chats. but i must one day i was bored and just logged into to make fun about what he did before marriage. we are planning for a kid now. and till this day of my marriage only i have raised this topic. dh never asked anyhing about kids. its like i've been focinh him for it. and when i ask him he says it will happen when it is bound to happen. but we need to for it isn't it? or am i wrong? i don't know if he's acting smart or if i am wrong or if i am abused? now his parents are calling us daily and crying that they have noone to take care of and they are physically not too good. my dh now wants to go back. now if i go back do you think i will be able to adjust? if we live them, will my fil be a normal man? i am sure that i will never get along. i can't expect emotional suport from my dh. what do i do? also its making m guilty coz dh says that they have noone and he has to take care. still if i don't like to come he asks me to go my way and he will go his way. i agree taking care of parents is important, but they also need to adjust. if dh thinks its the one important to him (he says so) then he should not have married at all.
i am so confused...pls tell me if i am abused? help me with my problem

love,
hema ]]> Married Life problematic http://www.indusladies.com/forums/married-life/77727-abuse.html http://www.indusladies.com/forums/married-life/77693-tired-of-anxious-husband.html Thu, 19 Nov 2009 16:20:50 GMT It's been 8 years since i am married. From day one, i noticed my husband has anxious problem. He gets anxious for each and everything and makes a big deal out of it. For even small things he gets worried and makes people around him anxious too.

I have 2 kids. If they hold a pencil to write something, he immediately say, "oh be careful pencil contain lead". If they start playing with pencil, he yells and immediately grab the pencil.

If they get fever, he wont even sleep that night. If the children dont take medicine, he shows them hell. Even they miss a little drop, he grabs their throat and almost choke them and put the medicine. when the children have fever, he wont sleep that night. if i try to sleep, he says, how can you even sleep when kids have fever. I know he loves them but his actions are very disturbing.

If kids sit on carpet, he shouts and yells and make them sit on sofa.

I am just thinking through my head and writing, the incidets are way too many to mention here.

Not only with kids when it comes to house or friends he does the same thing. If we need driving directions for some place through yahoo maps , he will give the neigbors address or some other street as starting destination, he wont give our address.

2 weeks back we went to a swim place to register my kids for swimming lessons, he gave out wrong names, wrong address , wrong date of birth. I said, "this information is imporant because, if they want to contact in emergency how will they contact us." He immediately said, "oh we should never give personal information to people, they will use it." I know we cant give personal info to everyone, but some things are too important to give fake information.

My child's school need SSN number for admission. I gave my child's SSN number to the school. That day we had a big fight, he yelled me like anything for giving out SSN number. Some things are mandatory what can i do?

My son was eating choclate in the car, and some of it accidentally fell on the seat. He shouted " screw everything, you guys dont know how to take care of things, make everything trash" Same thing goes, if the paint on the wall fades, if kids spill something on carpet.

One day while i am cooking he came in to kitchen, i was adding salt to the curry so any way i have to stir the curry so i let the nonstick laddle in the pan. He came and shouted "that can cause cancer, what the hell do you think you are doing?" I said, i have to stir the curry so i just kept the laddle on the pan, and as soon as i am done, i will keep the laddle aside. He made a big scene on that day.

Next day, he threw all the nonstick pans and spoons and got steel pans and wooden spoons.

once, I was making chapathis on my counter top and after rolling the chapathis, i kept them on our grantie counter top so that i can cook them later. He came in and said, we are not going to eat those chapathis, Granite can cause cancer and he threw all of them in trash. I know he wants to be careful but he makes such a scene out of everything.

If there is a missed call oh my god he will make a scene out of it. He will immediately get on the internet and start searching the area code, phone number, name etc.

Last week we went to a mall, my hubby and me both went to different shops. I had my daughter with me and he took my son. After a while, my daughter said she needs to go to bathroom. I forgot to bring in diaper/pull up. I had no choice because it is urgent, i took her to the public restroom. It is a big mall so obviously the restrooms are clean. I chose a clean restroom, wiped it two times with tissue paper, then let my daughter finish her job. Later we both washed hands, used hand santizer again, and we both came to the shop. All this time i was kind of worried what would my hubby say if he knows this, and i thought of not telling him. When i returned to the shop, my hubby was waiting infront of the shop. I had no choice so i told him that she needs to go to restroom immediately. My hubby gritted his teeth and shouted me in public and he said, enough shopping, let's get home and give her a bath. I had nothing else to do, i just followed him, and as soon as i got home, i gave her a bath.

One day after my daughter finished drinking milk, i rinsed the bottle with water and filled it with hot water, to wash it later on with soap. I was so busy that day, i forgot to wash the bottle. My hubby came in the evening, he said, "you are such an irresponsible person", and he throw the bottle in trash.

Last week while he was trying to fix light, the bulb accidentally broke in his hand. He had a cut so he was bleeding. He washed his hand and shouted at the kids not to go near the splinters as it can hurt them. I vaccumed thrice with a mini vaccum and a big vaccum. I made sure there is nothing and even i walked my self on that place just to make sure there are no more splinters there so the kids wont get hurt. He came for inspection. He looked everywhere and he found something. He shouted, "What did you do? what is this?" I got scared and went closer to look if indeed i missed something. It was a glitter/design from my dress. It is so small but it is shiny. I said, it is from my dress. He argued that is the splinter. What else can i do? I just kept quiet and vaccumed again.

Later he said, "Do you think the spliter went inside my hand?"
I said,"Does it hurt a lot? If it hurts then may be there is a tiny splinter in you hand"
He said "It hurts little"
I said "It's okay, may be it is a small cut"
He said, "You dont even care when i am hurt, see how much i am bleeding"
He expects me to be as anxious as himself, if not he will yell that i am uncaring, unresponsible person.


These are only few things i can think of right now but there are many and many.
I know all these things seem like he is paying attention to us but the way he behaves when he is trying to do these things is very absurd. He shouts, yells as if world is going to end. I am tired of living afraid each and every moment of life. How can the kids grow if they are constantly afraid of exploring? I want to live a free life with out some one nagging me continuosly and telling me what to do and what not to do.

I told him many times, that a wife needs her freedom and it hurts if the hubby continuosly complain. He just brushes off saying "oh, trying to be careful is not wrong. There is no value for good people in this world". He finally makes me guilty and stupid.

If i bring up this topic, i had to go through 2 hours of torture on why he is doing this and why i am wrong. It is finally always me who is wrong. Really am i wrong in thinking like this? ]]> Married Life LoveAll http://www.indusladies.com/forums/married-life/77693-tired-of-anxious-husband.html http://www.indusladies.com/forums/married-life/77692-how-much-is-acceptable.html Thu, 19 Nov 2009 16:10:14 GMT hi how much level of interference is acceptance from relatives into our family.be it you are married or not.... am a straight forward person, can easily blast off others and tell them not to get into my business for ever. but , dont want to ruin the relations completely, for the sake of my kids... hi
how much level of interference is acceptance from relatives into our family.be it you are married or not....
am a straight forward person, can easily blast off others and tell them not to get into my business for ever.
but , dont want to ruin the relations completely, for the sake of my kids as i dont want them to end up having no one. ]]> Married Life rojaa http://www.indusladies.com/forums/married-life/77692-how-much-is-acceptable.html http://www.indusladies.com/forums/married-life/77685-how-to-take-this.html Thu, 19 Nov 2009 14:30:38 GMT how will you feel when your DH says not to touch his phone and laptops especially... he gets me what ever i want without thinking about money, be it cellphone or laptops but when it comes to his personal things, he just doesnt want to share.. how should i take this.,should i just let this... how will you feel when your DH says not to touch his phone and laptops especially...
he gets me what ever i want without thinking about money, be it cellphone or laptops
but when it comes to his personal things, he just doesnt want to share..
how should i take this.,should i just let this go,,,,:bonk
we were just married for 2 yrs - arranged marriage - and i dont work ]]> Married Life asina http://www.indusladies.com/forums/married-life/77685-how-to-take-this.html http://www.indusladies.com/forums/married-life/77622-hindu-womens-right-to-property.html Thu, 19 Nov 2009 05:00:48 GMT Hi all, What is your opinion on Hindu Womens Right to property 1. Law gives equal right to daughters in Jiont Family / ancestral Property as that of sons- what do you feel do she has to claim equal right? 2. What happens to relations, of brothers and sisteres 3. socially How does... Hi all,

What is your opinion on Hindu Womens Right to property

1. Law gives equal right to daughters in Jiont Family / ancestral Property as that of sons- what do you feel do she has to claim equal right?
2. What happens to relations, of brothers and sisteres
3. socially How does one treated -if women claim equal share

:idea Regards
GirijaRamesh ]]> Married Life GirijaRamesh http://www.indusladies.com/forums/married-life/77622-hindu-womens-right-to-property.html http://www.indusladies.com/forums/married-life/77553-biggest-disappointment.html Wed, 18 Nov 2009 16:16:35 GMT in arranged marriages, where people dont know each other, what was the biggest disappointment you saw from your DH... for me - it was his smoking habit..:bonk in arranged marriages, where people dont know each other, what was the biggest disappointment you saw from your DH...
for me - it was his smoking habit..:bonk ]]> Married Life asina http://www.indusladies.com/forums/married-life/77553-biggest-disappointment.html http://www.indusladies.com/forums/married-life/77510-very-confused.html Wed, 18 Nov 2009 10:19:53 GMT Hi Guys,

Joint the forum as on today!! after searching through web. It was very nice to know that peole here help each other with their experiences of their life. Guys, im in big trouble now a day. I am married for 3 yrs & working women, iam working in one of the MNC as an secretary with decent salary. My problem is that my Husband take away all my salary for every month, only give me travel expense & dominates me with all the work of the life. He spends my salary on all his debts or give his mom for her shopping. My regular expenses are still done my parents. My In-laws dont talk to me properly. Guys i am very confused want to take some firm step to live a normal & scheduled life. Please Help me.

Jazz. ]]> Married Life jaspreetk http://www.indusladies.com/forums/married-life/77510-very-confused.html http://www.indusladies.com/forums/married-life/77480-did-you-ever-asked-your.html Wed, 18 Nov 2009 05:34:10 GMT hi has anyone raised the question with your DH aftre marriage about whom he loves the most, whether his mom or you.or does he show by any signs or actions, that he loves you more than his mom...let me start first..i remember asking him this at the beginning of our marriage..and even after a long... hi
has anyone raised the question with your DH aftre marriage about whom he loves the most, whether his mom or you.or does he show by any signs or actions, that he loves you more than his mom...let me start first..i remember asking him this at the beginning of our marriage..and even after a long courtship, all he told me is that noone can ever replace his mom's love and position until she is alive...:hide:
whats your experience... ]]> Married Life ashwini999 http://www.indusladies.com/forums/married-life/77480-did-you-ever-asked-your.html http://www.indusladies.com/forums/married-life/77474-physical-abuse-my-sisters-marriage.html Wed, 18 Nov 2009 02:03:16 GMT Hello Ladies I am here asking all your advises on my sisters life. She is married for about 10years now and has 2 daughters aged 7 and 2. Her husband works as Lt. commander in Indian Navy. He had been abusing her physically, verbally and emotionally for a long time. She always hid the fact of... Hello Ladies

I am here asking all your advises on my sisters life. She is married for about 10years now and has 2 daughters aged 7 and 2. Her husband works as Lt. commander in Indian Navy. He had been abusing her physically, verbally and emotionally for a long time. She always hid the fact of the seriousness of this issue from all of us.......off late the abuse has escalated and he beats her almost every alternative days for any and every silly reason and that too in front of her kids. Most of the time the elder daughter is begging her father not to beat the mother........it is such a pitiable condition.

He has stopped her from calling any of us and informing us about her situation..........just yesterday he punched her in the stomach and hit her head to the wall becos he came to know that she spoke to one of us about the abuse!! We are five sisters with no brothers and my dad passed away long back. In short there is no male member who can question her husband about all this. She currently lives in Delhi and all of us sisters are in different parts of the world........and when we try to talk to her husband over the phone and threaten him with a legal action he does not pay any heed........

Her situation is worrying all of us no end. We have repeatedly asked her to come out of the house and live with my mother..........but her confidence and self esteem is so low now that she thinks she cannot survive on her own with two kids. On top of all this my mother is also not very supportive.........she is of the old belief that a women will only be respected if she is with her husband. None of our husbands are very supportive of us having her live with us for a while.

My sister has never worked in her life and was married as soon as she completed her studies.......and this repeated battering over the years has left her so low in confidence levels that she preferes enduring all the abuse.......becos she thinks she cannot live on her own or how will she bring up 2 daughters on her own.

She also says that after he beats her for the next 2 days he will be very loving towards her and so she has this hope that he will change some day! I told her that this is a typical abuser behavior and that he does not love her.

Can anybody advise me as to what should we do with her and what sort of help can we extend to her?

We are wary of asking her to come out of her house becos tommorow she can turn around (She has done this a couple of times before) and say that if i had remained with my husband i would atleast have been able to financially provide better things for my kids...........but all of you have asked me to come out. I mean i want her to wake up and take charge of her life and take responsibility of her life and her decisions. She is just 32years old........and she has resigned herself to fate!! She has become so meek and timid that she cannot go out anywhere on her own....and her husband does not take her out.

Please ladies i am very stressed and suggest a way out

Thanks ]]> Married Life Sunshine123 http://www.indusladies.com/forums/married-life/77474-physical-abuse-my-sisters-marriage.html http://www.indusladies.com/forums/married-life/77412-what-is-your-opinion-story.html Tue, 17 Nov 2009 10:24:51 GMT Hi,
I am sharing a real story happened to my friend.
He is from a very rich family, very well educated and earning good.
His marriage was fixed and the girl's family were from good educational background and very decent.
After his engagement, he felt the girl doesn't speak properly to him and lot of her behaviours were not normal.. But her parent convinced him saying she felt shy to talk much to him..She walked differenly which her parents claimed because of her high heels..
After marriage, during their honey moon, he came to know that the girl is mentally under-developed.
She went to a special school and was taught to speak good english which would help her from humilation.
Her parents,well educated and in good position had told her not to tell anything to the guy until the marriage is over and the por girl obeyed.The guy became fully disappointed and it took some time for him to prove his parents about her problem.Now after a year,they got divorce with mutual aggrement..
Now the the most eligible bachleor has become a divorcee for no mistake of his!!!
What do u people think of this?
As this is IL, with full of ladies
Do you think,
1. what the girl's family did is right?
2. the guy should have adjusted to his wife after marriage?
3. do you feel pity ofr the girl's parents?
Pavi ]]> Married Life kpavi http://www.indusladies.com/forums/married-life/77412-what-is-your-opinion-story.html http://www.indusladies.com/forums/married-life/77364-should-i-change-him.html Tue, 17 Nov 2009 04:03:54 GMT hi my husband doesnt like to talk with other women, even with my friends.. should i leave it as is or try to change him. am sure, he is not shy though.. hi
my husband doesnt like to talk with other women, even with my friends..
should i leave it as is or try to change him.
am sure, he is not shy though.. ]]> Married Life rojaa http://www.indusladies.com/forums/married-life/77364-should-i-change-him.html http://www.indusladies.com/forums/married-life/77207-cant-help-getting-attracted-sons.html Sun, 15 Nov 2009 07:32:58 GMT Have been married for more than 10 years with great hubby and lovely kids.But recently don't know whats happening ..I am having the 10+ year itch.I am getting attracted to my son's sports coach.My son goes to some sports class and is usually on a field.The coach is a regular person 40+ ,a little overweight and not the type I will ever get attracted to in my lifetime but my hormones are going wrong .

He is not an Indian but I am.I feel wanting to meet him ,dreaming going to a drive with him etc all silly things like a 16 year old having an infatuation.I want to get out of it as it feels so silly but give me some tips.
He doesn't care about me or anything ,probably doesn't even notice my existence but here I am dreaming of him.Does these things happen to anyone that too at my age of 35?

I even dream of how willl it be if he ever kisses me then I feel silly.
I know its a crush and will go away in a few weeks but right now I can't concentrate of anything ... ]]> Married Life momusa http://www.indusladies.com/forums/married-life/77207-cant-help-getting-attracted-sons.html http://www.indusladies.com/forums/married-life/77204-your-spouse-their-career-ambition.html Sun, 15 Nov 2009 07:04:21 GMT 1. Do you ever think your DH or DW should change their "ambition" in life esp. with regards to career ambitions / financial ambitions.

If so,
2. Do you want them to be more ambitious in their career or seeking financial wealth? or, do you want them to be LESS ambitious than they are presently about their career?


And, why? Can you post some reasons.

3. You are quite happy with the way things are and dont try to enforce any changes...

Discuss. ]]> Married Life Spiderman1 http://www.indusladies.com/forums/married-life/77204-your-spouse-their-career-ambition.html