Extra marital relationships

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A few years back, the renowned moviemaker of South, K Balachander produced a classic movie titled “Sindhu Bairavi”. It is about a carnatic musician who is the rage of the town. He receives rave reviews from every nook and corner of the country except at home. His wife is a kind of Aurangzeb reborn who has absolutely no ear for music. She earns her hubby’s wrath by running the mixie when he sits and listens to the lilting voice of Lata Mangeshkar singing Meera bhajans. For her, it is more important to finish cooking food for her husband than to waste time on music. Her love for her husband manifests itself in every other form except an appreciation for music. Barring a few skirmishes now and then, they get along well being basically good-hearted people.


Sindhu is an orphaned girl who has a tremendous sense of music. She chances to meet the singer in one of his crowded concerts.She crosses sword with him on the question of why classical singers should confine themselves to singing of songs in an unintelligible language all the time when they should be reaching the masses through singing in a language known to them. The singer is initially irked by the idea but sees the sense of it in course of time. He is amazed by the depth of the girl’s knowledge of music. When he finds that she is also an ardent admirer of his, he loses his heart to her. The girl being a lonely person all her life accepts his love. Thereafter the story meanders through twists and turns and ends up in the usual cinematic climax.

The Director’s reluctance to keep the pair tied for life was more out of social compulsions than of reason. When the film ended with the girl setting out once again on her long and lonely journey leaving her child born of her brief affair with the singer to be brought up by the first wife, many were upset by the unfairness of it all.

A couple of years back, Ananda Vikatan, carried an interview with another famous film personality, Balu Mahendra, in which he has admitted to marrying a second time . His affair with his prime TV actress Mounika was almost twenty years’ old. He says that he lost his heart to her because of her passion for the nuances of good cinema. He could identify a kindred soul in her being himself a veteran Director who breathed cinema. Together they have made some fantastic TV shows. His first wife knew nothing more than serving her hubby well but drew blank on sharing his passion for cinema. He concludes that he tied the wedding knot after living with her for many years because he felt guilty about her being branded as his paramour. After reading that interview, many felt that if only he had shown the same maturity with regard to his relationship with the famous actress Shobha, she would not have committed suicide.

All this brings us to a grand question. Are these extra marital relationships justified? If a man gets wedded to a woman who is totally incompatible with his dreams and objectives, he has no choice but to stick around gamely for the rest of his life. It can be the other way too if a woman finds herself teamed up with a man who is not at all her idea of a husband. In most cases, they stick around and appear as happily married a couple as possible for several compelling reasons. They can not divorce because divorces are rare in our society. The void in their hearts can grow larger and larger and in many cases, the men and women compromise so much on their inner cravings that they cease to exist in course of time. It is like the famous case of ‘Operation success but the patient died’. They may save the marriage but at what cost?
There are some who find the inner conflict too much to cope with and when they find a person who turns out to be a panacea for all their torments, they just lose their hearts to that person. There may be nothing physical in the resultant relationship which can at best be incidental. But the world tends to look at such relationships with a suspicious eye because the general thinking is that any relationship between a man and a woman has to be physical. In a society in which thousands of couples go through the motions of a successful marriage despite the most severe incompatabilities, a few rebels are difficult to understand. Are these rebels to be pitied, censured or accepted?

 

Dear puni
I must first of all clarify my position in this matter. I have merely raised a socially relevant issue that is looming large in the modern society. The question of compatability was an unknown issue until a few decades back. The reason could be that marriages took place at a very tender age when the boy and the girl could hardly have any aspirations except some childish fantasies. It was easy for them to grow together and understand each other. Further women were hardly educated or exposed to the society. Their lives were spent entirely in kitchen! Even in such times, men were allowed to have parallel relationships and the women suffered it silently. To suit his amorous forays, he coined the highly illogical saying that man is polygamist by nature!

With greater exposure and excellent education, women are becoming increasingly aware of their rights and have the guts to fight for them.
In talking of extra marital relationship, I am merely taking for consideration the ones that arise out of emotional and intellectual incompatabities and not the physical side. The last mentioned is just a manifestation of a sick mind.
As regards the emotional and intellectual imcompatabilities, I can not understand why it should lead to either an extra marital relationship or a divorce. Is it not possible for both to start understanding each other and take such remedial action as will minimise the incompatabilities?

I want the younger generation to start thinking in terms of how to save a marriage rather than break it.
Sri

 

Dear Pritirach
I too kinow of a similar story here in which all the people involved are highly placed Doctors! I fully agree with you that a matrimonial relationship is highly sacrosanct. It is a commitment for life. No effort can be too much to keep it on a solid foundation pariticularly keeping in mind the welfare of the children. I have seen the trauma faced by the kids when the parents are at loggerheads and it wrenches my heart.
I have seen some men telling me that their affairs outside are very discreet and their wives will swear by them as the modern avatar of Sri Rama! They say so with a lot of pride too! Hearing them, I feel that it is the most cruel form of hypocrisy!
Sri

 

Dear Cool
If the husband is not a 'habitual offender' as they say in criminal parlance, wont it be more prudent to sit and talk things over rather than allowing it to end up in a divorce? But I often find that whenever a rift surfaces between a man and his wife, ego takes the front seat and becomes the driving force.
The irony here is that the parents of the girl counsel patience while the offending man is encouraged by his parents invariably, their argument being that a woman can not question her husband! I'm glad that even the parents are getting more enlightened now
Sri

 

Dear Chithra
The finality with which you have said NO can be understood and appreciated in the light of your age, your social status and the impeccable image you have earned yourself.
If fear is the key for the chastity belt, long live FEAR!
Sri