Etiquette is not my cup of tea!

Etiquette is not my cup of tea!

Etiquette, according to the American Humorist Will Cuppy, means behaving yourself a little better than is absolutely necessary. I not only endorse Cuppy’s statement wholeheartedly but would also like to add my own bit. Etiquette means behaving a little better in public than when we are alone. My knowledge of the behavioral pattern of women when they are left to themselves is quite limited and hence would not know if this rule is applicable to them. But I can say with certain amount of certainty that Will Cuppy would have made this statement only after observing his male friends at close quarters.

It follows from the above that behavior is of three types. First is etiquette which is behaving a little better than absolutely necessary. Second is the ‘absolutely necessary’ type and the third is ‘go to hell’ type of behavior. The first is usually followed by men when they are in elite company. The second suits him in office and other public places. The third is resorted to whenever he is alone or in ‘total communion with nature’ as the saying goes. Most men are able to switch gears as the occasion demands but for a few, it can be a very tough exercise. These unfortunate few may become extremely unpopular in public despite having a heart of gold.

The greatest thing in life is the freedom to behave as one wants which can be possible only when he is alone. While going through some funny statistics, I came across an item recently which said that 86% of men tended to make faces at themselves when they were alone with a mirror. I would have strongly opposed it if I was not one of that 86%
I wouldn’t say I make faces at myself but it is like this. When I have a mirror all for myself with no one around, I tend to examine my face at various angles to see which one of them made me look my best. While I am engaged in this self-improvement exercise, it is possible for any one sneaking in at that moment to come to the conclusion that I have this habit of making faces at myself. So this statistics hardly comes to me as a surprise. If ever I come across another man indulging in this luxury, I would want to ask him how he resists the temptation of doing it on other occasions like washing his hands in a restaurant. I have seen some men following Oscar Wilde’s suggestion that the best way to resist a temptation is to yield to it and letting themselves go berserk whenever they sight a mirror no matter where it is.

The second is the ‘absolutely necessary’ kind of behavior which needs to be followed in our professional and other pubic avocations. This is by far the most difficult of the three. As far as situations where a person is expected to follow some etiquette, he has the option to avoid such situations if etiquette is not his cup of tea. Thus if he gets an invitation for dinner from the Buckingham Palace, he can politely turn it down instead of attending it and making a fool of himself. Do you remember the havoc that Peter Sellers caused at ‘The Party’ hosted by one of the biggest Hollywood tycoons? It was well within his powers to have declined that invitation but had he done so, we would have missed a rollicking comedy. Coming back to the point, the situations which demand the ‘absolutely necessary’ kind of behaviour are usually unavoidable and if a person is unable to cope up with the pressures of such situations, he may ultimately become a nervous wreck. My tenure with State Bank very nearly did that to me when I had to be polite and keep smiling at some of the rowdy elements in the office in the interest of ‘customer service’
Etiquette is nothing but wearing a shining Knight’s armour on a hot summer day and taking a stroll on the sands of Marina! It is bound to make you sweat under the collar and swear under your breath. The redeeming feature here is, as I have stated earlier, that it is purely optional. For Bohemian characters like me, etiquette may mean a fate worse than death. In fact, my aversion to following any form of etiquette is probably due to too much reading of Wodehouse. I still recall with horror how visitors to a place like the Barribault’s hotel are given a full page of do’s and don’ts that can unnerve even the most lion-hearted! For instance, wolf-whistling is prohibited in the lobby of Barribault's Hotel and so none of those present there can attempt this form of homage to pretty women there!

The greatest danger yet is a state of confusion in our minds as to which form of behaviour is best suited for a given circumstance. If we reserve our best behaviour for the blissful moments of our bath and display even a trace of our bathroom behaviour in public or while in elite company, we may get directed to an asylum!

 

Dear Mol
Nothing pleases a man more than his image on the mirror. He may not be sitting whole day in front of the mirror and asking 'Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?' for two reasons. First, as the bread winner of the family, he can't afford to sit in front of the mirror whole day. Secondly, he is so sure of himself that he doesn't have to check it up with the mirror from time to time. Unlike a woman, a man never worries if anyone can be more handsome than him. If someone of the eminence of the great American poet Walt Whitman can say something like " I dote on myself, there is that lot of me and all so luscious", I do not have to say anything more on this aspect! Some men can even go overboard with self-love like Oscar Wilde's Dorian Gray. People look at Dorian's obsession in different ways but I look at it as pure tragedy.

Men also like to hear good things being said about how they look. I had a colleague in State Bank who had no big opinion about his looks. One day a woman employee told him that he always reminded her of the handsome film star of yesteryears Gemini Ganesan who was famous for his fatal attraction among women. From that day onwards, this colleague became a changed man. He acquired an all-new jaunty gait and was always armed with a comb and other paraphernalia. He was ever ready to flash on his toothy smile at each and every one. Later on, we came to know that the woman employee told him so to get her application for a month's leave sanctioned by him. He was known for his reluctance to sanction leave but the ammunition used by that employee proved effective!
Sri

 

Dear Bhuvana
I extend a warm welcome to you and thank you for your maiden FB in my forum!

The most physically taxing exercise that a human being has to perform is to keep smiling when he doesn't feel like it. Within an hour the jaws will start aching and if the smiling has to be done for a couple of hours, even a pain killer may become necessary. That's why I have the greatest admiration for the job that an air-hostess performs in-flight! I have no doubt that her face will be more tired than her legs at the end of a long flight!

You are right about these elite parties. The feeling of freedom that we feel at the conclusion of such parties is greater than what Gandhiji got for us!
Sri

 

Dear Shanthi
This is one aspect where men differ from women. Men cannot resist any shiny surface to look at themselves. Place a gleaming plate before them and they'll survey their countenance first before consuming what is served in it. They feel least disturbed even if the image thrown by the curved surface of the plate is grotesque because that will make them feel better that they are not that bad in reality! But a woman will not risk looking at her face in any surface that will not be flattering to her! That's why we hardly find any woman who is as enterprising as a man in making use of any shiny object to survey her features. They prefer to carry a small mirror in their pouches!

All that noise made about Peter Sellers donning the role of an ethnic Indian in The Party was only from the usually hostile groups. Thank God this Thackeray youngster was not around then. Had he been there, we would not have got a chance to see the movie. Or perhaps, he would have passed it as Bakshi was not portrayed as someone from Mumbai!

That Emily woman was a pain in the neck! I hate anyone looking at me in horror as I dip my fingers into a plate of steaming hot Bisibela! Spoons are meant for taking only cough syrups and table spoons can at best be a tool of culinary experts! Imagine classes being conducted to teach women where to leave their handbags while dining! It will be more useful to teach them how not to forget it while leaving after dinner!
Sri