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The denial of a favour!

Discussion in 'Cheeniya's Senile Ramblings' started by Cheeniya, Oct 5, 2008.

  1. Cheeniya

    Cheeniya Super Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    The Denial of a favour
    Of all the tales of intense friendship, the one that I like most is that of Damon and Pythias from the Greek Mythology. Both were followers of Pythagoras. Pythias was sentenced to death by the King of Syracuse for heresy and Pythias expressed a wish to meet his people for the last time before being put to death but the King would not agree fearing that Pythias might escape. Damon offered himself as hostage until Pythias returned. The King agreed on condition that if Pythias did not return on the appointed day, Damon would be put to death instead. The story is all about how Pythias returned to Syracuse in time to relieve his friend Damon from the gallows and how the King turned a new leaf on witnessing such a friendship. He not only pardoned Pythias but made both of them his counsel. There are quite a few tales of such abiding friendship throughout the history of mankind.

    Let us take two cases of intense friendship from Hindu mythology. One is the friendship between Krishna and Kuchela and the other is the one between Duryodhana and Karna. In the first case, the poverty stricken Kuchela goes to meet his old friend Krishna. While Kuchela is tight-lipped about his utter poverty during his meeting with Krishna because he does not want to use his friendship to get any material gain that would alleviate his poverty, Krishna does not wait for his friend to make any approach for help. He bestows prosperity on his friend even as He hugs him and Kuchela does not even know of the great change that has come over his family until he reaches his place! We talk of ‘friend in need’ so often but can we cite an example greater than this episode?

    The second case is all about what a good friendship ought not to be. In every friendship, it is least likely that both are evenly matched in status, character or knowledge. This being so, a strong friendship should indeed be ennobling and pull the one at a lower level to the position of the one at the higher level. In this case, Karna could have used his friendship with Duryodhana and stopped him from pursuing the path of Adharma but he could not do so because the sense of gratitude that he had for Duryodhana not only made him support the Adharmic route chosen by Duryodhana but also lay down his life for the same. Because of the futility of such intense friendship in doing any good for them, it is not cited as an example of good friendship.

    In the modern times, when even such established institution like marriage is fast getting reduced to the state of ‘working relationship’, how can we contemplate such friendship as existed between Damon and Pythias? In the 1970 movie classic, Love Story, the heroine Ali MacGraw tells the hero Ryan O’neal that ‘True love means never having to say sorry’ This golden principle applies not only to affairs d`amor but also to real friendship. How often we see friendships getting broken due to trivial reasons compounded by the fact that no apology is tendered by the other person?

    During my professional days, I had a couple of colleagues who were known for their intense friendship. We always cited them as an example whenever the topic of friendship came about. I happened to see them in a marriage recently after a couple of decades and I was appalled to see that they were not on talking terms. When I sought to know the reason there for, a common friend of ours told me that it was all caused by a very trivial issue concerning their grand children. It seems that the grandson of one of them had come from US with some expensive gadgets. The grandson of the other guy wanted to use it for a while but the first one was not too keen to lend it. When the issue went to his grandpa, he supported his grandson possibly under pressure from his family and the request of the second boy was duly turned down. That was the end of a five-decade friendship that was a role model for all of us! The issue involved was only the denial of a favour at the second generation level. I can only think of the profound words of the prolific American writer James Fenimore Cooper that ‘The denial of a favour is not an invasion of a right’.
    How many times we have felt strongly so when our request for a small favour is turned down for whatever reason! This is probably due to a mindset that takes everything for granted.

    A good friendship, like everything else, has to have the support of the entire family to flourish. In the modern times, it is very difficult to expect a family to be very enthusiastically supportive of any friendship that may cut into the time and concern of the breadwinner for his own family. If it does, the first revolt against it will be from the family as in the case of my two colleagues!
     
    Last edited: Apr 25, 2022
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  2. Chitvish

    Chitvish Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Sri,
    Friendship, with its various dimensions, is a real magic happening between two persons.
    Ofcourse, there are many types - friendship for seeking favour, to seek counsel, to share joy and sorrow..... the list is long.
    I, for one, believe that we have to contribute our best to nurture a friendship & never take friends for granted. I cherish them, love them & wish them the best in life.
    The essence of friendship can be summed up as
    A friend is someone you want to be around when you feel like being by yourself.
    Sometimes, in present day life, friendship offers emotional support, which lacks from the family! As you rightly put it, the family feels, it cuts down the time and concern of the breadwinner for his own family.Very often friendship gives a support system, which the family, with their best interest cannot give!!
    A true friend is discovered not by searching outside for a right person to be a friend, but by your growing to be the right person to deserve a friend. Let us first give and then receive from our friends - Caring, Trust, Understanding, Acceptance, Respect, Appreciation, Devotion, Admiration, Validation, Approval, Reassurance and Encouragement.
    I love and adore my close circle of friends!
    Love,
    Chithra.
     
    Last edited: Oct 5, 2008
  3. Cheeniya

    Cheeniya Super Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Chithra
    I did not know that friendship could be classified into so many categories. I always thought that true friendship was an all encompassing one where action always preceded expectation. Friends are never taken for granted but friendship is. True friendship is a gift of God and it requires no nurturing at any stage nor does anything kill it either. I have come across a close friend of a person being described as his 'alter ego' but it is an unfair description. A good friend may not be an identical person. He may completely differ from the other and yet the abiding friendship will make it possible to understand the feelings and concerns of each other without any effort.
    Good friendship just happens to you. You dont have to go looking for one. Giving and taking are for the birds, not friends!
    sri
     
  4. Lalitha Shivaguru

    Lalitha Shivaguru Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear Appa,

    A good one on Friendship. Mami's post adds more input to it. Personally I do have lot of friends some from the time we were in the cradle....Touch wood still going strong. I do feel when there is an expectation from a friend then it is not a true friendship. We should be comfortable in the other's company as mami says we should be ourselves in their company not so & so's wife, daughter etc. We may not be in touch with them on a daily basis but I defintely know I can rely on them during any emergency and they also are aware of the same.

    I go with mami's summing up..... It is so beautiful.

    Dear Mami,

    you have said it so beautifully and excellently... what more can one add to this. Hats off to you dear. As asual with lots of luv and hugs.
     
  5. Padmasrinivas

    Padmasrinivas Silver IL'ite

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    Hi! To you all,

    I am a recent entrant to IL and I thoroughly enjoyed reading the posts on friends and what true friendship is all about. Cheeniya Sir's examples are so thought-provoking, I never analysed the negative aspects of the bond between Karna and Duryodhana. My MIL would always say that probably Karna's prarabhda karma and his gratitude towards Duryodhana led him to be loyal and act the way he did.
    I fully concur with Chithra Mami's statement that that “we have to contribute our best to nurture a friendship & never take friends for granted”. Many a time one turns to a friend “to seek counsel or to share joy and sorrow”, to cry on his/her shoulder….
    There is an instant bonding with some people as though we are soulmates, and these same persons later turn out to be our best friends, with whom we can bare our hearts without hesitation. Many days may pass without talking to each other or even so much as a ‘Hello’ by sms/email, they understand that each of us is caught up in our day-to-day grind but that we are there for each other when the need arises…. in fact, often there is a strong intuition and I just reach for the phone to contact a friend at the exact moment he/she is thinking of calling me!

    I am indeed fortunate to have friends of this kind.

    Padma Srinivas
     
  6. Cheeniya

    Cheeniya Super Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear LS
    I thank you on my own behalf and on behalf of that skilled mami whose wonderful summing up has added a lot of sheen to my thread. Having said that, I should add that a man's view of friendship could be different from that of a woman. That probably explains my matter-of-fact exposition!
    Sri
     
  7. Cheeniya

    Cheeniya Super Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Padma
    It is so nice to have you visit my forum and express your views.It is hard to believe that you are new to IL. In fact, the manner in which you have expressed yourself with such clarity and couched in an impeccable language raises a lot of expectation. I wouldn't be surprised if you emerge very soon as one of the most sought after writers of IL.

    I am in total agreement about the 'instant bonding' leading to a lasting friendship. A well thought out association can at best be a friendship of convenience and nothing more. It can be clinically alive but the soul would be missing!
    Sri
     
  8. Devika Menon

    Devika Menon Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Sir,

    Came here looking for gold and struck a treasure on friendship!!

    Lovely interesting blog on friendship. the most beautiful relation in the world where one can actually find the one solace that makes life worth living.

    The extent of friendship depends upon the ease with which you can connect with your friend , not constantly having to weigh thoughts, can be your worst possible self and yet be loved . Where transparency is the key word. Where it can be seen that you have the safety, the life and the desire to be with the person who provides you with this. Where you can be in sync with one another without having much in common.

    These days where friendship is often manipulated on the basis of the strength of the wallet, the needs and desires for friendship emanating from purely selfish desires, its is an absolute treasure to find that GOOD FRIEND. And so when we find one , cherish them forever and ever, irrespective of the acceptance by the family . Sometimes it takes time for people to realise the value of others, but that shouldn't ruin a perfectly blessed relation.

    Lovely blog Sir, the examples are absolutely divine . A lot to learn from here:))

    Love,
    Your Mol
     
  9. Geetha Iyer

    Geetha Iyer New IL'ite

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    Dear Cheeniya sir,

    A nice and interesting write-up as usual by you on friendship. There are some strange friendships similar to that of Duriyodana and Karna. The one that comes to my mind is between King Henry II and Thomas Becket. Becket was bold enough to oppose King Henry II although he was his close friend and King Henry II got him executed and then gets whipped for that act. Richard Burton and Peter O'Toole acted brilliantly and won Oscars.

    Recently, I came across the story of another strange friendship. The friendship was between Cho En lai the Chinese P.M in the 50's and a Thailand Minister. The story says that Chou En lai adopted the Thai Minister's daughter and brought her up in Peking (now Beijing). The girl faced lot of problems during the Cultural revolution by Mao's Red Army and Chou En lai risking his life sent the girl for assylum in England.

    My signature lines speak the values of frienship.

    Regards,

    Geetha Iyer
     
    Last edited: Oct 7, 2008
  10. dolorcosta

    dolorcosta Senior IL'ite

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    The mention of Henry II and Thomas Becket reinded me of a classic film-
    " A man for all seasons" in which Sir Thomas More stood up to King Henry VIII when the King
    rejected the Roman Catholic Church to obtain a divorce and remarriage .

    In the end Thomas More was executed by Henry VIII , even though they were very
    good friends and while being executed More's last immortal words were :
    ""I die the King's loyal servant but God's first."

    Regards.


     

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