The right to say NO!

Cheeniya · Jul 14, 2014

The Right to say NO

‘You have the right to say NO’ screamed a huge hoarding in front of my Bank on the day I was walking out of it for the last time after my voluntary retirement in 1990. This board had been put up by some social service organization. I stared at the Board pensively for a few minutes, even sadly. I wish someone had drilled it in my head years back, I told myself. This has been my greatest failing in life that I did not have the ability to say NO even when the proposition was beyond me to do anything positive. I had the right to say NO but I never said it and as a result I ended up acutely embarrassed on several occasions.

Three decades have passed now but I am yet to outgrow this colossal weakness. Fortunately not many favours are asked of me considering my age now and I am able to keep my commitments in most of the cases. But in retrospect, I could see how my habit of saying YES to everything no matter if I could do it or not had affected me on several occasions. It all started as a little lad of around eight when I was not what I am today. I was very sprightly, mobile, fast on my feet and extremely popular. We lived in a kind of middle class residential colony that housed some ten families. The housewives of the colony (they were called mamis those days) saw me as a potential errand boy who could help them out in situations like ‘husband having lunch and they had run out of his favourite pickle’. Initially I was reluctant to undertake such errands as my sagacious brother had warned me of the possibility of the trap I was leading myself into. The mamis used their skills of motivation to get the best out of me, you know things like how with my charm and demeanour I could become a movie star just for the asking, how other boys of the colony looked like a bunch of clowns in front of me, and in extreme cases how she would accept me with both arms if only my mum wished to swap me for her own son! Well, to cut the long story short, I just played into their hands totally and the first seeds of my habit of saying ‘yes’ to everything were sown there! I was far too young to know the difference between just praise and willful flattery!

This habit grew stronger and stronger until it slowly became ‘inability to say No’. Very often, I forced myself to go beyond my limit in my Good Samaritan role with great detriment to my own personal interests. I could see that this habit was proving too costly for me but I could do nothing about it. It was one thing running small errands as a youngster but entirely another making commitments knowing fully that they were far beyond my capability! It soon reached fatal proportions when I got my job with State Bank! By this time, saying Yes to everything had grown as an overwhelming obsession and it caused embarrassment not only to myself but to the Bank as well. Occasionally I flouted the norms laid down by the Bank for conducting business transactions because I could not deny any favour asked of me. Fortunately for me, my guardian angel was extremely active all the time (probably because it could not say no to me either!) and I did not run into any serious trouble!

I often introspected on this weakness of mine. Why was I doing it? Was it because I was an easy prey to flattery? Was it my ego that made me yearn for an image of a man who would never decline a request for help? Am I just a plain ‘people pleaser’ with a constant fear that I might get rejected if I am not good to others? I slowly started wondering if it was all worth it. I started counting the number of occasions in my life when my vain adherence to this crazy urge made me lose out on life. My increasing age helped me to see the whole picture in greater perspective. I started realizing that saying No was not as bad as I imagined. In fact, there was no risk of losing a friendship merely because we say No. On the contrary, it would earn us respect for the reason that by being candid we help the other person explore further alternatives. I can give you hundreds of examples of how the inability to say ‘No’ ruined many lives. By sharing this story of mine, I am merely pointing out that ‘You have the right to say NO! Exercise it!’

Shanvy · Jul 14, 2014

Sri,

Learning to say No when you need to say No is not easy for all, and that is why i think it is subtle art to learn.

I have learnt to say NO when i know that saying YES may not augur well for me or my family.

and it has taken me 7 years..The Subtle Art of saying "NO" - Blogs - IndusLadies

remember that friend of yours who could never say no, in another snippet of yours, i have one and i am still teaching her to say NO when she should because there is a limit to everything even to being the YES man.

feels good to be writing a fb to your post after a long time..

Vemala · Jul 14, 2014

Learning to Say "NO" is the biggest art and every has to learn from the beginning . It gives a great advantages to your life. The work pressures will come down if you can learn this art.

Nice Post Chenniya-San...

GoogleGlass · Jul 14, 2014

I have the right to say no - I can't write a fb for you C' but I can't exercise my right because it is wrong to say for a nice post of yours - am not here to please your egoholic mind

iyerviji · Jul 14, 2014

My dear Anna

A thought provoking post as always. True we have the right to say "No" but some people cant say No and saying yes some people take advantage. My husband who is an active member of a Samithi never says no to anyone if anyone asks his help. He is always ready to help anyone anytime. But now since he is nearing 75 sometimes he should think and say yes . He does not know to request anyone to do something and he will do it himself. Like the other day one person's mother expired and he told my husband that he wants to give his computer to the Samithi. My husband should have told him to deliver the same in the Office where they have the meetings but instead he told him to bring to our house. That gentleman also brought the computer to our house and told that if they want he will also buya printer. Since few days the computer was in our house. My husband had told his friend that the computer has to be taken to the office but noone came. On Sunday there was a meeting and my husband told that gentleman that he is taking the computer and if he wants he can give the printer also. He told my husband we will go and buy the printer . I told my husband request him to help him to take the computer and printer in the office. Luckily that gentleman came and took the computer and they brought a printer and took to the office.

Also for the meeting of the Samithi his friend asks him to buy the milk, tea, sugar and some snacks . Its ok earlier because we were staying in ground floor but now since we are staying in 3rd floor, he has to go twice down, once to buy the things because in the afternoon we dont get milk and then again when he has to go for the meeting he has to take the things. Like this he troubles himself and helps others. I am not saying he should not do it but do which is easier to do. One of his friend wanted to buy train ticket and he took my husband to stand in the Q.
There are many instances like this.

He will never take anyone's help foranything and always ready to help anyone and never says no. May God bless him and give him strength always. I am not saying he should say no but say yes which is easily possible for him , this too I am saying because of his age. As far as possible I also try to help him whenever needed but he wont take my help

Sorry for the longpost

Srama · Jul 14, 2014

Dear Cheeniya sir,

I am not sure how many people you have come across that can say no as easily as you can say yes! I have to be honest, when I hear a direct no, I used to cringe a little and thankfully many people only go around in long winded fashion to convey the same, making it easier on all of us. Many of my non Indian friends assure me that I do have a tendency to say yes first and then worry about how to accomplish what I have signed up for and are coaching me to say no.

Looking back and thinking about it, I do personally feel it is a cultural thing. Somehow we all learn that it may be rude to say no, directly. We may not do what we promised and may even find a way to explain ourselves as to why we could not do, again in a long winded fashion and make up excuses but we will never venture out to say, no directly. On a totally crazy note, do you think that is one of the reasons we even pay bribes :hide: I know you totally meant as in favors from known people etc. I was only kidding!

However, I am thankful you brought this wisdom of yours to us for there will be many like me who will benefit by paying attention to what we can do or not and saying so. It is a much needed trait and as I practice it my own life, I have to tell you sir, I kind of feel a little relieved even while saying no to something as simple as not visiting someone when I do not have an inclination to visit them. Note, I did not say when I do not have time but said inclination. So in this past trip of mine, I did raise some eyebrows but the joy of having said a no was complete for me.

Thank you for this nice write up!

mahaluckganesh · Jul 15, 2014

good morning sir,

I logged on to indusladies after a long long gap and the first post I read was yours. A very nice post. Especially the last para is so true. We end up doing so many things which we don't want to just for the fear of losing our friends, near and dear ones. And as rightly said I feel that this power to exercise to say NO comes only a little late in life when you have had a number of experiences. Lovely write up sir. Thanks once again.

Cheeniya · Jul 15, 2014

My dear Shan
The feeling is mutual! Feels good to be receiving a fb to my post after a long time from you. I am trying to recollect the name of the Snippet that I wrote long time back about someone who could not say NO. I think I had drawn out a character from a Stephen Leacock story but it eludes my memory! I have read your blog on the subtle art of saying No and read it again now. I smiled to myself! Isn't it true that perfecting this art is the toughest thing in life?

I had a senior accountant in one of the branches of State Bank. He was a habitual No sayer! He would say 'No' to everything that is proposed to him. Not one no but a series of them as if he was imitating a Wodehouse character! One day I visited his house just before his retirement. He was playing with his sweet grandchild with a big smile on his face which we had never seen in the Bank from him. His daughter complained to me how her father was spoiling the child saying 'Yes' to everything that the child asked! Aha, so this is Raghavan's (Accountant's name) Achilles' Heel, I told myself!

There is no need for us to perfect the art of saying No. It is just enough if we learn how to use it when it is needed most. Unfortunately we keep saying Yes even if we come to grief as a result of it!
Sri

Cheeniya · Jul 15, 2014

Thank you for your appreciative line Vemala. You are very true. Most of our work pressures get built up only because we keep saying yes to everyone in the office. Over a period of time, people start taking us for granted and dump all their residual work load on us on some pretext or other. The irony is that when we go to them for a similar favour on some special occasion, we just draw blank!
Sri

Cheeniya · Jul 15, 2014

Dear GG
That is a great compliment for me! I have understood one thing from this FB of yours, you have more Yes with you than No. No wonder that you are able to spread so much of cheer with your two liners!
Sri