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Very helpful but equally unpopular!

Discussion in 'Cheeniya's Senile Ramblings' started by Cheeniya, Jul 12, 2008.

  1. Cheeniya

    Cheeniya Super Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    In the early days of my banking career, I had a colleague. If we must give him a name, let us call him Raghu. He was quite a helpful bloke and very reliable too. If anyone ran into any kind of difficulty in balancing the day’s transactions, he would be there offering a helping hand. Those were the days of manual maintenance of all the books of account. All the transactions pertaining to various sections would be incorporated in the main register called Clean Cash Book. I tried to find out why it was called so and I could never get a convincing answer in all my 25 years with the Bank. Ironically, in most of the Branches where I worked, the Clean Cash Book would be the dirtiest because of too many people handling it. We would not be able to leave the office until the debit and credit sides of the Clean Cash Book tallied to the paisa. Once it happened, we would leave the office with a song on our lips

    I am digressing. I’ll tell you all about my banking career on a different occasion. Let me now revert to Raghu. When I tell you that he was such a helpful bloke ever ready to succour the needy, you must be thinking that he must have been the most popular guy in the office. Unfortunately, he was far from popular. In fact, people hated him secretly and never expressed it openly as they could ill-afford to lose his valuable help. You may ask me why anyone should be unpopular if he is so helpful. It is because his help always came with some sharp and unsavory remarks. As he sat there helping people, he would make some disparaging remarks about people’s reluctance to use their grey cells in balancing the accounts. After the job is done, he would leave wondering when they would learn to live without him! I am sure that you are now able to appreciate how a helpful fellow could become unpopular through his indiscretion about what he talked

    I can give you hundreds of examples of people who ranked very low in public estimation despite possessing some sterling qualities just because they had no control over their tongue. Till about a couple of generations back, outspokenness was considered a virtue but today you are supposed to couch your views in a way that does not cause any hurt. Sarcasm is not tolerated today as it was in the last century. If you want to call a spade a spade, you must know how to call a spade a spade. If it is done in a plain language as our elders were wont to, then we are sure to hit the hate list of the public. Bernard Shaw was one of the greatest writers of all times but his hauteur earned him a lot of antagonists. His unpopularity in the literary world is evidenced by the following limerick:
    There was a young man of Moose Jaw
    Who wanted to meet Bernard Shaw;
    When they questioned him, ‘Why?’
    He made no reply,
    But sharpened an axe and a saw

    My own dad was guilty of a lack of control over his verbal expressions most of the time. I remember vividly all the troubleshooting that my mother had to do to quell the pandemonium that would invariably follow my dad’s remarks. No one suspected his intentions ever but his words always had a great capacity to cause trouble!

    In the epic, Ramayan, Valmiki talks about three major attributes of Lord Rama that make Him so adorably popular. First, He is a Poorvabhashi. This means that He never waits for others to greet Him first to start a conversation. He is always the first to greet and make solicitous enquiries of others. I know quite a few who would pretend that they have not noticed our arrival until we go up to them and greet them first. Until this happens, they would be following our movement through the corner of their eyes waiting for us to greet them. The moment we greet them, they open the sluice gates of their enormous reservoir of gossip

    Secondly, Rama is a Mridhubhashi. He never uses words that are anything but soft and sweet. Even if He expresses disapproval of some thing, He says it in such a way that the other person never feels slighted or insulted. Caskie Stinnett’s definition of diplomacy as ‘the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such way that he actually looks forward to the trip’ is a classic example of this attribute

    Thirdly, He is a Smithabhashi. He never speaks without a disarming smile on His face. Frowns are something that His face has never known. I have come across a number of people in my banking days who always wore an irritated or disgusted look. The very countenance of theirs was enough to drive away people from their vicinity.

    Popularity is just a question of training our facial muscles to exhibit a friendly countenance. Face can convey a lot more of our concern for others even if not accompanied by appropriate words. But try talking sweetly with an emotionless face and you are sure to be bracketed among the world’s greatest hypocrites!
     
    Last edited: Aug 7, 2022
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  2. Jananikrithsan

    Jananikrithsan Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Cheeniya,
    Being popular and helpful is indeed diffclut a task, because it all depends on the way you round it off. You can go to the rescue of anyone whom you know but the way you word it also matters. Few are st forward and will say it on your face that you are unfit , though at all times you might have proved a better worker than the person helping you, others will say it behind you, I would prefer the first kind. A dressing to a wound and the comforting words that go with it are the perfect combo. Like the yesteryears WI opening pair Gordon Greenidge and Desmond Haynes. If you have an acid tongue all the good work is indeed in vain!!!
    Yet another winner post from you.
     
    Last edited: Jul 12, 2008
  3. sudhavnarasimhan

    sudhavnarasimhan Silver IL'ite

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    Dear Cheeniya,
    A nice treat to read your post on this quiet Saturday morning! :coffee
    But a topic very very close to my heart. I agree that a outspoken person can be unpopular! Even if he or she is helpful. I have experienced this always. I cannot hold my tongue and speak out what my heart says. I don't know how to polish my words, keep a smiling or expressionless face when my heart is churning out so much of emotions. I just cannot stop myself from spitting out the words! It has brought me a lot of unpopularity...ha ha......
    But i don't think i can live any other way! Of course i have learnt to mellow a bit and not be so passionate about voicing my opinions to all and sundry. I guess that is happening due to Age ( i mean old age and experience or my thoughts and feelings and Actions are mellowing down due to the Gita lessons! maybe!:hide:)
    But it is also true that the older generation were more so...i do remember my grandpa , like that and to a certain extent my father also. But i guess these modern day life and society needs more Marketing and smooth talking techniques to survive and BE POPULAR! So it is a question of being Popular or being true to oneself! What do you say!?!
    Enjoyed your article .....thanks!
     
  4. Cheeniya

    Cheeniya Super Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Janani
    Acid tongue is the most appropriate one! Acid corrodes everything under the sun. An acid tongue corrodes even a carefully nurtured relationship. That's why, Valluvar said, "yaagaavarayinum Naa Kaakka. Kaavaakkal sogappar sollizhukkuppattu" (Control your tongue whoever you may be. If you dont, you will rue it eternally) Thank you for that sentence Janani

    Your appreciation of Greenidge and Haynes speaks volumes of your taste in cricket. I just love that pair. A good action and comforting words can really be as strong a winning combo as that immortal cricketing pair.
    Sri
     
    sindmani likes this.
  5. Cheeniya

    Cheeniya Super Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Sudha
    I am surprised to hear of your penchant for unpopularity! I have been observing you in IL for well over a year now and in my reckoning you are, to quote a Wodehousian phrase, too soft to even say boo to a lamb! Dont try to conjure up an image of yourself as a bandit from the wild west saying that you spit out your words etc.

    Advancing in age does mellow us down. Not because of the lessons imparted by our march through life but because of the realisation that there will be no takers if we chose to be tough! You are right about today's generation behaving a lot better than our grand parents. Who ever had a chance of honing up his communication skills attending expensive courses those days? But having said that, I must also mention that guys like Shiv Kera would have found it extremely difficult putting across their views to our grand parents!
    Sri
     
  6. Vysan

    Vysan Gold IL'ite

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    Dear Sri,

    A helpful resource... yet unpopular, because of his acid tounge... Great blog from the great person...

    You have made me to re-think and re-look at things... A timely blog... you made me to do a huge introspection...

    Veda
     
  7. Cheeniya

    Cheeniya Super Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Veda
    It is a common problem all of us face in our profession and our families. If only we could practise the great attributes of Rama, we would have no occasion to regret. Most of the problems that we face emanate from an injudicious wagging of the tongue!
    Sri
     
  8. Chitvish

    Chitvish Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Sri,
    I loved the way you said:
    If you want to call a spade a spade, you must know how to call a spade a spade.
    There is nothing wrong with being outspoken, but one cannot afford to be blunt and sharp.

    I hope you are aware that Vish is a poorvabashi, mridhubashi and smithabhashi (though not a patch on Srirama is a totally different subject). Needless to say, that very often it irritates me.
    He has the knack, (according to me), of wishing people who, (I feel), would like to avoid him for one reason or other. I always tell him that he does this to project a goody goody image, in the eyes of others.
    Every phone conversation, he ends with “I am calling on you shortly, for sure”. I know he never will, but thinks he creates goodwill with these words.
    He has a special smile to flash on people to impress them; ofcourse, I call it a plastic smile, has to be mentioned here.

    Now, Sri, after joining me as Gita companion, I note that you are quoting Sundarakandam, Ramayanam etc, much more than before!!
    I am more outspoken and curt if (at all) necessary; I cannot mince my words just to please others, but do not bother to hide my displeasure. In calling a spade a spade, I think, I do it in a polished, non-hurting way; but I am sure you are going to disagree!
    Love,
    Chithra.
     
  9. abhatv

    abhatv Senior IL'ite

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    Dear Cheeniya sir,

    Wow! Guilty as charged! I entirely agree with whatever Sudha madam has written. I am also very outspoken. Didn't you feel so Cheeniya sir? I am sure Chiths understands me very well. After all I did spend more time with her. I beg to disagree with Chiths only in saying that Vish sir has a plastic smile. I definitely don't think so though I agree that she must know better.

    Now what do you say Cheeniya sir?--Do I know how to call a spade a spade?

    Love,

    Abha.
     
  10. Cheeniya

    Cheeniya Super Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Chithra
    That is sheer blasphemy to talk that way about my role model Vish! If you think his smile is plastic, then plastic will have to be redefined! You may be calling a spade a spade in a polished non-hurting way but the way you brandish the spade while calling it so is far from reassuring!
    After joining you as a Gita co-writer, I have become more philosophical about expending my energy in pointless display of temper.
    I dont follow what irritates you. Are you referring to Rama's attributes as practised by Vish? For your kind info, when I read Ramayan daily, I only think of Vish as a close equivalent of Rama. Of course, I agree that the measured pace of Rama and the modern versions of Him like dear Vish may not hold much appeal for modern ladies like you!
    Sri
     

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