Spoilt brats and indulgent parents

Dear Sri,

I dont know from the morning I have been trying reply 4 times.... half way though, something or somebody crop up... I have to forego my reply.... So, if I am not coherent somewhere, please forgive me.... (Chumma thappu thappa olaruvadhukku, edhu oru excuse....)

Great Post... Lot of people say need of the hour.... I dont know....

I always felt, the kids reflect the characters of the parents... You have given the golden classic example of Dhirudharashtra and the Kauravas... It is told in the Epic that Dhuriyodhana is the embodiment or the true replica of Dhirudharashtras desires.... Dhirudharashtra is jelous of Pandu... Because of his blindness, he was not cosidered for the post of the King and it went to Pandu... Only after Pandu's exile he became the King.... Also, Kids were born to Pandu before him.... So he was jelous, greedy and wants his Son to rule the Kingdom after him... So is it fair to tell Dhuriyodhana as spoiled Brat... Nowhere in the MB it is said anything ill of Dhuriyodhana either as a friend or as a ruler etc... He is only jelous of the Pandavas and dont want to share with them and to win over them either by hook or crook... This again comes from his father....

In the current world.... Indulging parents.... All said that they spend on their children lavishly and all... What is harm in that... It is not wrong as long as you tell them the valu of the money and teach them the morals and values... Spending lavishly on the kids is not wrong... But at the same time be strict and teach him the values... If you feel not spending on the kids or being in the middle or bottom middle class family is going to make your kids good, then it is wrong.... I can talk for hours from my personal experience... How I was, how I changed and what I am now....

The kids take things from their parents... The learn from them... The parents have to be the role model to the kids.... If they guide the kids properly then you will not have a spoiled brat... It is not the number of hours you spend with them.... It is how you behave and move during the time you spend with them....

Endhakkuzhandayum nallak kuzhandhai than mannil pirakkaieyle.... Adhu nallavanavadhum, theeyavanavadhum annai valarkkayile.....

I may be wrong.... I will stop here before I lose this also... I will come back with other points little later....

Veda

I am neither too young not to understand or old enough to give a precise opinion on this topic. I am working mother and my kid is with my parents in a different city(he will be joining me in June). Once in 2 weeks or 3 i get to visit him. Yes i do take him a lots of toys and gifts.I don't look for the cost, i just go for the toy if i feel my kid would love that. As you all said it could be the guilt that i am not able to perform my role as a perfect mother. But what ever i buy him i make sure it is of some educational importance to him and he gains out of the toy. And i do believe in bringing up my kid in a middle class life, which would really help him when he is grows up, to survive at any odds in life.
Hope i have not moved out of the actual topic.

Regards
Sri

Dear Cheeniya Sir,

I have been a silent admirer of your writing. Finally this time I have managed to reply. Your posts receive such instant and huge responses that I always feel I am too late to reply so I just don’t! I think this time I made it on time!

Just as your post, the responses from my dearest Chithra, AC, Shan, Veda and all others are equally interesting to read.

I belong to this generation of double income, double kids and super busy households. Coming from a middle class background, I tread very cautiously when it comes to indulging my kids. Fortunately I can afford a lot more “things” for my kids than my parents could for my siblings and me. But this fortunate situation also puts a larger responsibility on me to ensure I use the privileges I get correctly. With great success comes greater responsibility.

When I think about my childhood, I can vividly remember and even today enjoy (in my mind), the time I spent with my parents and siblings just lounging at home, those lazy Sunday afternoons we sat chit-chatting, that playing on the streets with friends and no expensive toys to boast off. I hardly remember what gift I got for a particular birthday (may be most of the times I didn’t get any!).

From my own life, I believe that closeness, happiness and good memories cannot be bought by expensive gifts or going on expensive vacations. They need for us to give the most precious commodity we own today – our valuable time and attention.

Similarly for inculcating the right values in children, we cannot expect children to exercise restraint when we ourselves lead a very materialistically driven life. Leading by example is as important as is not giving-in into unreasonable demands from the kids.

Having said all this, I sometimes wonder how realistic it is to exercise self -restraint. After all, we work hard to make our life better in all ways and material comfort is one of them. All I do is keep trying to balance. That seems to be the only way. If I were to ever err, I would like to err on the side of being too strict and frugal rather than the other side. Given my upbringing and beliefs, I think it will be my natural leaning....

SS

Dear Chittu patti & sri thatha,


Thatha patti sandailla Fb maranthu poitelle.Can anyone enlighten me reg thatha patti indulgence?

Waiting for kara sara FB.

Dear Cheen Sir,
I am not yet a parent/mother, but still would love to put my ideas for another gr8 post of yours.
I think money is not only the culprit to blame here, I mean in the production of spoilt brats.....people without money are well capable of producing spoilt brats too and rich people also managed to have good kids.....
So, all depends on the morals of the PARENTS.....childern are like plain paper and its us who can write epics on them or its us who can make them wastes.......Having enough money is a good thing rather a very good thing but to know how to spend it matters the most......we can let our kids spend the money in books/learning different activities or do charitable things, but its the parents who chose to buy stuffs for the kids even without considering the interest of the kids.......so, who is the prime culprit here.......the grown-ups........these parents get psychological pleasure by watching their kids play with the things with which they never played......so, the parents here are indulging themselves with hi-fi technologies on the name of their kids.....
Given an option to buy books/kids, there are lot of kids, who still will go for some informative books/magazines rather than the toys.
There are many instances where parents used to bribe kids for following their order/request.......I heard many of my frds will ask their kid to sing a ryhme and if the child is not interested to do that they will immediately bribe the kid with chocolates and so on......
And many parents tell that I am buying informative toys.......but a kid can get lot of information from the nature itself.......on a small walk........a trip ........, so why to show some lifeless thing to educate the kid when our nature can teach in the best way..
I am feeling that we people have earned so much and have never have an idea to spend the money in a productive way.......and this results in spending too much on our kids......
But dear Cheen sir, I have a question that why do we spend so much on our kids when we can spend a little on our parents too because of whom we reached to this point........can any kid be an indulgent kid........
Regards.

Dear Lalitha,
Sandaiya? Yaru, enge, eppo potta? Such teasing goes on in every thread !
Now, you asked for Patti's views. I can tell you very frankly that I indulge in my grandchildren a lot. But I do not indulge on them monetarily or by getting gifts etc. I believe only in "emotional indulgence" - I hope you understand.
My grandsons are too young. My grand daughters rush to me whenever they are physically unwell or emotionally low. I give them both the physical and moral support they need at that time.As a grandmother, I never take the liberty of poking my nose in the arguements between my daughter & her daughters. However tempted I am to give my opinion, experience has taught me to restrain & I remain a mute-dumb spectator !
I never advise my children about how to bring up children etc. I feel experience is the best teacher and not advice.I cannot help mentioning that I was a strict parent, but am now an indulgent grandma !
Whenever my grandchildren come home, I hug & cuddle them. I have never done it to my daughter; the question of son does not arise at all. I clearly belong to the "previous generation" !
I am also eager to listen to Thatha's views on indulgence !
Love,
Chithra.

Originally Posted by lalitha shivaguru

Dear Chittu patti & sri thatha,


Thatha patti sandailla Fb maranthu poitelle.Can anyone enlighten me reg thatha patti indulgence?

Waiting for kara sara FB.

Dear Janani
If one is able to instil moral values in a child right from young age, there is nothing like it. The saying, 'Inthil Valayathathu, imbathil valayathu' (what can not be tempered at five, can not be tempered at50) is a time tested fact of life. We have been seeing instances of it day in and day out and yet, when it comes to our own children, we are reluctant to enforce it. Being indulgent to a child is often confused as being good.

Kanchi Paramacharya used to say that we go to the Goddess wanting all kinds of things but She will give only what is good for us. He always exhorted the young mothers to be like the Jaganmatha vis a vis their children.

You are lucky to be able to be firm with your child and yet granting her rightful wishes.
That's the way to go!
Sri

Dear Veda
I know that the people who were regularly watching B.R.Chopra's Mahabharat on TV, felt a lot of pity for Duryodhan. The epic was the first to show that as long as the ends were right, no means to achieve those ends could be faulted. Duryodhana's jealousy could certainly be considered justifiable but there can not be two opinions that he went overboard in giving vent to his ire. Draupathi's vastrabaharan could never be considered fair by any stretch of imagination.

Anyways Mahabaratha can not be rewritten but we can certainly handle the Kurukshetra war that we all face in our day to day life more effectively on the basis of what we have learnt from Mahabharatha.

On the question of indulging a child materially, I beg to differ with you. A child should be taught, more than anything else, the ability to accept a 'No' gracefully. If we keep satisfying his every need just because we can afford it, the child will find it extremely difficult when his demands are increasingly being denied for whatever reason. There is a strong slogan doing the rounds these days-"You have the right to say NO!" More and more people are becoming aware of the need to say No when we mean No!

Negation of a child's demand is not being unfair to it. The child may not understand it that way as we do not understand God's ways towards us at times. No one becomes an atheist if his prayers are not granted by the Almighty!
Sri

Dear Srivatsa
"And i do believe in bringing up my kid in a middle class life, which would really help him when he is grows up, to survive at any odds in life.' is preciselythe point I am trying to make!

The question here is not what motivates you to be indulgent, whether it is a strong economic background or a feeling of guilt of not spending enough time with the children. I am not condemnig indulgence outright but such indulgence should be more emotional than material. Will the child feel close to you whether or not his demands are being met is the main question.

If the feeling that the gratification of all demands is the foundation of parental love gets into a child's mind, then it is indeed very sad. He'll expect the same in every walk of life.
Sri

Originally Posted by cheeniya

Dear Veda
I know that the people who were regularly watching B.R.Chopra's Mahabharat on TV, felt a lot of pity for Duryodhan. The epic was the first to show that as long as the ends were right, no means to achieve those ends could be faulted. Duryodhana's jealousy could certainly be considered justifiable but there can not be two opinions that he went overboard in giving vent to his ire. Draupathi's vastrabaharan could never be considered fair by any stretch of imagination.

Anyways Mahabaratha can not be rewritten but we can certainly handle the Kurukshetra war that we all face in our day to day life more effectively on the basis of what we have learnt from Mahabharatha.

On the question of indulging a child materially, I beg to differ with you. A child should be taught, more than anything else, the ability to accept a 'No' gracefully. If we keep satisfying his every need just because we can afford it, the child will find it extremely difficult when his demands are increasingly being denied for whatever reason. There is a strong slogan doing the rounds these days-"You have the right to say NO!" More and more people are becoming aware of the need to say No when we mean No!

Negation of a child's demand is not being unfair to it. The child may not understand it that way as we do not understand God's ways towards us at times. No one becomes an atheist if his prayers are not granted by the Almighty!
Sri

Dear Sri,

My whole statement has been taken in totally a different direction....

Sorry... I never used to watch the TV Serial... I am talking from the books... BR Chopra has added mirch masala I accept it....

What I wanted to convey was, the kids learn from their parents and the reason for them being a spoiled brat is because of the parents behaviour and not just because of indulgence....

I used to go the the school here on thurs/fridays for my sons coaching class... I used to see the kids... I can see the arrogance and no manners.... They feel they are right... They dont have values....

When I meet the parents, we can easily tell where from it comes... The parents who were from the middle class or bottom middle class, when they get good salaries... they firs over indulge in themselves and ... and they feel suddenly they have got 2 extra hands.... so, automatically the kids also learn this...

I am not saying that overindulgence is correct or should not say NO to them....

What I wanted to convey was, the main culprit is the parents behaviour and attitude...

Veda