The Subtle Art of saying "NO"

We are in the same boat for sure.. dear Shanthi.. I too would say no then do it for the kid or dh.. But I really think its not just to please others.. Like I have to cook for the temple and it really is so demanding and volume is huge and no thanks for this work.. But how to say no.. the ladies who organise these will get totally put off and you are cut off from the circuit.. So the reason to say yes is not because its difficult to say no..sometimes..my dh on the other hand has no problem whatsoever in saying no when he means it..I truly admire him for that but try as i might not able to emulate.. good blog..

oh shanthi, u said it,
sometime i am in a most awkward position than i would want to be in, yes but i always have different cylinders like the indane extra and jyoti which i had to buy out of emergencies so able to help out..sunkan

Great one Shanthi. Ah, I am one of those ppl who is slowly learning to say No. Not very easy for me I must admit! My hubby on the other hand does it and it all sounds so reasonable! So I am learning from him. I guess assigning a rating (priority) to people, relationships, everything else that we deal with on a daily basis helps us say "No" more easily? May be. For ex. if a person who is no. 2 on our list has to suffer bcos we want to oblige person who is no. 3 on our list then we will probably be able to say "No" to person 3 'cos we don't want to be unfair to person 2. Of course, we should surely have our own name on that list too, otherwise we will always be unfair to ourselves!
I think I have caused enough confusion here..
SS

Shan,u said it right!!Count me in to this gang...I'm very bad at saying NO to anyone.I just cant look at them and say no..If i say so i do feel bad for it later..I have a close friend who can diligently say no, not hurting anyone..Still trying to learn the art...

Nice blog!!

It is very difficult to say no to someone who is dear to us for emotional reasons and to others for not wanting to hurt them. I always find it difficult to say no to others and i give whatever they ask for and get into trouble (though not always). But i cannot say no. I say a stubborn no to my daughter if she wants to eat something that is not good for her health and also to my husband and later explain to them. THey too understand. I am now in a dilemma that whether i should say no or yes to my dear father who is 75 years old. He has lost a lot of money in share market and he wants to continue that gamble because he gets bored sitting at home. My brother has taken the brunt of it and he had paid lot of his debts apart from all property my father had. We too helped him at times. Now my brother says a blunt no to my father and asks him to sit at home. He in turn asks me to give some money to invest as he is so addicted to it. If i give the money and he loses again and incurrs more debt i am answerable to my brother. If i say no to my father he will be upset. I am thinking what i should do now.

Another interesting blog shanvy. Yes there are times I want to say NO and end up saying YES. So when I look up other persons who Says No when it is needed I really appreciate them. I like to observe those type of person. I know a few of them. So even I have wondered whether it is an art. Some of them just say a plain NO and the person asking favour can very well make out from their assertiveness that he or she cannot be convinced. So people won't fool around them. But that does not mean that he or she will not help some other time. So they are more comfortable in saying yes at the same time Saying NO when it is needed. They speak their mind.

Vidhi

I sometimes think that it is out of love that i do it after saying no...to my kids or veda..but they also know that there is a difference between the no and the other NO..prounounced as N - O..

Maybe the next time you better drop in hints that you would not be able to cook..maybe they have taken you for granted, that she will take care..it happens to me lots and lots at home...Everybody comes home for homam, functions as guest(i don't want to specify relations) and leaves after eating...mainly because they know i will have arranged everything...no help in any area...i am learning to say no as my health does not allow me to be so active now....

may be together we will do it....

knowing you, I think you will be always ready to help others...and i admire you for that ..but here it is about not able to say no..when we cannot actually accomodate....there is a saying in tamil thanakku minjinaal dhaanam....

Hey I am better than my DH..he can never say NO, and we have our arguments and battles?? because of that..

Yes you said it...prioritizing can help us to do it better....value of our time also makes us think before we say a yes/no.

Not a joke, but practicing no could also help...

I can say a No..but there are times when i hesitate..which i have to overcome....

You are definitely not confusing...thanks for dropping in...

Hi Shanvy,
Again another good blog from your side.
Anyways, I can say no to something which I don't want to do but the pressure and the Q-Marks attached with the N-word scare me to do so.
Its nothing like to please others.........why do we want to please others ........because it gives us happiness......so, we are the sole culprit to be blamed not others.........can you see a long face kid when he is denied of something......it will hurt you......so you prefer not to use the word NO.........
Sometimes to avoid several questions/queries, we say a simple yes..........this three letter word does wonder.....so bigger is mightier here (No, a two letter word).........
Ex, hwen I say I don't want to eat something, there will be questions.......am I allergic.......unwell........when did I left eating that thing...blah.........blah......so, just take it.......or say a simple yes......problem is solved.
And this habit of ours also does have its impact on the next generation.......we are reluctant to listen to the No word.......so our kids are often forced to do something without interest/zeal just because "they could not say NO"........no, rather we could not listen a NO.........
Am I away from the topic now............yes........
Regards.............

I have to give up and be as I am.. Not able to do this and I really tried. This weekend we have Thai poosam festival and guess who's cooking for the most part. I am cooking so much food . others are too but lesser qty and fewer people too. I did try and ask for help but no ones going to do it. Above all wait for the last minute. The few who are doing other dishes will call me last minute to fall out so that too will fall on me. I tell dh its o.k because I consider I am doing for God's devotees so its o.k.

a very interesting topic. I started learning the art of NO when i was in college. and did earn a few hatred eyes.

I told no to a girl who always copies assignments from me. Well she never asked me for assignment again. that is for sure. but then after 2 years, she forgot and forgave me. though i did just say no.

and since then, i am still trying to practise. theritically i learnt to be firm and strong and saying "i would love to lend u my xxx and help u, but u see i ve to use my xxx today itself. iam so sorry . and keep a long face . but practically iam still practising

aishu,

Welcome to the gang. You know, to say without hurting is an art..there are some who say yes infront of you and do everything that shows that it was a no they wanted to say...maybe analysing and prioritising will help??? in saying no without feeling guilt...

sujatha,

I can understand what you and your brother should be going through. you could tell your dad that it is hurting you..tell him to play on simulation...put a limit... and say a firm NO.

My FIL has to go to the temple at 6.00 in the evening..come what may..even if there are guests, or something important he will not for go...it has left a sour taste in lot of our relatives..

sometimes they think that particular thing is their lifeline..that they forget that they are hurting others in the process....

it is an addiction and obsession with some...they would want to play the market until they win back.So talking to him about how it is affecting you children and how he is setting a bad example may help..but at 75 explaining this to them is tough

Thank you. sometimes, thinking clearly about the situation, and then being assertive be it yes/no is helps...

You know the word No is better when saying NO.then saying ""I don't think... "
"No" has more power . in the same way I can't instead of I shouldn't shows that we have made a choice.

Assertion involves respect both for your own feelings and for those of the other person.

Saying no without hurting the other person's feelings or our own feelings looks more and more like an art....

thank you. You are right...sometimes we are ruled more by the factors and circumstances than our own wish..

Recently, my mil death ceremony was done..there was vada served...My sil forced me to eat...I told her I am right now having a cough..which will get aggravated..I don't want to eat...OMG..you will not believe..she told me what you are making so much fuss to eat a vadai..the moment i just took a bite..went into a bout of cough ending in throwing up... Sometimes,even being assertive and saying NO does not help.

I teach my kids to say NO/YES only after thinking... my DD used to take cover under my name...mom says this ..so i don't want to ...i told her, if you want to say a NO..go and tell that bravely..otherwise you will always want to take cover...

Shanthi,
Saying no depends on the person you are saying it to. When it comes to family and the close cirlce of friends or relatives, you cannot so easily say no, though what they ask for may not be reasonable at all at times. Kids are dealth with strictlywhen need be, DH can be made to understand. But when it comes to folk who are bound to think of you only when they need something then it is better to say no. I have learnt to say No without actually saying the word.
Very politely say it's not the done thing. I think the gas cylinder thing is the most common problem we face. Better is asking for veggies, curd, using up the space in your fridge if they have guests.
They come in all forms, it is upto you to put your foot down.

thank you. the only think I had to keep under lock and key were my assignments and papers...even my dresses,cash was never stolen...

I used to never be asked..so no question of finding a excuse.......

But this generation, you just try to borrow the notes for a day...it is really tuff...the kids don't like to lend their notebooks unless u copy in the class...and the parents are worser.....

coming up with a convincing excuse is also an art..looks like you are good at it...

janani,

Quite true..it is upto us to say no. the cylinder was just a trigger...to think about saying No...

and you are right.. kids need a rigid no sometimes..
I still don't get requests for veggies..let me see....

Next meet, let me learn a few tricks from you ....

AC,

I do get my quota of people who do this to me also....Sometimes i just leave it as it is..as you say..