Women--Sacrifice or Selfishness
Posted 15th May 2008 at 10:23 PM by padmininatarajan
“You must learn to sacrifice as bliss comes only from Thyaga not from Bhoga”…this was the first message in my Inbox from the archives of Sai Baba.Women are never actually taught how to sacrifice. It just comes naturally to them. They automatically share with their siblings, give away to their brothers privileges and priorities, succumb to family pressures and demands and subordinate their own likes and dislikes.
Yet women are the butt for blame in family discords, in things going wrong mechanically or in the running of a home or office, made fun of in jokes about mother’s-in-law, wives, work people, even in comic strips. When it is a breakdown of communication within family members, it is blamed on women.
Let us take the kitchen. How many women ever cook something that is a favourite dish of theirs? It is always other people in the family—in-laws, husband, children, why even the Gods—whose likes and dislikes are catered to day in and day out. Similarly even meal times are dictated by other people’s schedules even though the lady of the household has her own timetable as a working woman. 
How many times does a man enter a home after being late at work, play, travel etc. and just take for granted that somebody is waiting for him and collapses on a chair expecting to be fussed about? Compare this to the guilt with which a woman rushes home from a late appointment, work or even a meeting with her friends. She feels the need to immediately go into the kitchen, or open the fridge and check up on her kids about their activities, homework etc. We say that the younger generation is different, that women today get their due and are able to dictate what happens in families and that they rule the roost. If they ask for Sundays as no cooking day it is frowned upon as not being healthy, good or beneficial to the family bonding. What this girl does in the rest of the week is not taken into account or praised.
This blog is to throw the discussion open to Indusladies of various ages to share their experiences. All of what is stated is not uniformly true in every household, all women are not angels sorely tried and all men not MCP’s.
These are just observations and the more exceptions to the rule comes out in the column, the eager I am to change my opinion.
Total Comments 9
Comments
 |  Dear Padmini, Kudos dear brought a beautiful topic which is very close to my heart. I always feel women are placed second in all these things. From doing any electrical work to holding babies everything she ought to know. Why the water pump went ? why the gadget is not working, why the phone bill is pending and the list goes on & on.Recently I had the same situation at home. Normally I retire to bed early as I have to getup early in the morning. That night when the bed light was switched on it had fused. My dh cannot sleep without bedlight, he asked me to change the same. The bedlight is in the wall conceled, so we have to remove the screws to change the bulb. I told my dh that today it was not possible as i was damn tired. So he asked our dear daughter to unscrew as he is very poor in these things. Daughter's attempts were also futile. So i had to get up change the bulb and he says these 45 yrs I have not done these kind of jobs, why should I do now? As if from our birth we are doing all these things.........Got so wild gave him a piece of my mind and went to bed. Quote: How many times does a man enter a home after being late at work, play, travel etc. and just take for granted that somebody is waiting for him and collapses on a chair expecting to be fussed about? Compare this to the guilt with which a woman rushes home from a late appointment, work or even a meeting with her friends. She feels the need to immediately go into the kitchen, or open the fridge and check up on her kids about their activities, homework etc. Very very true, I also sail in the same boat I can understand how it feels but can't help ranting and rambling because there are no takers that too in a joint family...........oh my god ! |
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| | Hi Thanks for your validation. Here I was expecting brickbats Of course nowadays some, I repeat some women are blessed with partners who do a lot at home, to help them etc.!! The choice of offering help is theirs--not a compulsive, automatic action of women. Looking forward to more responses. PN |
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| |  dear padmini maam, am sure this post showcases what happens in many households....women are natural 'sacrificers', and we are expected to be so...when we do something, it is considered a duty and no one even appreciates that we have taken the effort - but criticism will be quick to come at the slightest lapse on our part.....if a woman decides to give herself a break for a couple of days, am sure she herself would feel guilty on the 3rd day....that is the conditioning we have... men never come out of their comfort zones....it is women who have to adapt - to new families, to new roles, to new rules, lifestyle changes....everything.... again, as you say, there are men these days who treat the women in their lives as peers, equals...am happy for those women...but am sure they are a minority, esp in a country like ours.... |
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| |  Women feel they don't deserve and end of the day they sleep being resentful. I think they should start thinking more confident of themselves and make deals ( sounds harsh ? )...Nooo..That will leave everyone normal at the end of the day. Of course with lazy inmates, it might be difficult., but a deal is a deal. Women should learn to love themselves, take the credit when it's theirs, stand up for themselves...If she is criticized for being bossy or adamant or lazy herself, she shoudn't bother, and if that's not possible, it s going to be a constant struggle..We have seen tht nin older generations. At my place, since it s just me and husband as of now, it's okay, I mean two days of week, he cooks or we eat out. I am lucky I should say. Interesting topic that you wrote about. |
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| |  Dear Padmini You have written an excellent blog on a worthy topic.. I have nominated this for the Finest Post of the month.. Since you clearly mention this is open for discussion and that you welcome exceptions to the rule I would like to share my thoughts here.. This statement of yours .."Women are actually never taught how to sacrifice"... I disagree. This frame of mind is unique to an individual. I think it would be apt to say Women are actually never taught how to nurture.. Women can be more nurturing and that need not be taught.. but sacrifice?!.No. If you see the volume of mothers leaving their children in daycare you will change that statement. Not every single woman needs to earn in order to make ends meet.. Your statement that Women work in the kitchen .. thats correct. So do Men.. some maybe not inthe kitchen itself but they do so many other things.. countless in fact.. You say that women are the butt for blame in family discords .. and you wonder why its blamed on women.. I think Women for the most part can be blamed for that.. A lot of women spend their time in gossip and also some are malicious.. They INTEND to create discord in families.. Not ALL women but more than a few.. Again this is just my opinion.. also sometimes a lot of hard work has to go into a marraige.. when you put this work outside the home it becomes difficult to do inside as well.. I would say both men and women are responsible for outcomes.. There are always exceptions where like Lalitha says she has so much to do.. But like Meenloch says they share the work cooking etc.. so its more balanced... |
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| | Dear Padmini, Women are never actually taught how to sacrifice. It just comes naturally to them. I salute you for the above line. I too feel that it must be the nature of a woman..sacrificing, especially for her family. I am sure that there are plenty of exceptions to the rule. My husband is called 'tyagi' -very affectionately by our daughters and by those who know him closely! I Never got that accolade!! Yet, when it comes to day to day life, a woman seems to be more hassled with every job. I can understand if much is expected from a full time home maker because the partner is working. But when both work, it is the woman who feels all the guilt pangs if things don't go smoothly at home, the man feels somehow exempted from it. Nice one Padmini and I like the way you have encouraged feedback on the topic. I don't think you will be changing your opinions on the subject anytime soon! Congrats on being nominated to the FP of the month. L, Kamla |
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| | Dear Padmini, Sacrifice is inbuilt in our nature ,its very true especially for Indian women.But they must also learn to draw a line and do their own thing when they want.I know its easier said than done, women really sacrifice a lot for their families yet they are blamed for any disharmony that occur.As per Indian values a girl must do everything to please her in-laws and husband and lead a so called happy married life.I really appreciate women who change their tastes,nature and likes and dislikes to please everybody in the family.This helps in family bonding and gives a good example of living happily ever after.But they only know how happy they really are ???? regards, Ruchi |
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| |  Excelently written blog.Good subject. Because of thousands of years of being caretaker of family, women have got conditioned in mind that we have to adjust, compromise,sacrifice and think only for family. And we have puranas telling us to be like bhoomidevi and do lot of tyaga for everybody. Even when nobody ordering us, we do sacrifice. If we dont, we become guilty. I dont know how with other women, but myself, if i spend some time for myself only, i become guilty like i did something wrong. Before marriage i used to think i am very independent girl and all, but now with husband and a child, i cannot think same way. My husband is not MCP, but because of habit now he expects service from me and it became habit for me too. Sometimes only i get bored and unhappy. But most time, i dont even think so it is ok , i think somebody has to do some jobs , no ? He is going to job and earning for family, i have to do my job for family it is like sharing responsibility. |
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| | Hey! Thanks all! There are ALWAYS exception to the rule. Why two of my own brothers are very considerate and do a lot at home--one in Pune and the other in London. The second one is in Chennai--he does a lot of the repair work etc. and when his wife and DIL are not there he takes care of the house beautifully. Once the women walk in then it is back to the easychair. (They may have been brought up right by my Mom:)) Have you noticed how our men do a lot when they are alone with their nucleus families. The minute their mother or sister walks in it is regression time and they sit around wanting to be waited hand and foot. This is especially true of boys in foreign countries. OUCH! I can see those brickbats coming. Anyway please keep the forum going. I have many more ideas for discussions in the pipeline. God bless you all! Padmini Natarajan |
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