"Romance and the Indian woman
HEMA SUBRAMANIAM
Many women in a marriage suffer from contempt bred from familiarity
This article is written solely from a women’s perspective. As I write this, I sincerely hope that people who read this article are provoked — into thinking, into debates, and into action. Our society has always adopted a patronising attitude towards a woman’s need for romance after marriage, kids, etc. I find that many women in a marriage suffer from contempt bred from familiarity.
But let us start at the beginning. All of us have seen weddings. There is so much of hope and prayers that the couple should be happy. When you begin with such blessings, one would think that things can rarely go wrong. Initially in most cases, the euphoria continues. Then the individual expectations set in.
There are the usual “husband-wife” fights. Trivial things, when the making up is as much fun as the fighting. But that deteriorates. Children come in. And this is when the trap closes. Children play an ironic role here: they help parents bond over the their problems, health and future. They are also the reason that most couples agree to co-exist.
Simple problem
I had a close friend who had a very simple problem in her marriage. That of apathy. Her husband just took her for granted. He most certainly cared for her, but over time, he also treated her as a part of the furniture. Her frustration steadily gave way to anger and a need for attention, romance. Her in-laws were aghast at her talk of a separation.
They felt that unless a woman is beaten, tortured (physically/mentally) and cruelly treated, there is no need for such talk of separation/divorce. And what about the children? Well, my friend also felt that children should not be victims. So she chose to stay in the marriage, to co-exist with her inert husband.
I feel our society is evolving. I don’t see women continuing to placidly accept their “lot” in the marriage. I believe most of our menfolk (after the first few years of marriage) get married again. To their careers or to the television. Or something else. The wife morphs into just being the mother of the kids.
What if the woman chooses to demand more, but not get more? Would she continue to remain trapped in a superficial marriage? Would she try and seek romance elsewhere (now I am walking on thin ice…)? If she has her financial independence too (which is now common), would it not be dangerous to take her for granted?
Many times, as I have voiced this thought, men have asked me to spell out what has to be done. They are genuinely puzzled. What do their wives need? The word romance makes them squeamish and embarrassed. My only solution is to make them go down memory lane. What did they do during the engagement period, when they were wooing her? What about those heady initial days of marriage? I admit they cannot entirely re-construct that. It would be artificial too.
‘Smelly socks syndrome’
I believe that most Indian marriages are emotionally unfair to the woman. After all the attention of being a PYT (pretty young thing), then a bride, then a mother, and then… then nothing. Just the monotony of everyday life. A friend once told me that marriage and children kills all romance. That it is very difficult to be romantic about someone with whom you have lived for a decade. The “smelly socks syndrome.” So now, we have a discontented wife, who wants romance, but would start giggling if her husband of 15 years begins romancing her.
I believe that that apathy, emotional negligence and boredom in a marriage are going to stir up a small revolution of sorts. What is disturbing is that most men do not even acknowledge this as a serious issue. It is dismissed as something trivial. One told me pompously that there were larger issues in some marriages. But if they were to actually question this need to be romanced, actually pose this question to their wives, sisters, friends, they just might be surprised. Isn’t that reason enough to call for a change?"
Yes, it is true, but not for just Indian women, I think. We begin to giggle when men try to romance because they forgot how or klutzy and most of all, they think they will get something out of it, if you know what I mean!!! All roads lead to Rome!!!! Men with one track mind. They don't think affection, understanding and just talk is romantic!! Do you agree?
HEMA SUBRAMANIAM
Many women in a marriage suffer from contempt bred from familiarity
This article is written solely from a women’s perspective. As I write this, I sincerely hope that people who read this article are provoked — into thinking, into debates, and into action. Our society has always adopted a patronising attitude towards a woman’s need for romance after marriage, kids, etc. I find that many women in a marriage suffer from contempt bred from familiarity.
But let us start at the beginning. All of us have seen weddings. There is so much of hope and prayers that the couple should be happy. When you begin with such blessings, one would think that things can rarely go wrong. Initially in most cases, the euphoria continues. Then the individual expectations set in.
There are the usual “husband-wife” fights. Trivial things, when the making up is as much fun as the fighting. But that deteriorates. Children come in. And this is when the trap closes. Children play an ironic role here: they help parents bond over the their problems, health and future. They are also the reason that most couples agree to co-exist.
Simple problem
I had a close friend who had a very simple problem in her marriage. That of apathy. Her husband just took her for granted. He most certainly cared for her, but over time, he also treated her as a part of the furniture. Her frustration steadily gave way to anger and a need for attention, romance. Her in-laws were aghast at her talk of a separation.
They felt that unless a woman is beaten, tortured (physically/mentally) and cruelly treated, there is no need for such talk of separation/divorce. And what about the children? Well, my friend also felt that children should not be victims. So she chose to stay in the marriage, to co-exist with her inert husband.
I feel our society is evolving. I don’t see women continuing to placidly accept their “lot” in the marriage. I believe most of our menfolk (after the first few years of marriage) get married again. To their careers or to the television. Or something else. The wife morphs into just being the mother of the kids.
What if the woman chooses to demand more, but not get more? Would she continue to remain trapped in a superficial marriage? Would she try and seek romance elsewhere (now I am walking on thin ice…)? If she has her financial independence too (which is now common), would it not be dangerous to take her for granted?
Many times, as I have voiced this thought, men have asked me to spell out what has to be done. They are genuinely puzzled. What do their wives need? The word romance makes them squeamish and embarrassed. My only solution is to make them go down memory lane. What did they do during the engagement period, when they were wooing her? What about those heady initial days of marriage? I admit they cannot entirely re-construct that. It would be artificial too.
‘Smelly socks syndrome’
I believe that most Indian marriages are emotionally unfair to the woman. After all the attention of being a PYT (pretty young thing), then a bride, then a mother, and then… then nothing. Just the monotony of everyday life. A friend once told me that marriage and children kills all romance. That it is very difficult to be romantic about someone with whom you have lived for a decade. The “smelly socks syndrome.” So now, we have a discontented wife, who wants romance, but would start giggling if her husband of 15 years begins romancing her.
I believe that that apathy, emotional negligence and boredom in a marriage are going to stir up a small revolution of sorts. What is disturbing is that most men do not even acknowledge this as a serious issue. It is dismissed as something trivial. One told me pompously that there were larger issues in some marriages. But if they were to actually question this need to be romanced, actually pose this question to their wives, sisters, friends, they just might be surprised. Isn’t that reason enough to call for a change?"
Yes, it is true, but not for just Indian women, I think. We begin to giggle when men try to romance because they forgot how or klutzy and most of all, they think they will get something out of it, if you know what I mean!!! All roads lead to Rome!!!! Men with one track mind. They don't think affection, understanding and just talk is romantic!! Do you agree?
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