My 'Nirvanic journey as a Mother !

Finest Blog Contest - Winner - Apr 2009!



I may not be a theologist but thrive on some very strong beliefs.I am not agnostic but believe in monotheism. This belief strengthened the day I conceived. Before that the whole theory would have seemed recondite.

Post conception, I felt divine, acquired powers , sensed an aura.

The bond between a mother and child began. The journey of life from life to eternity began.
I felt overwhelmed by this incredible power. The power to create. Wasn’t God a creator? Then do I have the power of God? Is this why they say ‘Matru devo bhava?’
The creator and the ventriloquist, the mother. I spoke for the child. I ate for the child. I lived for the child. Suddenly this was the core of my existence. I felt radiant. This aura wasn’t me. These were special powers given for the special place of a mother.
I felt my child. Each time I felt low I closed my eyes and felt the tiny hands caress me. The tiny movements of the feet , dancing and announcing the arrival shortly. I often spoke to her. I may have looked like a soliloquist, but it was communication with her. We communicated through touch, words and songs. It was bliss. Unmatchable. The bond unshakeable, unyielding, adamantine.

Then the day dawned. I felt a pain and rushed to the doc. He said , “Its an emergency but her condition doesn’t permit me to perform an operation now. We need to monitor the mother and the baby”.
The words were the harshest I had ever heard. I touched my womb.I felt my child saying ,
“Don’t worry Mom we both will be fine. Have faith in me”.
I told my baby,
“You have waited so long, please don’t let anything happen to you. Please don’t leave me now.”
Finally a couple of days later the doc thought it better to go through an emergency caesarean. The baby was premature but no more time could be wasted.

Finally it was time to hold my child. I was nervous. No nothing to do with me, but my baby. By then my existence revolved around my child.
I awaited , watched the doctor getting ready for surgery. Heard my child say, “Mom , finally Im coming”. I felt no pain, only pleasure.
When I opened my eyes it was to see the most beautiful bundle of joy. Pure ecstasy, sheer delight. Never has it happened before, never will it happen again. This moment seemed to last till eternity. The divine existence that I was experiencing finally saw a form. I never saw the colour of the hair, the skin the face , all I saw and felt was a treasure. My treasure.My greatest strength and my weakness.
They took me to my room and finally I was calm enough to peacefully sleep a while, but not before watching the nurse put my baby in the cradle.
A while later maternal instincts forced me to reach across to touch the child, and all I saw was an empty cradle.
I almost screamed and summoned the nurse. As she entered I saw her face and my hands and feet felt cold. I was absolutely still.
“Ma’am you baby was premature and needed special treatment. We dont have a ventilator so had to shift the baby to Hinduja”
And since you have just undergone Caesarean , you are not permitted to go there as the doctors there cant treat any complications arising from our operation. It’s a huge risk”
“You mean, I cant see my baby now? I have been living for this day”
But….
The next 2 days was hell. But I communicated with my child. The communication proved the connection unlike the umbilical cord. After birth the cord is detached and the souls are attached and that is what helps one communicate even in their absence .I told her that all would be fine. I felt her respond with the most beautiful smile reaffirming my belief.
I desperately waited to meet my child. I could almost feel her hands. I felt so filled with emotions and yet so empty.

Finally after exactly two days , despite doctors warning that my stitches haven’t healed , I went to be with my baby.
I saw my child in the ventilator. I looked at her. And suddenly I had no fear. I was happy. The nurse lifted her and placed her in my arm. FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE I THANKED GOD FOR MAKING ME A WOMAN. This baby , so tiny yet made me experience ‘Nirvana’. So I instinctively bent down and whispered ‘Nirvana’ in her ears. She opened her eyes. There was a very peaceful expression. This baby was the foundation of my being. My foundation, my ‘Neiv’

We stayed in the hospital for a week. The puss oozing out of my stitches gave me no pain, but the syringes on her tiny body pierced my heart. I felt excruciating pain.

We left the hospital and I welcomed the lovely position of a mother. My life revolved around her. I lived with her, breathed with her, grew with her.. She was more responsible for my growth than me of her. I grew as a woman and a mother. It was the most pleasurable experience for me.

Ten months later, Wockhart organized a bonny baby contest.
On the insistence of my friends I enrolled Neiv there.
There were various rounds. And YES NEIV WAS THE WINNER.. Amidst thunderous rounds of applause, I was invited on stage. I coyly went up while the head doctor introduced me . He said, “ This is the miraculous mother of the miraculous baby. This baby born with a birth weight of 1.5 kgs today weighs 9 kgs. She is in perfect health with great co-ordination. The credit goes to the mother.” There was again an applause and I saw my baby with her toothless grin jumping in joy. She had no idea what was happening but she saw her mother smiling and that gave her joy. She had already made me so proud. Who says miracles don’t happen? I live with this miracle every day!

She is six years now and we have a great time together. Each day we grow, each moment is a wonderful learning experience. Sometimes I am the mother and believe me sometimes we have a reversal of roles as she takes on the mantle of being my Mom.

As I grow with her I think of the times I enjoyed with my mother and thank her. Someday my daughter will remember these times when she is blessed with the bliss of being a mother.
My dear daughter I love you....


'Happy Mother's Day to all of you'


Love ,
Devika