Divorced the spouse?...No need to divorce the family.
Posted 28th February 2008 at 03:43 PM by Devika Menon
Hi friends we all know that marriage is not merely the union of two people but two families. It is a beautiful connection ,but sometimes things turn ugly between the couple and then the obvious Divorce.
What really saddens me that the divorce brings a disconnection not only between the couple but even the family.
I have a cousin bro who got married about 18 years age. After a twelve year relation the couple decided to divorce for whatever reasons. My SIL was a wonderful person and everybody got along very well with her. But sadly after the divorce ,it was an unspoken rule that no more relation with her.Everybody distanced themselves from her
Many of us cousins were shocked to say the least . Here was a SIL more like a friend and we were to disown the relation with her because my cousin divorced her.!!! So thats it one fine day a wonderful lady was out of our lives just like that!
I met her a couple of years later at a family friends wedding . I was accompanied by my family.There she stood looking at us ,so much of longing in her eyes, wanting to talk to us ,the family that she spent more than a decade with. She probably could not muster enough courage for fear of being snubbed by us.
Well I took the first step. I walked across to her and she flung herself on me and cried .Then there was no looking back . We constantly kept in touch .Of course initially the family objected. But I told them that it was difficult to just cut of a wonderful relation just like that. Later slowly everyone began talking to her and welcomed her to the family functions etc.
I really dont believe that if there is a divorce between a couple the family should break the realtion.Fine you may not be a DIL or SIL but still you are an integral part .You can still be one of the family.After all there is a more important relatio in the world ,the relation of humanity. I strongly feel that you need not break your relation with the unrelated member whos divorced just because you're an in-law. Divorcing the spouse doesnt necessarily mean divorcing the family.Do you all agree with me .?Do share any such experiences that you've had.?
This I guess is the most fragile of all relations!!
God Bless,
Devika
What really saddens me that the divorce brings a disconnection not only between the couple but even the family.
I have a cousin bro who got married about 18 years age. After a twelve year relation the couple decided to divorce for whatever reasons. My SIL was a wonderful person and everybody got along very well with her. But sadly after the divorce ,it was an unspoken rule that no more relation with her.Everybody distanced themselves from her
Many of us cousins were shocked to say the least . Here was a SIL more like a friend and we were to disown the relation with her because my cousin divorced her.!!! So thats it one fine day a wonderful lady was out of our lives just like that!
I met her a couple of years later at a family friends wedding . I was accompanied by my family.There she stood looking at us ,so much of longing in her eyes, wanting to talk to us ,the family that she spent more than a decade with. She probably could not muster enough courage for fear of being snubbed by us.
Well I took the first step. I walked across to her and she flung herself on me and cried .Then there was no looking back . We constantly kept in touch .Of course initially the family objected. But I told them that it was difficult to just cut of a wonderful relation just like that. Later slowly everyone began talking to her and welcomed her to the family functions etc.
I really dont believe that if there is a divorce between a couple the family should break the realtion.Fine you may not be a DIL or SIL but still you are an integral part .You can still be one of the family.After all there is a more important relatio in the world ,the relation of humanity. I strongly feel that you need not break your relation with the unrelated member whos divorced just because you're an in-law. Divorcing the spouse doesnt necessarily mean divorcing the family.Do you all agree with me .?Do share any such experiences that you've had.?
This I guess is the most fragile of all relations!!
God Bless,
Devika
Total Comments 13
Comments
 | Hi Devika, I think it totally depends on what kind of relationship the estranged spouse had with the extended family. I know of cases where the hubby and wife are still friendly to each other after divorce. And i know of cases where the estranged spouse has left such bitter feelings, that he/she will definitely be cut away for good!!. So I totally agree with you, in the sense that if the divorcee is a niceperson with good relations , then by all means there is no harm in continuing the friendship. |
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| |  Dear Vandana, Thanx for your input. I feel if the divorcee has had a daughter like equation at home then it is only understandable to continue to be in good terms with the family of the ex spouse. Regards, Devika |
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| | Devika, You have a very refreshing view. Generally in India people go by what the family opines and they think - now that the relationship is over, why should we care to be in touch? I laud you for taking that effort to reach out to your SIL. In doing so, you looked at her as a fellow human first and then as a SIL or friend. |
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| | Hi Nivedi, Thanks for your view. I genuinely feel that we invest a lot of love with each member of the spouses family and its very difficult to forget all that at the instance of a signature on a piece of paper. I have seen quite a few people maintain relation with the estranged spouse and its really commendable to watch them not relinquish the wonderful moments spent in the past God Bless, Devika |
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| |  Devika In my experience the divorce is total cutoff.. It ofcourse also depends on the nature of divorce..But I think people do not keep in touch with the estranged spouse because of all the bitterness the Divorce would have created.. |
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| | Dear Anandchitra, Many a times we find MIL and DIL have a mother daughter relation or the SIL's are more like sisters. It may not be a blood relation but yet its very strong and its vry diff to break these ties. I sincerely feel its all right to keep in touch with the family that has beenYOUR family for several years. |
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| | Devika Please let me clarify what I said. I did not say one should not keep in touch with a divorced spouse I just said sometimes its difficult thats all. I too agree with your statement its all right to keep in touch with the family that has been your family for several years". |
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| | Devika, You followed your heart and did what you felt was right by you in continuing relationship with your SiL. That takes a lot of courage and genuine human emotions. But I agree with AC and say it is difficult. Assuming one has a fabulous relationship with the person before divorce. After divorce, whether we like it or not, sides have to be taken. And there is no point in taking sides unless one is going to be open and honest about it.No point in being mean to the SiL in public and then send her fond emails. Obviously, the couple had a very bitter equation or they would not have divorced. If it is because one of them sinned grievously like drinking, wife/husband abuse, adultery- then it is a different issue. But if it is for more subtle, contemporary reasons like incompatibilty, non-convergence of goals etc- then it is not easy to fix the reason. In such situations, better not to rekindle friendships. One can always be civil and warm in public when we meet, but I would draw the line there. We have had our fair share of divorces in our families. A cousin had a severe gambling addiction. His divorced wife still keeps in touch with us, when she comes to our area, she calls on my MiL with their son. And my MiL always has affection for her. Whereas, my cousin and his wife divorced since she wanted to continue her career as a fashion designer and merchandiser in a sleazy fashion industry. She was my best pal when they were married. My older cousin sisters had no time for me. Bhabhi taught me fashion tips, how to wear a saree, how to walk in heels etc. But now, I have not seen her or even heard from her in 8 years. When we bumped into each other years back in Chennai, we just managed to smile and say 'hi'. Maybe we were both not mature to handle that situation, but that is how life works. |
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| | Dear Vidya, Thanx for writing in dear, Life shows us numerous experiences. We learn a lot from the exp of others. Let me share another ex with you . There is a Sil who was extremely caring and loving to her in laws and since hse did nt have parents of her own she was very content serving her inlaws. Now she became a victim of her husbands adultery. He asked her for divorce ince he wanted to continue with this other woman. My Sil was vry heartbroken. She was forced to leave her inlaws place. Her husband would listen to any reasoning by any of us, being blinded in love. MySIL left the place and the city soon after divorce. Her MIL i.e my Aunt couldnt bear it. She loved her DIL and suffered from deep depression and had to be hospitalised and died soon after, So you see sometimes the relation is so strong that just a piece of paper cannot break it ... Yes of course a lot does depend on the current scenerio between the spouses and in laws and then of course one can decide. But these days its not unheard of! God Bless, Devika |
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| |  Hi Devika Your post stuck a chord. I wish everybody would be as mature as you. In India where its so easy to just forget ones own duaghter and a grandchild, how can one expect to keep relation with the family. Personally speaking, I would have been bad, but my daughter was not, she was their blood, but one can't impose oneself on others, if they don't want to keep in touch. For them, its over and since the child is through the woman, so the child is also cutoff in most of the cases. But, then its boon in disguise, the child is not torn in two halves where he/she is constantly tutored by either side, that he or she was bad. It take a lot and lot of maturity on both sides to be able to maintain respect for each-other and normally that respect i snot there in most of the divorce cases |
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| | Hi Ansh, Thankyou so much for writing in . Youre quite right in India people still need to be more compassionate and deal more maturely. But i feel that the trend of keeping in touch is catching up comparatively and i know quite a few of them. Ansh I have to praise your efforts here and say that you have led your life commendably well and will def be a role model for your daughter. God Bless, Devika |
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| | hi friends, i had a friend ,he loves his spouse very much,for a small instance they were appied for divorce,then i meet my friend i asked about the situation ,he explained all the things with me . I asked with my friend and his spouse ,both of them have to live sepearte for a week not to communicate at all .they agreed but they were not able to maintain their promise and the last day they reliased their relation ship and dropped their plan of divorce . Dont give advice for these type of couples ,ask him to seperate for few weeks without any communication,they were not able to do that and they realise their truth. |
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| | Hi Sendhilkumar, Welcome to my blog. I agree with you from whatever i could devipher from your FB that though you tried, your friend and spouse were unable to be together. We are not discussing the couples here Sendhil but the families post Divorce.It is not essential to sever ties with those you have grown very close to through your marriage or is it?? Regards, Devika |
| Updated 25th May 2008 at 03:15 PM by Devika Menon |
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