Are you a little selfish?

Dear Chithraji,

I agree with you. What is the use of being humans when we cannot have something that pleases us? There would be no difference between us & a beast of burden.

Being women we are expected to be on "our toes" to keep everyone happy. But at what cost? Our happiness?

I was a person who once wanted to please everyone, even if it meant giving up a simple pleasure of giving up my free time to look for my in-laws. The result? They expected more & I became a door-mat.

The day I said no, there was a mini Kurukshetra at home. But I did not care. I had stood up for myself & that is what mattered.

People's attitude changed. They now respected me as an individual.

As a prominant historical figure said, "You cannot please everyone at all times." That is one of my fav lines...

Regards,

Corallux

Dearest Chithra,
I echo your thoughts once hundred percent! Could not agree more with you that making ourself happy is our own responsibility. Most of the time we feel unhappy or disappointed because we made someone else incharge of bringing happiness to us.
I am a firm believer in changing myself as per what I want in life and in taking charge of things in my life to the best possible extent. So even if I fail or am unhappy, I have full control over what my next course of action should be rather than waiting for some one come to my rescue. This also leaves little or no room for bitterness about others having missed my expectations.
I think this responsibility towards self is the highest form of responsibility one can ever take on. Because, if we are happy we rub off this happiness on most people around us. When we take charge of our happiness, we save others from the burden of being incharge of our well-being. When we feel capable of getting what we want for ourself, we indirectly expect less from others.
To me, this seems like the highest form of liberation for the self and for people around us.
SS

Good topic Ma'am as ususal.

At the end of the day the most important achievement is happiness and if one can derive happiness from something that is not jeopardising anything then one needs to grab it with both hands. No amount of money can buy you real happiness Its not for sale its all owned by us within us. The momentary pleasures are different but real happiness that sets your heart singing is a boon . And when one gets an opportunity one must not lose it. Yes happiness is within oneself but buried so deep below under the wishes of everyone around that if we decide to unburden ourselves and bit and let go off a few responsibilities and take time to do justice to the one life we have then i guess we can find the time to be happy, really really happy
Ofcourse i also believe that sometimes it gives us happiness to make others happy though one need not necessarily sacrifice ones own happiness to do so.
I remember the song we used to sing as children:
The time to be happy is now
And the place to be happy is here
And the way tobe happy is to make others happy
And we'll havea little heaven right here
Its all around us , all within us , the power to be happy but the recognition of it is important .We are so busy trying to wallow in the tiniest of sorrows that we miss gigantic opportunities to be happy.
Loved your post Ma'am and have eaten a lot of your space!

Love,
Your mol

by posting in a row, within an hour of my posting the blog.
I fully agree with your words.When I was part of a joint family, I realised that they only expected me to "adjust"( I crudely call it sacrifice), to whatever they did, they cooked etc....
I realised that somewhere, I started getting a wee bit suffocated.I was prepared to compromise on most of the aspects, but not at the point of my getting frustrated.Gradually, I realised that I had to make myself happy, but not at the cost of making others unhappy.I learnt many practical points in life in the 4 yrs, I lived with my in-laws.Ofcourse, I was called selfish on some occasions, but I made sure, I did not offend or hurt or disrespect them at all.Now, I think, all the blogs, I write are based on many life lessons, I learnt at that stage of my life.
Love,
Chithra.

dear chithra mam,

loved your blog..yes now with age i have known for sometime that it is ok to be happy as long as u have not made anyone else unhappy in the process...yes sometimes people may call u selfish but as long as the conscience is ok not to bother..thanks for affirming this belief...

Mindi

that
Nobody can make you happy except yourself!
Since it makes others feel that one is selfish by doing this, I selected this title!! Instead of reflecting our unhappy moods on others with words and actions, we can as well be "unhurtingly" selfish & radiate happiness.
It was quite after a few yrs of my married life that I realised that if I was going to wait for a change in my husband to make my life better, my waiting would never end. He is a loner and hates socialising. I love life, friends, active life etc. So, I just went ahead & enrolled myself in a few courses conducted part time for housewives. In the beginning, he was amused, but gradually fell in line with the thinking that I must keep myself happily occupied if our life has to be happy! Well my selfishness in pampering myself paid me rich dividends in the form of a contented married life!!
Love,
Chithra.

my discussing this topic with you is like the proverbial Carrying coal to Newcastle.
Don't worry, Devi, about occupying my space - this is our space!
Last night, I was listening on Sanskar TV, to a lecture by Swami Sukhabodananda - one of my favourites. I am just writing what he said.
However depressed and unhappy you are, once you go to deep sleep, you sleep so well (though, may be, for a short time even). When you wake up, you tell yourself that you really slept well & haappily.
That happiness came from your own self, from deep inside!
The irony is, many people do not like to admit that they slept happily for some time inspite of anxiety & worries. What hypocrisy!!
If you think, sleeping or listening to music, or any such activity makes you feel happy, go ahead & do it. Let others think, you are selfish in doing all these, when they are worrying in life, about life etc!!
Love,
Chithra.

I go with you, we should not be selfish to the point of hurting others, making them unhappy etc. Our selfishness has to be indulged upon only to make ourselves happy and that too, I would add, harmlessly.
Love,
Chithra.

Dear Mami,

A nice awakening post for the begining of the week.

Mami I agree with you 100%. Yes I am damn too selfish. For me my happiness also matters a lot. If I am not happy doin something I too vent it out. My question always is why should I live for somebody? Once when me and my mother were discussing on phone, she sounded very depressed and I was telling her why you are bothered about others and that she needs to lead a life of her own......... this created a big void in me and MIL's relationship. When I gave the same advice to my sil after her child's death and she not going back to her dh, she was upset. But I find ladies mostly think that by sacrificing they achieve a lot......... but to make others happy we should be happy first...is it not? These 12 yrs of me being a home maker has taught so many difficult lessons and one is this. Be little selfish to enjoy the small pleasures of life.

Before when dh and I used to go out, I never used to have anything outside if dh is not having but now if I feel like having a panipuri or juice........ don't bother whether he is going to join I will have the same.

My dear chitra,
A very thought provoking post.While I do agree that we owe it to ourselves to be happy and why should we bother about others and what they will think about us,in life it does not seem to be so easy.It is alright for one to do things that will make him or her happy but their pursuit of happiness in their lives should not bring unhappiness to others.
In a family,it is 90% the house wife whether she is the working woman or a full time home maker who has to keep aside her need to be happy even if it means peeping out of the window and getting herself lost in the beauty of the morning sun or the 'keech,keech 'voices of the lively school going children,yes,she has to forget that ,if she wants others to be happy.Life calls for tremendous sacrifices on the part of the woman and on this foundation is built the edifice of family.Do you think she is happy,not being able to satisfy herself with the simple pleasures of life,no,my dear friend that is how life has been and that is what life has been.But no regrets,ultimately you could make others happy and that brings you a smile on the face and no other happiness can equal that.
My dear chitra,I liked your thread and wrote whatever I felt genuinely about this thread.
lots of love
mithila kannan

Hi Chitra,

Very nice topic to talk of. 'Guilt' is usually the thing that would bother us to no end. Small things like delaying the childs meal by half an hour because you were caught with something 'more important' like meeting your long lost friend online after a long time, or 'demanding ' that your husband switch off watching his favourite program(well, fav program list maybe endless is a different question! :)) and spend more quality time with you etc etc ... can sometimes cause a bit of guilt and kind of hinder your real happiness. How to get over this guilt? is what I have always wondered...Then I realised that like you rightly said 'a little bit of selfishness' will reap benefits later. We manage to keep ourselves happy, and in turn we manage to keep people around us in high spirits too!

One Saturday, I left my hubby and kid to take care of each other and went out with my friend whom I was meeting afer 6 long years! I went out with her for lunch and came back only after dinner. Though everything was well taken care of, I did feel slightly guilty when I returned. Much to my amazement that my hubby and daughter had a rocking time at home with no mama to nag! :)), well we all had happy days to come!

Nice topic Chitra, thought provoking!

Purnima

Dear Chithu,Yes i agree gladly that if anyone calls me a little selfish - i dont bother for if it makes me happy, its okay.Not that i go about hurting people by making me happy.Its just like a Balance, until you do not over.under weigh its always okay.I totllay agree with you, the word "adjust" has no specific boundary limits.It can be strained to an extent of bursting at times!I learnt this lesson hard way in the first 7 months of my marriage itself!!So, from then on, no compromise or adjust if it does not make us happy - What say? Am I doing the right thing?

dear Chithra,
Seems to be this topic is very Hot! We women have been told that sacrifice is good for us, that is what will make us happy etc tec. So when we traet ourself or even meet an old friend and spend extra time, we feel guilty! I guess our upbringing is to be blamed here.
But like you and others have emphasised as long as fulfillment of our simple pleasures bring us happiness and does not hurt others, i guess it is okay!

This statement is very true.....
Nobody can make you happy except you yourself.
Yes it does sound that we are selfish, when we learn to ascertain something or do not fall in line with everyone else.....but instead of feeling unhappy by doing what we don't like, it is better to say NO politely....i guess in the long run, it is better for everyone!
I loved your reply where u started to go for classes when you realised that your DH is not the socialising kind! I am in the same boat and i realised that i am happiest when i am with people. So we too have made our boundaries and we try to respect each other's likes and dislikes! It does help to keep our marriage going smoothly na!
But great topic, for the beginning of the week!

Dear Chitra Ma'am,
The topic of the post made me visit your blog and I am thankful :)

I have been married for 3 year and have a 2 year old son ... the three years have passed in a jiffy and I am left wondering where I am and sometimes even wonder who I am? Need for identity and space often clash with need of the moment however... we have only one life and on our last day in this world we have to be able to claim that we have lived it :)!

And if that makes me a tad bit selfish occassionaly ... then so be it!

that is the main perspective which I wanted to bring in, here! We, women, always think, that by sacrificing our small, personal desires, we are achieving someting great.I would say, getting yourself an ice cream or a chat is a good selfish act.It does not hurt others, but satisfies you.
You are "done with" the craving!! But to be selfish in getting ourselves a costly diamond necklace, at the cost of creating a big dent in the family finance is unpardonable!
I can understand your mother's feelings because our generation ( I include myself here, Lali!) was brought up on the theory that self-denial is a virtue!!
Love,
Chithra.

in patches.Our times were different, because we were brought up on totally different values of life.My mother is 80+ now. When I see her enjoying some simple pleasures of life, like a child, I realise how different a person she was, when I was young and we were living in a joint family! I literally "snatch" words from Amma's mouth and I can make out that she wanted to do only things which Appa will approve of! She would not even cook at home what he did not like, leave alone cooking Kerala dishes which she liked because she came from Trivandrum.
I always tell Amma that she could have gone ahead in satisfying her small wishes, which Appa might not have objected to. But she says, she was more scared that she might look selfish in the eyes of Appa & his parents! I wonder whether all her sacrifices of her petty desires were worth, at all!!

But I fully go with you that in acting selfishly, we should not make our family or, for that matter, any friend, unhappy.We have no right to, as well.
I thank you profusely, Mithila, for visiting my blog and sharing your thoughts. Please stay tuned.
Love,
Chithra.

That, somewhere, you were feeling guilty over the things which you mentioned, surprises me. That is because, in present generation relationship between the spouses, there is more "give and take", more perhaps by mutual demand, than spontaneously! I am sure your husband would have understood that you too needed a break from your routine, particularly, when you were meeting an old time friend.Since the papa-dotty duo had a nice time, you can be "occasionally selfish" like this in future, with both their permissions!!
Love,
Chithra.

on the word " adjust" ! It is always interpreted according to one's thinking, what he or she likes to do. In my younger days, "adjusting" with in-laws meant "blind implicit obedience". One had no individual personality. It was submerged totally. But we paid a heavy price for it by sublimating all our small, petty desires, though we came out with a "good-dil" title!! Thank God, present days are different. Nobody wants to make others happy at the cost of sacrificing small wishes, but the modern generation knows how best they can go about their life, without making the elders unhappy - atleast that is what I wish!!
Love,
Chithu.

Dear Chitra mam(i)

Seriously I have started becoming selfish. I have been married for 4 years and all along I have been trying to please others to the greatest extent I could only to become a "komaali" infront of my relatives. They might have thought myself to be an open book and started giggling on each and everything I do. The saddest part is they dont reciprocate rather treated me the worst possible.

Now I decided that its not my job to please others and started living for myself. As you said I am enjoying my son's smile, cute little things etc etc and I care less now for people who are not kind enough to me.

After reading your post from such an experienced woman, being little selfish "thappillainnu thondradhu".. Thanx mam you washed away my guilt as well.

God should give you the best Health mam

Love
Lakshmi

Dear Chitra,

So true really, that we can make ourselves happy and no one else.What we think of ourselves matters moer than what others think of us.

My reasoning is this “ If u tell me that I am richer than Bill Gates, I don’t become rich, if u tell me I am worse than a pig, I don’t become that.I will always remain Kamal.It depends on the other’s perspective and needs.If he needs something from me, then I am Bill Gates, and if he hates me for something, then I am a pig.HAHA.

So I don’t pay any heed to anyone’s words.And I remain happy being kamal, as I am, warts and all.

You know Chitrhra yr writings are so good, they could be published in The Sacred Space of Times of India, and they would be a big hit.i am a big fan of Sacred Space, though people think kamalji must be a reader of naughty books.I like these things about life, and u write so clearly and so well.Harsha, my wife too loved this one, and thanks on her behalf to u.

And I have so many more to read oof yrs.I will do slowly, so I have something to look forward every morning.Regards.kamal