Silence outside, but violence inside !
Posted 14th September 2008 at 11:17 PM by Chitvish
Friends, does the title startle you?
By violence inside, I mean, the state of mind of a person who is mentally tortured or emotionally abused. The difference between physical and mental torture is, in the former, people recognise it, but in the latter it is suppressed very often by the sufferer, more often unknowingly.
Let us take the instance of a woman. Her husband is likely to be very well employed and enjoys a high status at work along with all the paraphernalia that accompany it. Sometimes he is not able leave the "aura" of the working place at home and tortures the wife sadistically, if she is less qualified academically or is not able to match the expectations of her husband socially.
There can be many other reasons also. Very often, in Indian society, a boy's growth is governed by male superiority and his views are more patriarchal. Here, certain social, psycho-social and economical issues are also involved.
If the woman suffers sexual or domestic violence, it gets more publicity. It is sad that many women suffer emotional abuse silently. This is not visible and hence not detectable or identifiable to the others.
A strategy of silence and non-communication is also a form of violence! The victim suffers, but not able to voice it to a third party. This is a common occurrence in quite a few families. It is deeply ingrained in Indian woman that she has to compromise for her marriage to work out. She gets used to shouting and screaming and accepts that it is not torture. But by silence and non-communication, she begins to feel that she is lacking and unworthy. This affects her self-esteem very much. Nobody realises what she undergoes because there is no visible violence.
Her mental torture is a complex, painful and unrecognised form of abuse. This unidentified stress leads to many physical ailments like high blood pressure, thyroid problems and peptic ulcer. Migraine very often is the negative effect of mental stress.
When the investigations reveal normal results, very often they themselves are unable to link the cause of their sickness to mental stress or neglect.
How does a woman deal with it?
She needs to choose her own strategy to get over it. It is important to recognise and define the frustrations caused by the lack of this communication. To a certain extent, economic independence enhances a woman's decision-making capacity.
Many equations starts changing with economic independence.
The most important thing is, she must attach maximum importance to her own individuality or existence. She must learn to build her own space, acknowledge her control over herself and not be bothered forever about her husband's moods and expressions. Things will slowly start improving. She has to start exhibiting the courage to come out of "mental harassment". She has to learn to nurture the lost self-respect and existence. She must share her feelings with trusted people who can help. Emotional independence must overrule the traditional household mask and confrontation is often a must.
She has to realise her own worth, better late than never. Then, there is no looking back for her.
Love,
Chithra.
By violence inside, I mean, the state of mind of a person who is mentally tortured or emotionally abused. The difference between physical and mental torture is, in the former, people recognise it, but in the latter it is suppressed very often by the sufferer, more often unknowingly.
Let us take the instance of a woman. Her husband is likely to be very well employed and enjoys a high status at work along with all the paraphernalia that accompany it. Sometimes he is not able leave the "aura" of the working place at home and tortures the wife sadistically, if she is less qualified academically or is not able to match the expectations of her husband socially.
There can be many other reasons also. Very often, in Indian society, a boy's growth is governed by male superiority and his views are more patriarchal. Here, certain social, psycho-social and economical issues are also involved.
If the woman suffers sexual or domestic violence, it gets more publicity. It is sad that many women suffer emotional abuse silently. This is not visible and hence not detectable or identifiable to the others.
A strategy of silence and non-communication is also a form of violence! The victim suffers, but not able to voice it to a third party. This is a common occurrence in quite a few families. It is deeply ingrained in Indian woman that she has to compromise for her marriage to work out. She gets used to shouting and screaming and accepts that it is not torture. But by silence and non-communication, she begins to feel that she is lacking and unworthy. This affects her self-esteem very much. Nobody realises what she undergoes because there is no visible violence.
Her mental torture is a complex, painful and unrecognised form of abuse. This unidentified stress leads to many physical ailments like high blood pressure, thyroid problems and peptic ulcer. Migraine very often is the negative effect of mental stress.
When the investigations reveal normal results, very often they themselves are unable to link the cause of their sickness to mental stress or neglect.
How does a woman deal with it?
She needs to choose her own strategy to get over it. It is important to recognise and define the frustrations caused by the lack of this communication. To a certain extent, economic independence enhances a woman's decision-making capacity.
Many equations starts changing with economic independence.
The most important thing is, she must attach maximum importance to her own individuality or existence. She must learn to build her own space, acknowledge her control over herself and not be bothered forever about her husband's moods and expressions. Things will slowly start improving. She has to start exhibiting the courage to come out of "mental harassment". She has to learn to nurture the lost self-respect and existence. She must share her feelings with trusted people who can help. Emotional independence must overrule the traditional household mask and confrontation is often a must.
She has to realise her own worth, better late than never. Then, there is no looking back for her.
Love,
Chithra.
Total Comments 38
Comments
 |  Dear Chith ma'm, Hats off to you ma'm for bringing up this topic, and I fully agree with you. Women are mostly taken for granted whatever her qualification or skills are. We have to realise our importance and develop a self respect, then only others will allso do so..and true that economic independence can change the equations. I do not have much to add, you ahve said it all ma'm..and you always bring up relevant topics. With lots of love Indu |
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| |  Dear Indu, thanks for flagging off the FB trail! I feel very sad, when even my educated friends go through this & that is what prompted me to write this! Love, Chithra. |
| Updated 15th September 2008 at 12:09 AM by Chitvish |
| |  A Dormant volcano.Dear Chithraji, Yes, the title did startle me at first. But it is so apt. Women & men who suffer abuse from their spouses are made to feel inferior. If a woman is earning more than her hubby then God help her. She is put under a microscope and each & every action commented upon. Many a time, we come across people who are convicted for crimes. The common re action is," Oh! He/She was so docile." Yes, it is the same "quiet" person who turns to crime. A raging dormant volcano is what I would describe such a person. All that person needs is a slight excuse to explode. Indian society does not allow women to stand up for herself. She is put on a pedestal & deified as a goddess. She is not heard. Times are changing. Women are now more educated. They have law on their side & know the power of numbers. They know how to safeguard themselves. Unfortunately, some have used these facilities for their selfish motives. Independence on both economic & spiritual level is what will set her free. From ages, she is shackled in the name of rituals. Once she breaks free, she is more powerful than a thousand nuclear bombs put together. Chithraji, this blog is an eyopener to all women. The ones who are lucky to have economic independence should not take it for granted. The ones who feel inferior should know they have the potential to touch the sky. Regards, Corallux |
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| | Lux Baby, have I helped the volcanoerupt? Well, I wanted to. This "sati savitri", "Bharathiya nari" images are all so glorified in Indian society that we really get carried away by them or perhaps others expect them of us! I frankly shock people by mentioning that I am an individual Chithra first & then only a wife. Ofcourse, I am a no non-sense person, inspite of my age & that is why I decided to bring this topic at all! Your FB is excellent, Lux. Love, Chithra. |
| Updated 15th September 2008 at 12:34 AM by Chitvish |
| |  Dar Chithra Its great. you have written about what people hesitate to talk about.there need not be physical violence, but the emotional violence is more,most women bear with this.People don't have the sensitivity to understand her pain & stress she's undergoing. good that you wrote about this. "How does a woman deal with it?" this is going to be my thaaraga mandhiram from this moment hats off Chithra Love Manju |
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| |  How can you Do this????.....Dear Chitvish, How can you do this... I was in a dilema... whether to reply to this blog or just leave it... But since it was Chitvish, I knew, I can take the liberty and express my opinion... else, would have skipped it... It is like the Umpire also joining one side of the team... You have summed up that ladies are the only silent sufferers... I dont understand what made you to think so... Days have changed... Situations have drastically changed... In todays world, men also go through the same tension, uncertainity and all insecurities... The laws of the land has been amended that men are made scapegoats most of the time... I am not saying that all men are absolutely good and there is no bad apple... But at the same time I want to emphasise that all men are not Bad... I can quote so many examples from my friends circle... It is not women alone go through this internal turmoil... Men also go through the same... The difference is that Men go out to work... so their attention gets diverted... So he is able to relax himself... That is the main difference... I would like to point out that it is the men in most of the cases land in internal turmoil, as he could not express himself... Hahahahahahahahaha.... I have expressed my views... If I have said something wrong please feel free to remove the FB... If you feel that there is some truth in my arguments then let me know... so that I can come with more points... Hahahahahahahaha... Now I will go into  ..Veda |
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| | Dear Manju, people do not hesitate to talk about physical violence, but somehow feel "inadequate" to admit emotional violence. Perhaps, they think, society will view them, with a prejudice because the thinking in our Indian society runs on the lines of Kallanalum kaNavan Pullanalum purushan It is hightime, we women, start attaching more importance to our own feelings, rather than go about like a martyr. At what cost? Life is not worth it, at that rate. If my post has given you hope to think in the right direction, I cannot ask for anything more, Manju. Love, Chithra. |
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| | Dear Veda, I am very happy that you came here and presented the otherside of the picture. Do not ever think that I am a FCP (if there is such a term like MCP) or a staunch feminist. No, I am more human than being a woman. I am not a  person for you to have any apprehensions about your post. I fully go with you - V has a friend who goes through what you have written. But, strangely, he is such a soft-spoken man that he would rather go through "hell" than raise a fury.  is common for every couple (yours truly included! ).But emotional violence completely changes the personality in a sad way.Now, I stand corrected, Veda, that men should also come out in the open and talk to the wife that she better "learn to conduct" herself. Either spuose has no business to hurt the ego of the other- better half or bitter half.  is what one should have for the other, unconditionally, once married - I have no second opinion.Love, Chithra. |
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| |  Thought provoking!Dear Chitra, It is a very beautifully brought out topic by you. I agree with each and every word of what you say. But i Just cannot help agreeing with Vedas views . Men these days are more adjusting than women in most of the cases. Yes, but the fact that they have their bouts of silence on and off, doesnt make them evil in any way. I know quite of a few ladies in my friends circle, who are so career minded that sometimes their husbands are forced to leave their jobs and take care of the children at home! But me being a woman myself, I can totally emphathise the various situtations and roles the women have to play in their daily lives and if they land up with a non cooperative husband, the wreakage caused to them could be much more disatrous as compared to that of men , in most cases. Good article, thought provoking! Purni |
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| |  Chithu, Super blog! Title was best!Well,i also have similar opinions like Veda. I truly agree with you on the mental abuse and torture that women face(d).But,there a men too who suffer these things due to the misuse of the Women Liberalization.It has become the common thing in the younger generations (feel, so gulity to say this).Girls of today are pampered,given best education etc... just to think they are super power and can over power the men.But, they fail to understand that Life is a bond&trust created between man and women! The sufferings of Men are not so visible at all for they dont speak out and opt other means which is equally bad too. Chithu - just my opinion...i have enough and more examples in my friends and junior circle  |
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| | Welcome here, Purni, with your share of thoughts. With advancing financial independence, the equations are likely to change, but not in a negative way to either spouse! Both spouses, irrespective of the gender, should comprmise to make a success of the marriage.It is sad that women think they are some special "creatures" if they are successful professionally.The domestic harmony is the ultimate in life, as our aim. Love, Chithra. |
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| | Dear Aishu, I seem to have stirred up...... a hornet's nest. If girls of your age are going to behave like this, God save our society! I really wonder, what girls learn by higher education, affluent bringing up, being pampered to be spoilt etc. Ultimately if they cannot make a success of the commitment in a marriage, what does their exposure mean at all? Yes, I am aware that this is a recent trend, but the enormity seems to be larger than what I thought, in real life. Love, Chithra. |
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| |  Dearest Mami, SW kitterndhu super blog. You have spoken on my dear subject. This is one subject i can go on   .I cannot understand one thing with women, they allow others to treat them as a doormat. They are also human being with self respect, desires and thinking. Why cannot they say that openly. If people call it blasphemy also, no problem. We should stand for ourselves first. I feel the major problem is bringing up of the girl child, they are not allowed to speak openly, should not laugh loudly, should not speak back and the list goes on. The restrictions for her is so stiffling. The girl is brought up in a cocoon like kannathu thavalai with no or less self confidence. Atleast, i feel now the present trend is changing slightly. Unless the concerned female stands upto herself nothing can be helped. |
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| | Dear Lali, you are all placing a very heavy.....responsiblity on me with your SW title. Please, poor me, spare me!!  Boy or girl, the same right values must be instilled from childhood. In the land of Bharathiar's Pudumai PeN, we cannot take the girl child for granted and give preference to boys. But from the previous FBs, I wonder, what is happening now??  Not a good turn of trend!! Love, Chithra. |
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| |  Chithumma, My dear Adharsha Mangai, It is a very significant thought. The sad part is well-educated, well-exposed women are no exception to this theory, too. I believe, it is an inbuilt problem. It is sustrative in the way they are brought up. The parents and the society never let any girl go for revolutions. Revolutions apart, claiming their basic rights itself is a question. It is very much reversible, though; lies in the hands of women themselves. Love, Your Picturesque. |
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| |  As usual a mind blowing write up!Well said about the results of mental abuse. It is proven that due to undue stress, the hormones secretion related to brain , gets jumbled up resulting in all hormonal imbalance. The social stigma about, '''whatever the husband does, you must be a good and adjustable wife' will change soon, I believe. Many of the stigmatising people do not understand that mental abuse is far more worse than physical abuse. As you mentioned, educational/finanancial independence definitely plays a major role for women either to stay in the rut or climb up.  ! |
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| | Dear Ms Picturesque, in the present day world... parents have a greater resposibility in bringing up children, than our generation had.We must teach the children to be assertive, without being rude or blunt. They must be taught to respect every individual's opinion, but at the same time standing firm on one's own ground.I am not in favour of the world "revolution" ever - we should do things, the right, subtle, effective way without being authoritative. I tell myself that I am my own spokeswoman! Love, Chithu. |
| Updated 15th September 2008 at 08:51 AM by Chitvish |
| | Dear Vijee, yes, one's mind gets totally and emotionally battered as a result of emotional abuse. It needs a bold thinking to learn to stand up, review things and decide how best to go about things and life in general. I would never advise a woman to go through life, being an unhappy wife. A happy woman status is more important and the child learns a lot from the mother. Love, Chithra. |
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| | Dear Chithra This post has brought tears to my eyes. My dear mom, till date, suffers from this every day from many people in our family, especially her in-laws' side, just because she is soft by nature and cannot speak up. I am very worried about her and have told her that she should speak up instead of stressing herself by silently bearing it every single time. But she always says that she is not used to retorting and after so many years of marriage, it is too late to change the situation. I am unable to write more now...as I am crying. Love Pavithra |
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| |  truedear chitra very true , i know a lady, who has got thyroid, her family does not let her live and even speak out as she wishes. now she has very little urge to do much. i have tried to hlep her a lot ..giving her reiki when she is unwell but how long the outsiders can help,, she is so talented that i'd put her on a pedestal when i was young, she brought out my talents when ever she could. today she needs others. she's working but the money never is wth her. one can say she has finally taken it as her fate as she now seeems reconciled. i feel bad for her. i'd say when a wman gets married she is silent lest smebody says that her parents did not bring her up well.. later she has kids and then its for them as she fels who will look after them.. later than that..shes old and needs looking after. darwinism at its best'survival of the fightest'  |
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