Keeping them happy, but at what cost?
Posted 7th September 2008 at 11:00 PM by Chitvish
The average age of ILites being (I presume) 30-40, there are many threads and blogs on Mils and FILs. So, I decided to write on what will suit my age – about SIL(Son-in-law) and DIL (Daughter-in-law).
Let me start with a statutory warning, to be on the safer side! I have one of each and this blog does not refer to either of them. This is all about my friends’ SILs and DILs.
The first category first.
Arun’s FIL got his daughter married to him in pomp, style and show. It was more because his FIL was very well employed and this gave him an opportunity to host all his relatives and friends. But Arun thinks, it was his merit which deserved all this and has very little respect for his FIL now, sadly! When his parents are in town, he forgets the very existence of his in-laws. But when they go abroad, he insists his in-laws should go and stay with him and their daughter. His FIL, sneers, saying it looks like some clandestine arrangement!! He hardly entertains them by taking out anywhere; but orders his MIL over the phone to send his favourite dishes through the driver. His FIL is our friend. Last week Arun bought a brand new Honda City and proudly went to his FIL’s house, more to “show off”. Our friend says, to please his daughter and SIL, he went round the car (like a pradakshinam?) , tapped at a few places as though admiring it and pronounced a verdict that his SIL’s taste is incomparable when it comes to luxury things. Arun did not even offer them a drive for a short distance!
Arun makes it clear that his family means his wife and children. His parents come under his extended family! But in-laws do not fall in any of his family category, sadly!!
Now about my friend Meena’s Dil, Rani. A lovely girl, very well educated and comes from a very good family.
At the wedding, Meena was telling everybody that she had acquired another daughter besides her own, Rita. I did not want to warn Meena that she was going overboard in her excitement of getting a DIL.
Friends, I personally feel, at best a MIL can be a very good friend to the DIL, but never replace a biological mother.
A month after the wedding, Meena and her husband decided to go in for a twin flat. They were mentioning it casually to their son in course of a conversation. Rani was not around, it so happened. Well on hearing this news from her husband, she lodged a big complaint that her in-laws purposely isolated her when this decision was taken, because they did not consider her as part of the family. She insisted that she and her husband must start an independent living away from her in-laws, who did not respect her. That Meena was shattered is an understatement.
Of late, I find that most of my friends are forever doing a “Balancing act” with their SILs and DILs. House keeping, baby-sitting are all expected more of them, as their duty, rather as matter of fact, than as a privilege. A few of my friends regularly go abroad six months every year to do those jobs, to be supportive of their working children. They are partially robbed of the leisure and pleasure of their twilight days of life, in their own houses. They are more anxious that they will be mistaken as indifferent, if they refuse to oblige. So, life goes on, more mundane for them, much against their dreams of a happy, relaxed, leisurely retired life, in their own town of choice!
Shunting between not only cities, but continents, makes them feel dislocated at a late age. It is not easy for everybody to adjust to the life style in an alien country. One misses her or his own home, visits to the temple and religious discourses, meeting friend and relatives. Sadly, a friend of mine says, she feels fettered in a golden cage!!
But, she dare not displease her children. I can understand her plight very well.
We want to please our SILs and DILs, undoubtedly – but sometimes the cost we have to pay is very dear to us!!
Love,
Chithra.
Let me start with a statutory warning, to be on the safer side! I have one of each and this blog does not refer to either of them. This is all about my friends’ SILs and DILs.
The first category first.
Arun’s FIL got his daughter married to him in pomp, style and show. It was more because his FIL was very well employed and this gave him an opportunity to host all his relatives and friends. But Arun thinks, it was his merit which deserved all this and has very little respect for his FIL now, sadly! When his parents are in town, he forgets the very existence of his in-laws. But when they go abroad, he insists his in-laws should go and stay with him and their daughter. His FIL, sneers, saying it looks like some clandestine arrangement!! He hardly entertains them by taking out anywhere; but orders his MIL over the phone to send his favourite dishes through the driver. His FIL is our friend. Last week Arun bought a brand new Honda City and proudly went to his FIL’s house, more to “show off”. Our friend says, to please his daughter and SIL, he went round the car (like a pradakshinam?) , tapped at a few places as though admiring it and pronounced a verdict that his SIL’s taste is incomparable when it comes to luxury things. Arun did not even offer them a drive for a short distance!
Arun makes it clear that his family means his wife and children. His parents come under his extended family! But in-laws do not fall in any of his family category, sadly!!
Now about my friend Meena’s Dil, Rani. A lovely girl, very well educated and comes from a very good family.
At the wedding, Meena was telling everybody that she had acquired another daughter besides her own, Rita. I did not want to warn Meena that she was going overboard in her excitement of getting a DIL.
Friends, I personally feel, at best a MIL can be a very good friend to the DIL, but never replace a biological mother.
A month after the wedding, Meena and her husband decided to go in for a twin flat. They were mentioning it casually to their son in course of a conversation. Rani was not around, it so happened. Well on hearing this news from her husband, she lodged a big complaint that her in-laws purposely isolated her when this decision was taken, because they did not consider her as part of the family. She insisted that she and her husband must start an independent living away from her in-laws, who did not respect her. That Meena was shattered is an understatement.
Of late, I find that most of my friends are forever doing a “Balancing act” with their SILs and DILs. House keeping, baby-sitting are all expected more of them, as their duty, rather as matter of fact, than as a privilege. A few of my friends regularly go abroad six months every year to do those jobs, to be supportive of their working children. They are partially robbed of the leisure and pleasure of their twilight days of life, in their own houses. They are more anxious that they will be mistaken as indifferent, if they refuse to oblige. So, life goes on, more mundane for them, much against their dreams of a happy, relaxed, leisurely retired life, in their own town of choice!
Shunting between not only cities, but continents, makes them feel dislocated at a late age. It is not easy for everybody to adjust to the life style in an alien country. One misses her or his own home, visits to the temple and religious discourses, meeting friend and relatives. Sadly, a friend of mine says, she feels fettered in a golden cage!!
But, she dare not displease her children. I can understand her plight very well.
We want to please our SILs and DILs, undoubtedly – but sometimes the cost we have to pay is very dear to us!!
Love,
Chithra.
Total Comments 46
Comments
 |  Dear Chithra Ma'am, A nice topic to ponder on. I have also witnessed lot of in laws at the sunset of their lives still trying to fulfil their responsibilities albeit a little hesitantly because probably they really would rather fulfil their left over desires at an hour when they know there isnt that much time left. But not just parents in law I have seen parents too caught in this web of family work that never ceases. Like a wise old aunt of mine told me "This work will accompany me to the grave". Which means obviously that she is expected to continue the caretaking jobs till her last breath. Sad but true but then again children depend on the parents to help. But I guess a little concern here would relieve the parents of this responsibility that can neither be spat out nor swallowed. I guess parents in law are a very important part of our existence as important as our own becuse if we think that our parents have been responsible for us then our parents in law have been responsible for our spouses life and well being .So just the fact that we have the best spouse in the world thanks to the effort put in by our parents in law might probably help us see things differently. And one very important fact to understand is someday we too shall be there, is this how we would wish to be treated?? Let them enjoy their twilight years after all there is so little time left and so many desires to fulfil . Release them from this web and set them free. Nice topic Ma'am. Makes one introspective . Love, Your Mol |
  Updated 8th September 2008 at 12:13 AM by Devika Menon |
| |  Retirement will be a thing of past.Dear Chithraji, When I came to Oz, I saw many Indian Grandparents strolling along with prams. They looked anything but happy. Torn from their roots, re settled in an alien land, they looked so sad. On enquires, I realised they were the un-paid baby sitters. I have seen in my family where the mother is asked to stay for 6 months & the MIL for another 6 months. This is to ensure that the "Kid" gets cared for by "our" people. Gone are the days when people retired & looked forward to Tirth Yatras, Bhajans, walks in the morning & evening etc. Now it is the added responsibility of looking after the the grand kids. Mostly the fear is that they will be asked to fend for themselves in their twilight years. A dangerous norm that may soon become a trend. Regards, Corallux |
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| |  Dear Mole, I did hesitate to write on thistopic in IL where the DILs are a majority. But I needed to express myself though I am not a victim, myself. A friend of mine reluctantly left in June for the US to take care of her grandchildren when her daughter & SIL would have to go for work, tii Sep. Her husband flatly refused to accompany her because he feels ill at ease, outside his place. It is sad that the older generation is taken for granted in the present set up of life. Your aunt's words are 200 % correct!For our generation, particularly women, there is no "retirement" at all, sadly! Love, Chithra. |
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| | Lux, you make me think of my elderly friendwho is compelled to go and stay with her son in Sydney for 6 months, once in 2 yrs. Her daghter lives in Dubai & she lives here, widowed, on her own. She has no hassel staying alone, but her son feels guilty about it. Hence this arrangement! She literally weeps that she is asked to come there.Her DIL is a Punjabi & so she says, she feels bad to talk to her own son in tamil there lest her DIL feels leftout. Her DIL, now son, children are all non-vegetarians & she feels tereribly stifled to share the kitchen. To each, her or his own house is heaven & more & more as age advances! Love, Chithra. |
| Updated 8th September 2008 at 06:57 AM by Chitvish |
| |  Chithmam, a very sensitive topic indeed......I don't want to get involved in the controversy as you say.  , but could not stop coming here, as I have been observing lot of this balancing act...There is a dil who wanted the mil to take care of her daughter, as she is a working lady, the day the daughter could take care of herself, the mil was packed off to a old age home.... There are lot of baby sitters, who go around, not really happy, but not wanting their children to be unhappy... It is not just parents in law but also parents caught in the web. if only the children, think of making life more happy for their parents in their twilight, without burdening them, their blessings (ofcourse that is always going to be there), the umbrella of their experience, and love to the kids is the children's forever to cherish... |
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| | Shan, I fully go with you in that I do not want to getinvolved in a controversy!! Believe me this morning, I was advising a friend - remember, when you go to your son's house, don't take liberties thinking, after all it is my son's house. Remember you are a guest in your DIL's house & you will find your level. I strongly agree the our generation must know, where to draw a line, but at the same time the younger generation must also know that we do want to enjoy our twilight years, the way, we like. The views for this thread are 80, but only 3 FBs - that shows it all! Perhaps, I should not have posted a sensitive issue?? Love, Chithra. |
| Updated 8th September 2008 at 08:14 AM by Chitvish |
| | a very apt topic for the current scenario. The most frustrating part for the parents is the daughters taking advantage of their situation. DIL is understood that they behave strange...but when daughters do so..... These days we see lots of parents opting to be on their own rather than depending on thier children as then get bogged down by responsibilities and also sometimes live as strangers in their own house. Parents find it very discomforting when they have to go abroad and take care of the kids...they are at tenterhooks...can't go anywhere on thier own, the unfriendly weather, strange surroundings in some remote areas etc. We have a couple in our society whose sons are in S'pore, and they refuse to come back to India even though the parents are pleading them as now they don't keep good health. Sometimes the husband is in hospital for days together and the wife manages everything single handedly and refuses to take help from any neighbours or other members of the society. She feels its the duty of her children to take care of them and not of others who are willing to help them as each and everyone has their own problems to attend. We all marvel at her determination. |
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| | Dear Roopa, let me share my thoughts, here!Daughters, in fact, take liberty and make demands of the parents, which the parents are not ale to meet. Some parents feel embarassed with the SIL around; in our society even talking to SIL is not done by many women. Staying in the daughter's house can only be by a mutual option & convenience; not for one's benefit alone. Our generation is really going through this problem, now a days! Love, Chithra. |
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| |  Chithu, not a controversial topic at all.This is happening everywhere and no wrong in writing it! Happened in my family too recently.My Periappa and periamma had gone to US to take care of their grandson(daughters').But, unable to cope up with the drastic changes, my periappa came back almost like a patient within a month.He was disturbed totally.Best part, as you told....they were forced to do baby sitting rather than doing it as pleasure. Superb blog, right on nail! You Rock! |
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| | Oh Aish! I did not want to intentionally hit the nail on the head!! Yes, I wrote this more with people like your Periyappa in my mind. Adjusting to life in alien country suits youngsters, but not old people. Some children give connection to Sun TV & think, they have done their best to keep the parents engaged! Ofcourse, there are a few who love that stay also, can't help saying!! But for people like me, it wil be a punishment !  Love, Chithra. |
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| |  Multiple layers !Dear Aunty, It is indeed a controversial topic ! But a much needed one. Apart from giving respect to inlaws, one should learn to treat their own parents with grace and dignity first. But the parents are always the one to be 'taken for granted' ! This is indeed a very sorry state of affairs. As you rightly pointed out, some men forget their inlaws, giving priority to their own parents. So, do the women have to forget their parents once they are married? Even when priorities change for ladies, the feelings/affection remains the same, if not much more ! Now, to the topic of parents/inlaws coming abroad. Suprisingly, there are many sides to this coin. (1) - parents/inlaws who come as unpaid baby sitters and do their duty even if they are not able to adjust to the new surroundings. (2)- parents/inlaws who are still unpaid baby sitters but simply enjoy/love it here. They are aware of being used, but like it anyway ! (3)- parents/inlaws who simply adore this new place and will not want to leave even after their duration of stay. These people would love to stay here indefinitely (not bothering whether it is going to convenient or otherwise for the couple) (4)- parents/inlaws who embrace the new life and are welcomed with open arms by their SIL's/DIL's !! This has happened in quite a few cases aunty (believe me) and I've personally seen these people genuinely happy. And no, they do not sport a happy mask to satisfy others. There are more permutations/combinations than the above 4 mentioned. It is quite complicated ! In a nutshell, this pattern cannot be generalised irrespective of whether we live in India or abroad. Many working/non-working couples residing in India, do expect their inlaws/parents to help them out. Living in one's own city may make things easier. But, the physical and mental strain remains the same. The same dilemma, fluctuation,mood,ego, temper and burden all come into the picture irrespective of whether we are here or abroad. My 2 cents aunty, there should be perfect understanding and communication between the couple (working or not) and the inlaws/parents. That way, there will be no room for disappointments and misunderstanding later. Sorry for the long post aunty. I had wanted to write a blog on this topic some time back but was in two minds. But now got the opportunity to ramble in yours ! :) Thanks for taking time to read this aunty ! Regards Krithika |
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| | My dearest Chithu, I had to write an FB immediately after reading your blog lest you may think that such topics are off-limits in IL due to the higher no. of DILs here! Not at all. We want to hear and know what our elders think and more importantly where we might be going wrong. I totally agree with you about the misuse of parents and parent’s in-laws. I too have seen many cases like the one mentioned. I am totally against using parents or in-laws as care-takers. On the other hand I love for them to stay with me because they like to spend time their grandkids (GKs) and the GKs love their company. Fortunately I have seen the good cases too where parents, in fact, look forward to being with their kids in a foreign country simply because the kids do not burden the parents with care-taker responsibilities but want the parents to do things they never did in their life. I think if the kids make good money, they should invest in getting a nanny for doing the chores while GPs are free to stay as much time as they want and really do the stuff they enjoy doing with the GKs. Why burden them with cooking and care-taker responsibilities? I think the value of GPs is grossly under-estimated. I firmly believe that even if I had all the time in the world, I could never replace what a GP would do for my kid. That love, that affection, the teachings the GPs provide are irreplaceable and priceless. Also, the lovely memories the GKs and GPs will have for later are priceless for both sides. I want my kids to share a loving bond with their GPs. I want my kids to feel close to their GPs. For this to happen, they both need to spend quality time with each other. That is always my goal when my parents or in-laws visit. They are free to go about meeting other relatives who live here and we plan for them to travel to places while they are still in good health. I show no dependency on them as far as taking care of the kids is concerned. They have the freedom but no responsibility from my side. In fact my parents really look forward to being here because all their GKs are here. Last time when they were here (they stayed here for a year moving between me and my other two siblings), Mummy made scrapbooks for all her GKs showcasing her varied talents. Mummy loves fine arts – embroidery, crochet, drawing, crafts, music, playing instruments, you name it and she does it. But somehow after all of us got married and left home she never found the incentive to continue her works so much. Now with GKs demanding her talents she has again dived into what she loves to do. She has found that incentive to do it - something that she was missing earlier. I was very happy to see that. Daddy on the other hand is a hardcore practical man with a lot of wisdom. He loves discussing topics ranging from spirituality to nuclear science. He has been a voracious reader all his life. So he recorded some 80+ stories for his GKs – stories ranging from mythological to anything that he had read and that he thought would be useful for the GKs. In fact I am myself learning so much by listening to his CDs! I think what the younger generation needs to learn is to stop using parents and in-laws as care-takers or simply as help to ease their hectic lifestyle. To my dismay I have seen people unwilling to spend the money to hire help when parents are around simply because the parents can help out. It is unacceptable. If one can afford and if one has the resources why would they want to subject their parents to this torture? Pay attention to how the GPs want to use their title. Don’t just thrust them with things “you” think they must do. Let them decide their pace, their level of involvement and what kind of involvement they want. But at the same time, don’t keep distance from them just for the fear of “using” them. Thanks Chithu for writing this. I know your blog is going to make the younger generation think about this extremely important aspect. Please do not think that we might not appreciate it because we are on the “other” side of the equation. We need this kind of candid and free-flowing exchange of thoughts. Simply loved your blog Chithu! (as you can see from the long drawn FB!). Luv, SS |
| Updated 8th September 2008 at 08:52 AM by SoaringSpirit |
| | Krirths, you have analysed so beautifully and rightly too!I have a cousin & her husband, both 80+, who love their trips abroad every year. All their 3 sons are doing extremely well & the parents just have to go and bask in the luxury. But my cousin says, in spite of all that, she waits for her return to HER OWN HOUSE! You cannot disagree on that point. Once the joint family system has become extinct, we parents also have started thinking on the lines of "WE TWO"! In many cases it is thus: The children do require the services of parents atleast for moral support to their kids (leave alone baby-sitting), when they both go to work. But the parents have reached a stage when they are physically slowing down and do not want to be bogged down by responsibilities. I think, with more children becoming NRIs, these are the maladies of today's life with typically two sides of the coin! Love, Chithra. |
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| |  Dear Chithra ma'am, This is the present scenario eveywhere.There has been a thread also in IL about this with lots of inputs.Its sad though to see elderly people looking after newborn/infant/toddlers inspite of their health conditions.But sometimes I feel "now or never"..i.e.Once couple decide to have kids in abroad parents and in-laws want to be with them for delivery.If they do not want to take the burden of travelling and helping then they can never be associated with the GC who may visit 3-4 years later.So they grab the oppurtunity.same applies to others age group of children too. There are few people who pack of kids alone(1 year and above) to India to spend time..this is happening more now..The kid will come after a year or so..much more easy for the parents to handle-potty trained,self-feed and more.. I have no experience on any of these though..I am SAHM..so my parents and ILs do not have to worry..  |
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| | My dearest SS, you & Jithiks have echoed similar sentimentsthough living abroad. My only thinking is, it is best left to the discretion of the parents or parents-in-law, to decide. There are daughters & DILs like you, who want the children to be pampered by the affection of the grandchildren - I have experienced myself the influence of grandparents in the child's life,both from the receiving end & giving end. So long as the change of weather etc agrees with them & they feel wanted, it is fine. But the children should give them the freedom to come back or stay for some more time, if they feel like it. The problem that I see is this - many youngsters have not established themselves financially well enough to hire maid, nanny etc.They need help during delivery. My own SIL who went there for her daughter's delivery swore, she will never go back there for her next delivery! Not because, her daughter had any problem with her, but she felt, she had limitations in all spheres to help, after the delivery. She was repeatedly telling me that the personal touch was missing between the doctor and patient! We have that in plenty here because our gynaec becomes our friend & more our Amma's friend!! But I feel happy to read how much your family & your parents mutually enjoy & benefit when they come over there.Very nice to read your FB, knowing your genuine concern that we MILs should not generalise!! Let me frankly tell you why I started this thread - there was a complaint here, 2-3 yrs back, which ran thus - My MIL is here to look after & babysit my twins because I am a working woman. But as soon as I return home from office, she hands over the babies to me & goes for a walk for one hour, comes back & makes just minimum rice or roti & curry! This shocked me no end. An old lady minding two toddlers the whole day, does she not deserve a break for an hour in the evening?? That is why I wrote, it must be a privilege & not a burden mutually. Thanks for promptly echoing your thoughts, SS. Love, Chithu. |
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| | Yes, Supriya, quite a few of my friends undertakebabysitting of their NRI GC here. I have this experience of my friend recently. The baby was just an year old. Everyday, her daughter would phone & ask her the whole day's routine of her baby. Not only that, she started instructing her mother, how to handle her child, bring him up etc.My friend got furious. The whole situation becomes "inflammable" if the child falls sick in India & the parents are in the US. They fret & fume naturally, giving a long list of instructions!! Such situations "escape" misunderstandings rarely!! Love, Chithra. |
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| | chitmam, i am back herethe example i had given of a dil, is no where abroad,infact it is from chennai and i do see her once a week somewhere... well,I also had read the concerned thread you mentioned, and felt bad.... I am back here, to tell you that when in bahrain, when the dil and daughters did not get a resident visa for the parents/in laws, they were brought on a servant maid visa just to baby sit the kids..i personally knew a mother who used to do all the work, and had to answer each and every question that was posed to her by the sil and daughter. definitely everybody needs to draw the line., but where to draw the line, should depend on the person's individual comfort zone and not on what other's think, or what society thinks. |
| Updated 8th September 2008 at 10:57 AM by Shanvy |
| | You write exactly what is.............in my mind, Shan. It is best left to the individual concerned and her or his discretion, without emotional blackmailing being "attached"! This happens very often, sadly! You are welcome any no: of times, Shan! Love, Chith. |
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| |  Dear Chithu, Indeed a debatable topic!! Though the grandparents do bring up the grandkids as their own kids or even better there is the fear that the parents might not approve of many thing that they do. Though they are called of as the old school of thought these GPs love what they do dearly for which they are given neither recognition nor affection which they yearn for. There are so amny points that you have clarly stated know your limits and you are safe.Super O Super!!!! |
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| | Hi Janani, long time.....no see??? Just kidding! Yes, today's grandparents have to surely know & clearly know when & where to draw a line - not an easy job though!!  But, here also, as everywhere, survival of the "fittest"!! Love, Chithra. |
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