Hiya All
Here I am bloggin my thoughts, ideas, journals and ofcourse my inevitable ramblings. Greatly appreciate you'll stopping by and add comments if you will. See ya!
Here I am bloggin my thoughts, ideas, journals and ofcourse my inevitable ramblings. Greatly appreciate you'll stopping by and add comments if you will. See ya!
Relatives or Friends?
Posted 23rd June 2008 at 09:51 PM by Anandchitra
Yesterday my relative Sheila came back from India and dropped in to visit me. After the dinner I had cooked for her and her family they left. The visit did go well except for a small expectation I had. I thought they would atleast get me a small sweet packet, I told my dh, after they left.
My dh ofcourse said I was wrong to have expected this. Actually I am not very fond of sweets and neither is anyone in my home. Its just that would have been a small token to bring back and share after spending a long time in India.
I can ofcourse buy all these sweet packets locally. Its really not about the sweet but just a small expectation I had. Am I wrong?
In the past everytime I went to India always brought back silk or kanjeevaram sarees for Sheila. Though I really did not expect in that scale...
Whenever any of my friends travel, even within the same country or abroad they always bring me back something. Just a little something.
So what is the difference here between relatives or friends? Or is this just happening to me? Why dont relatives be nicer instead of fault finding? Again maybe yours are so much better? Again maybe I should change?
How is that friends sometimes extend themselves more than relatives do? How is that friends show kindness and thoughtfullness where relatives dont.
Has anyone else come across anything similar? Please do share your views.
My dh ofcourse said I was wrong to have expected this. Actually I am not very fond of sweets and neither is anyone in my home. Its just that would have been a small token to bring back and share after spending a long time in India.
I can ofcourse buy all these sweet packets locally. Its really not about the sweet but just a small expectation I had. Am I wrong?
In the past everytime I went to India always brought back silk or kanjeevaram sarees for Sheila. Though I really did not expect in that scale...
Whenever any of my friends travel, even within the same country or abroad they always bring me back something. Just a little something.
So what is the difference here between relatives or friends? Or is this just happening to me? Why dont relatives be nicer instead of fault finding? Again maybe yours are so much better? Again maybe I should change?
How is that friends sometimes extend themselves more than relatives do? How is that friends show kindness and thoughtfullness where relatives dont.
Has anyone else come across anything similar? Please do share your views.
Total Comments 41
Comments
 |  Dear AC, Relatives are by chance ,friends are by choice.Guess theres very little we can do about it.I guess we make friends when we see certain warm traits in them ,hence also the fact that they do feel it neccessary to give a token, Even for me, though relatives do get something, but yet it is more of a compulsion, whereas friends get me these small token of love.It could be anything simple and inexpensive but the fact that they thought about it and found it necessary to show some kind of gesture to appreciate the fact that youve been a good hostess and that they are thrilled to visit you makes you feel good. I understand what youre saying but I think relatives rather some of them take you for granted knowing you are bound to be together no matter what , but the worst part is when you go and pick up soemthing for them ,yet when they visit you again they will come swaying their empty hands. I personally exchange lot of gifts .I find as much pleasure in giving as in recieving. Good topic AC!! Love, Devika |
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| | Don't you feel lonely there AC! Unfortunately, I am here to give you company on this  Happens to me many times. Relatives have a tendency to take you for granted. I think it is a combination of the following few things - a) because you will be a relative no matter what.The common thought is friendships can be broken but not relationships with relatives. I think some people take undue advantage of this fact. If they happen to be from the in-laws side then the tendency is more. Just my observation. b) They know that we will never stoop down to their standards (not just in gifting but in our behavior towards them) so they have nothing to lose by doing what they do. Tackling them is not easy. 'Cos what does not feel right to us in someone's behavior, is something we would not like to do to others either. So we cannot "give them back" per say. Avoidance and not going out of the way to make them feel uneccessarily comfortable is what I try to do. Sometimes this also may not be a possibility. Which is when I just do what is the right thing to do according to me and wait for God to make it right for me. Luckily he never disappoints! SS |
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| | Devika, he he .... we wrote the same thing abt relatives sometimes taking you for granted! Believe me when I say that there were no replies here when I started typing. Only when I submitted my reply I saw you had beat me to it! Nice to see our thoughts sync! SS |
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| | SS I told you there was something, there is definitely something to it!! hehehhheeee:)) |
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| |  Hi AC, Its always nice to receive something from anyone after they return from vacation in India...Yesterday, a friend, dropped in to give ripe alphonsa mangoes, from Salem...and little malligai poo(we don't get the flowers, here)...It was a nice gesture...I too always carry halwa from there to distribute here. I understand, your disappointment with your relative....disappointment not becos of the sweets but at her gesture....or the absence of showing the token ...some people are like that......maybe not just relatives, even friends. But as you said....relatives will find the fault....so, maybe it hurt you more...sheela was your relative and as I understand a close one may be....Perhaps if she was some friend, you maynot have felt so much....just thought and left it....(don't mistake me...not pointing fingers at you...its just what i think...) Yes, some relatives sometimes take us for granted... bye |
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| |  Dear AC, Count me too in your list. It maybe a small pack of sweets or fruits or even a memento. My colleague had been on a tour to Mumbai with her DH and friends, she brought a small keychain for all the people in our wing. Maybe the gift is small but I just loved her gesture. The thought she rememberd all of us in Mumbai, showed how warm a person she is. It is tooo rare to find these kind of gems but don't ask about relatives....... less said about them is better. Hence I do not expect from this quarters at all though exceptions are there. |
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| |  Dear AC, With many, most of us here relatives are like that per se. If you do the same thing they will have loads of complaints. Friends soemhow I feel understand you better most times that relatives do.I have been in that sitation most of the times.With relatives it is just that , but with freinds we share a bond that is beyond give and take.Realives will want you to be by them when in trouble, why should I you might think, but again if will only lead to problem if we reason with them or try to. So stick to your buddies.They are a safe bet for all seasons. My two cents!!! |
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| |  Dear AC,hi, i feel this is common with all relatives. even i have the same experience. i think relatives just try to maintain the relationship which they dont really want, but friends r not like that they r the ones' for us in all times. it is good to have 1 friend instead of having many relatives like this. madhu. |
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| |  AC..Friends or relatives..Most of them come empty handed here..Few of them bring stuffs for my son..but none for us.I have stopped expecting..Thats all I could do.. |
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| |  Hi AC Dear, Both SS and DM has mentioned a lot abt relatives and frds..... Relatives do this because they think that whatever they will do to you, still you will never able to brake that thread of relation with them. But in my view, if I can't feel the same happiness with a relative, I would better forget and forgive them rather than thinking about them and their behaviour. You see, they have hurt you once and as many times you will think about them, you will be hurt that many times.....so, better don't expect. As for me, I was the same some years ago....had so much expectations from others....but my DH has influenced me by telling me constantly that if you are giving something then never expect something in return, this will be then business not frdship......that way you will loose value of your gift also..... And I think its a better way, give somebody who will never able to return back......I mean the needy ones....... May be I am away from the topic.... Anyways, as for my thought, you need to change your expectations and that will make you our very cheerful AC and will make us happy as a cheerful AC will only be able to write cheerful posts for us....... Take care. |
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| |  agree with meetai also thought as we gave anyone a small thing also we expect lil bit from them . when we knows the giver to us told that the things gaven by them is more valuable then us or bla bla bla...even if they buy all from clearence or ..... its not usable by them also then even they expect if they gave .. So it is better they didn't get any thing we also will free to remind for giving... Always if u want to give some one give it without expectation (as human mind i know even i am also feel bad ) but take every thing positive |
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| |  AC, I always make it a point to get something or the other whenever I visit some place. Infact I have taken that habit from my mother. She is a person who gives some gifts for those men or boys who accompany their moms during Navarathri. But many a times, I have never received anything from relatives or friends unless and untill I have asked for it(ofcourse for those things I ask, I do pay them). Yes, as Meeta says, it becomes a business deal, if we expect something for those that we give them. But I do expect something from them when I give (let it be a small pin or pen), I expect that oh this is nice and it is nice of you to think to get something for us. During this trip to down south we bought kgs of Tirunelveli Halwa and Karupatti and distributed it to close circle relatives and friends. Friends were very happy that we remembered them but relatives.... It seems to be a mandatory action to get them something which is special as we have been on tour to that place(though they too went on a tour to same place two years back and didnot get halwa or anything for that case). I have started feeling that we are being taken for granted. |
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| | Hi Rajmi, This difference between frds and relatives will always be there. That's why its always better to remember your frds on which you can rely upon rather than relatives with whom you maintain out of compulsion. This way you will be away from any kind of tension. Whenever you feel bad about any of your frd's behavior, you could easily dump that friendship but your relatives will always be there to bother you and neither they will leave you nor will let you leave them...... For me, its better to have 2-3 close frds rather than a bunch of relatives ......... who will never be any help to you during your need but if you did so......you will be the rotten fruit in their vibrant garden....... Take care. And what are you doing so late.......is tomorrow a holiday......so that you are still awake....... |
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| | Hi Meeta, It was my son's birthday on 25th and I was busy with the arrangements the whole day. I had promised a friend to give a write up about different mobile models and I was researching the net for the details and for relaxation stepped into IL and find this particular blog that really interested me. Just giving the finishing touches to the writeup as he is online too and the document is going to and fro with corrections made and additions included from both the sides. That is why I am still awake. Have to crash as it is already very late and have to get up at 5.00. Thanks for reminding me you are so sweet meeta like your name. |
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| | Hi AC, here i stumbled into your blog today...friends anyday ....as I am more comfortable with them..most of the relatives take us for granted..there are some who are in touch with you only in case of a birth or death news...friends u can catch up anytime without sarcastic comments like oh how come u remembered us today...and i feel like retorting anyway i was the first one to remember u atleast today.... Mindi |
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| | Dear AC.. Nthg new really. Sad but true - these things are to be expected especially with relatives :( and thankfully less so with friends :) I simply have one formula - no expectations from anyone as such. And I have also kind of digested one expectation from others - that 'cos I am living abroad, when I visit India, I have to buy 'foreign' gifts for every member of the family - not for every family, but individual members :) I may even have to pay excess baggage in flight ! And honestly, I don't expect much in return from most people anyway, except may be some good-bad-ugly comments on the gifts themselves :) It is not in my nature to be cut off from all and I feel I need people whom I can refer to, as my relatives. Hence, I know that I am doing all this, for my own 'selfish' needs of weakness, in a way :) Cheer up now, since its not just you here.. Hehe Pavithra |
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| |  AC, Expecting is human nature...relatives or friends, it doesn't matter... there is another point to note down...if we have the habit of giving to others whenever we visit them, they will expect everytime we should get something..if we don't give them everytime we visit..they would not expect us to give anything...but if they allow us next time is the question...just kidding.. There are people like that....there is a proverb in Tamil which goes, 'what will you bring, if you come to my house and what will you give, if I come to your house'...see there is only one way...haha... sriniketan |
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| |  Bhargavi Like you say expecting is human nature.. your last line sums it up so well.. or rather the proverb sums it up so well. The giving always have to give and the taking always glad to take! |
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| | Dear Pavithra I know you are much younger than I, still your comment was troubling. To think that you take so many things to give for relatives or friends and they come up with bad or ugly things to say.. thats terrible. This is what they say Kudukira mattai pallai pidungi parkaradhu... very sad really. My dh would never allow me to take something and go if thats the reaction I am getting.. you must be awfully nice.. planning to send you my address so as to get gifts..hahahahahahahaha |
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| | Mindi dear am I glad you stumbled in here without hurting yourself.. sure. Dont know why universally the relatives say I was thinking of you today??!!!! Ya right... what are we now fools and stupid as well. So I really dont put up with it anymore.. also now I am reaching menopause trust me I am getting really irritable. so better not go there I think:) |
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