The Plus And Minus Of Joint Family

Joint family was a joint effort:

We in India had a wonderful joint family system for decades, and the help was very supportive, the positive points were more than the negative ones,
The present depressions were very well taken care of other members, like when a child had to be reprimanded the other member was always available for consoling.

When one had losses there were others who pooled in to improve the situations, the elders were wiser in handling the domestic issues, women were more at home and the education though limited had varied interests in art and craft mastered pickling and administration inside the house.

The elders had to sacrifice their projects for other younger members in the house, and each had to share the common profit and all rejoiced buying gifts at the same time.
The crisis of medical, educational fees, marriage expenses, festivals and mourning were more on a co-operative basis. The grandchildren were well taken care and the feeling was mutual among the children no matter who’s’ father earned how much, the grandsire had the say in all the matters and a wise one made a lovely home by his contributions.

They took more interest in settling the girls in the house and the hunt for a groom and bride was more on a co operative basis, emergencies also were more together.


Now let us look at the negative aspects:


The ego of men and women brought around a lot of differences the domination of some woman brought about a lot of arguments that lead to a lot of differences. The property rights for the first child was not acceptable anymore and all children who were interested monetarily wanted to walk away taking their share and make a good living. The poorer lot who were dependant on them started feeling the pinch and had to survive on their own, the lazy that were enjoying a lot of pampering had to fend for themselves.

The new born were left with the ayahs as no relative available full time, usually it is the mother of the bride who has to commit herself under many circumstance but the situation sometime do not allow her to come forward with many other commitments. The moral support needed when the parents are away at work became negligible, no control over the kids, who are going on a rampage, with freedom not put to better use for their future.


The food preparation became an obligatory and in the process junk food took the lead on the table giving way to many diseases appear unexpectedly damaging both mental and physical health.


The stress busters were not around so we have more of them with the disease unable to handle and in the process the children in a family are also dwindling giving way more to earlier menopause in woman, the burden share that was is no more. So the fall in life is becoming more costlier than anticipated.

None can rewind the clock but keep seeking more aged homes, and suffer the difference of lifestyle with desolation…sunkan

Hi Sunkan,
gud topic which is close to my heart..I lived in a joint family for abt 15 yrs so I know the in & out..I never could learn the house politics ..But I tried to do my duties by sumtimes going overboard..
now I live seperately but business is still joint..
When I came to live seperately I really missed staying together...but I suffered long due to in-laws being partial to one DIL..
After coming to new house I got mental peace & could grow emotinalyy ( in my case also physically)
Times have changed ..best to live seperately as children also are catalysts in arguments..they r no longer submissive & respectful of elders
Everybody is aware of their rights but concept of duties no longer exists

Hi Sunkan
Nice topic.I have never lived in a joint family.My Grand parents and my parents although live in the same city Still they live in different houses,but they have excellent relationship.My Grandmother loves my Mom very much and vice versa.They come and stay with us for few days and we throughly enjoy those days.But to tell you the truth,we although enjoy thier stay but still me and my sister have the opinion that we cannot stay in joint family somhow.We really lmagine it difficult in joint family.

Now i have observed that in almost all the cases the girls prefer nuclear families whereas the husabnds or guys say they love joint family system.Even in my case my husband says he loves joint family although they also never lived in that.But he says tht it is good one to be like that.Why so?????????Why guys like joint family whereas girls dont?And above that if a girl says that she does not like to stay in joint family why she is tagged bad or not wanting to take care of elders etc etc? I am definately of the opinion that our elders(parents) are our responsibility and dont mind staying with them but i must say i can accomodate just with parents and nobody else(BIL,SIL even my own sister).

Now i have IN laws satying close to my SIL's house in INDIA for the sake of thier children.SIL and her hubby are school teachers so they dont earn that much.Now my FIL and to some extent my hubby want my sil to stay with us in future so that they wont have any problem(financially).Somehow i dont like this idea ,although i have never expressed myself about this as it's not going to happen now so i dont worry at all about it.My hubby wants to help them if they need it which we have already done and i dont have any problems about it.Also he wants to sponser thier children in thier future education if they need it .I support that also as i feel money should never be the hurdle in education.
My parents have also given money to our maid for her daughters education,her clothes ,books.I am ready to help outsider's children for education, and these are the children of my own family.But somehow i definately wont like to stay with them.Now am i bad in thinking this way?If i would say this to my hubby or anybody else for that matter they will definately feel that i am being bad.
Can we not take care and love each other by staying seperate?Why are ladies who dont want to live in oint family labelled bad and non adjusting?


just a thought that crossed my mind immediately after reading your post.

Regards
Priti

Dear Sunkan,

Great Topic......

I have been in joint family and also seperately.... I have seen both the plus & minus... property disputes... selfishness of young ones... all...

The success of the joint family lies in participants/member of the family... If they have a understanding and uniformity in thoughts and goals without selfishness and jelousy / ego, then trhe Joint Family will become a great success... Else.......

Veda

Originally Posted by Pritirach

Hi Sunkan
Nice topic.I have never lived in a joint family.My Grand parents and my parents although live in the same city Still they live in different houses,but they have excellent relationship.My Grandmother loves my Mom very much and vice versa.They come and stay with us for few days and we throughly enjoy those days.But to tell you the truth,we although enjoy thier stay but still me and my sister have the opinion that we cannot stay in joint family somhow.We really lmagine it difficult in joint family.

Now i have observed that in almost all the cases the girls prefer nuclear families whereas the husabnds or guys say they love joint family system.Even in my case my husband says he loves joint family although they also never lived in that.But he says tht it is good one to be like that.Why so?????????Why guys like joint family whereas girls dont?And above that if a girl says that she does not like to stay in joint family why she is tagged bad or not wanting to take care of elders etc etc? I am definately of the opinion that our elders(parents) are our responsibility and dont mind staying with them but i must say i can accomodate just with parents and nobody else(BIL,SIL even my own sister).

Now i have IN laws satying close to my SIL's house in INDIA for the sake of thier children.SIL and her hubby are school teachers so they dont earn that much.Now my FIL and to some extent my hubby want my sil to stay with us in future so that they wont have any problem(financially).Somehow i dont like this idea ,although i have never expressed myself about this as it's not going to happen now so i dont worry at all about it.My hubby wants to help them if they need it which we have already done and i dont have any problems about it.Also he wants to sponser thier children in thier future education if they need it .I support that also as i feel money should never be the hurdle in education.
My parents have also given money to our maid for her daughters education,her clothes ,books.I am ready to help outsider's children for education, and these are the children of my own family.But somehow i definately wont like to stay with them.Now am i bad in thinking this way?If i would say this to my hubby or anybody else for that matter they will definately feel that i am being bad.
Can we not take care and love each other by staying seperate?Why are ladies who dont want to live in oint family labelled bad and non adjusting?


just a thought that crossed my mind immediately after reading your post.

Regards
Priti

dear priti,
like how i have written it is more of bonding and when u dont have the frame of mind to adjust u tend to end up being alone, even if u help monitarily it wont go as far as u can help them personally, but here i think ur SIL has a husband and so should think about taking help monitarily and another thing the relation of a brother and sister is sometime too thick, and they go to any length to be together, there u may have problem.

it is the extended family that come into a family that have more problem adjusting, because they dont know the contributions and connections, but if the family extend in the same manner to that of the extended ones like DIL, or SIL then we can see a lot of bonding more, all relation has to be worked on, whether singular or double is not the matter, but perseverance is the matter, the other side is always green, but when u have a mindset like that it is better to follow that rather than making it difficult for all...
sunkan

Dear Sunkan,

I have grown up in a joint family and never in my life would I want to have anything to do with it. I am better off living in a nuclear family. I always consider it a curse to have been born to my father who being an alcoholic all his life left us to live with his greedy brothers and sisters after his death. Although his sisters were all married they were either camping at the family home or they were visiting the place for no reason and were so adept at playing dirty games by plotting one person against another. I grew up watching all these games and have developed such disgust for the term "relatives". They were all rich but would never part with a pie to help any one in need. While I got married pretty late because of all that I had seen, my brother who is older than me does not even want to get married, all thanks to the joint family that we grew up in.

For a short time I also lived with my hubby's brother's family in India. And again I watched the same power games and dirty politics. At the end of the day it is home that should give us happiness and peace. It is home that we should look forward to returning to. Not running away from.

Originally Posted by arch174

Hi Sunkan,
gud topic which is close to my heart..I lived in a joint family for abt 15 yrs so I know the in & out..I never could learn the house politics ..But I tried to do my duties by sumtimes going overboard..
now I live seperately but business is still joint..
When I came to live seperately I really missed staying together...but I suffered long due to in-laws being partial to one DIL..
After coming to new house I got mental peace & could grow emotinalyy ( in my case also physically)
Times have changed ..best to live seperately as children also are catalysts in arguments..they r no longer submissive & respectful of elders
Everybody is aware of their rights but concept of duties no longer exists

dear arch,
the bonding in the joint family, there is someone or the other to take over when in trouble, is the plus point and of course with it come difference of opinion and so many thing that go with it, we need to nurture our children to respect now this was done in a joint family none can get away with talking nonsense and not respecting so the arm that hugs also reprimands...sunkan

Originally Posted by nivedi

Dear Sunkan,

I have grown up in a joint family and never in my life would I want to have anything to do with it. I am better off living in a nuclear family. I always consider it a curse to have been born to my father who being an alcoholic all his life left us to live with his greedy brothers and sisters after his death. Although his sisters were all married they were either camping at the family home or they were visiting the place for no reason and were so adept at playing dirty games by plotting one person against another. I grew up watching all these games and have developed such disgust for the term "relatives". They were all rich but would never part with a pie to help any one in need. While I got married pretty late because of all that I had seen, my brother who is older than me does not even want to get married, all thanks to the joint family that we grew up in.

For a short time I also lived with my hubby's brother's family in India. And again I watched the same power games and dirty politics. At the end of the day it is home that should give us happiness and peace. It is home that we should look forward to returning to. Not running away from.

dear nivedi,
there are positive and negative everywhere, and when i say about joint family the negatives if more will leave a very bad taste, why for that matter a nuclear family with an alchoholic father leaves the child to detest marriage, i have known of a man who wanted his children to run away with someone, but his quota of drinks should be on the table, so people of different colors leave behind history for others to detest what they see..cheer up hope u r at peace now..sunkan

Originally Posted by Vysan

Dear Sunkan,

Great Topic......

I have been in joint family and also seperately.... I have seen both the plus & minus... property disputes... selfishness of young ones... all...

The success of the joint family lies in participants/member of the family... If they have a understanding and uniformity in thoughts and goals without selfishness and jelousy / ego, then trhe Joint Family will become a great success... Else.......

Veda

very true veda,
but u think we get those attitudes nowadays, only in films like hum saath saath hain, or hum apke hain kaun...sunkan

Hi, I just wanted to add my opinion about Joint Family

Plus points are
1) Shared expenses equally gives more savings to all.
2) Kids get love, affection, scoldings, warnings from the dear ones.
3) working women get help at home.
4) Guidance and advice from elders.
5) You dont feel sick when you are actually sick. You feel depressed and always long for loving care when you miss the family.
6) No need to worry during emergencies, crisis...

Minus Points
1) Interference in everything leads to fights, arguements etc...
2) Every plus is also a minus.
3) Thinking of privacy is difficult.
4) Imposition of ones likes and dislikes on the other members of family creates friction. everyones wants to do according to their likes and dislikes and never likes when something is imposed.
5) Everyone in the family likes to be the deciding authority on every matter.


So in todays world as everyone is educated, independant and egoistic, joint family is really difficult. Sometimes when you hear bad tale of a joint family, you feel it is better not to be in joint family atleast you get some peace at home.

One can think of joint family only if everyone is adjustable, compromising, good natured, honest,....... Otherwise is very difficult.