Awareness about post adoption issues

]Essential qualities that the couple needs to have to do a successful adoption are

a) identity of mind and a clear purpose,
b) courage and determination to deal with any issues that arise out of adoption,
c) willingness to be committed to the child and truly consider the child like a biological child and
d) unconditional love for the child to defend and protect the child from physical and mental challenges.

Many times, the couple might have identity of mind but husband’s mother might apply pressure to daughter-in-law to adopt one of the children of husband’s sibling. It is very important such pressures are dealt with clearly up front by the couple so that it does not become a bottleneck in their relationship particularly post adoption. Mostly, such indirect approaches are intended to keep the wealth within the family. Adopting a child from one of the siblings invariably results in complications within the family. In many families, the biological parents try to lure the child back into their fold despite willfully giving away the child to be adopted. The adopted parents struggle so much because of the bonding with the child and neither able to claim their parental rights nor able to forgo the child back to the biological parents.

In many families, when a child is adopted from an institution, the close relatives just inquire about the child for formality without showering their affection to the adopted child. For example, if a biological child is born, grandparents want to handle delivery and raise the child until the child is 3-6 months old. Such things do not happen with the adopted child and the grandparents don’t even feed the child as they don’t develop bonding with their grandchild. In such situations, the parents should compensate by showering the child with enormous love. It is the parents who should understand the mindset of each grandparent and close relatives and accordingly allow the child to freely interact with them. If no one is showering love on the child, the parents should be willing to raise their child on their own. That is why courage and determination to face any eventuality is important.

Once a child is adopted, the child should be considered by the parents as their own biological child. Their growth, milestones, physical and mental development are critical to the parents. The parents need to watch and prevent the child being exposed to any type of verbal abuse if others know about the adoption. To the extent possible, the adoption should be shared with people only on a need to know basis. If the child for some reason gets disturbed by acts of abuse, it is important to take them for a psychological evaluation and professional advice should be taken how to handle such situations. Under no circumstances, the parents should lie to the child and even if the child goes through prolonged depression or shock on communication about adoption, the parents need to be patient. They should not give up and be courageous to respond to any situation. The child could be extremely angry with the biological parents and show their anger to the adopted parents. In situations like that instead of defending, the adopted parents should handle it tactfully explaining that it is not uncommon for parents to have difficulty in raising children and such unusual and unlikely circumstances could happen to anyone. Under no circumstances, the adopted parents should communicate to the child that they did a favor to the child by adopting him/her.

In situations when the adopting is communicated with the child, they withdraw themselves for a while, sometimes cry a lot, and aspire to see their biological parents and understand the rationale why they decided to abandon the child. Constant communication at that stage with the child is very important and it is important to inform the child that adopted parents are available to support the child to overcome their mental agony. Many times, adopted child might not share their feelings with the parents and this situation creates a strong mental depression to the child. They do anything that would keep their mental chatter to go away and sometimes they might succumb to try to end life or even be involved in substance abuse.. Even if they have severe health issues, the parents should be willing to handle it carefully and make the child recover completely.

The parents should have a clear plan to
a) handle close relatives,
b) protect child from abuse,
c) inform the child about adoption,
d) handle severe reactions from the child,
e) answer questions about biological parents including the request to meet them,
f) inform the bride or bridegroom and her/his parents about adoption before marriage.
When an adopted child gets married to a woman, he understands love need not be biological.

 

Dear Anita,

Thank you for your wonderful feedback with a case study. Frankly, I know a family in which grandmother has not recognized her youngest son's child even after several years. When he was young (less than a year old), grandmother fed her elder son's daughter while this adopted child was watching it holding her leg laughing thinking that at some point of time she was going to give him a chance. This brought tears into the eyes of the adopted parents. When the younger son calls her and talk to her, if she was in good mood, she would inquire about his son, if not, she would completely ignore talking about him.

Every time, when any discussion comes about children, she would always talk about her life would be complete once the daughters of the elder son gets married and have children. For those who watch this conversation from outside, it would appear like a normal conversation. For an adopted parents, it is nothing but emotional harassment and consistent communication of her ignoring their child as part of the family.

These parents having cried all their life, have no tears left to cry but their resolve to succeed has resulted in them becoming very successful and building a lot of wealth for their only child. Now, ignoring the adopted child has turned out to be feeling jealous about this child and advising the parents to be careful in raising the child with proper values. These parents also heard many side comments such as "even for biological children, when they get terminal illness requiring organ transplants, the parents are helpless and in case of adopted children, what can they do?" I can simply conclude by saying that sometimes who we consider us our closest relatives could be cruel.

Viswa

 

Dear VJ,

Thank you for your generous comments and I am truly humbled and honored by your comments. I know you have been doing a fabulous job of supporting so many PAPS through this section and it is my duty to thank you for giving me an opportunity to write in this section.

With kindest regards.

Viswa