Reason not to do adoption

]Parents who are looking to adopt a child should always evaluate various options before making that decision. If one is evaluation other options, the other should wait patiently until there is a consensus. No parent should coerce the other half to make that decision. It should be by mutual consent by both husband and wife and once they make the decision, they should stick to that decision and pursue the process aggressively. If couple’s parents are not in agreement with that decision, they should either convince them to agree or decide to defend the child under any circumstances. Especially, if they have biological children already, it is all the more important to have grandparents’ consent. The parents should do the adoption for the right reason and the purpose of this post is to provide reasons why it should not be done.

It is a noble act – The parents should not think that a child will get a life, if they adopt one of the many orphaned children. That thought would make the parents expect something out of the child. The only reason the parents should do adoption is to enjoy the pleasure of raising a child and to share unconditional love with the adopted child as though she is biologically born to the parents.

To escape the ridicule – The parents should not adopt a child just because they are being ridiculed by others for childlessness. The parents need to recognize that those who ridicule the childlessness also could ridicule an adopted child. The parents should be able to stand up for the adopted child and this should naturally come to the parents.

Companionship for a single child – Many times parents who already have a child are unable to have another biological child due to medical reason should not go for adoption just to provide companionship to otherwise lonely child. This definitely creates conflict in the mind of the parents and puts the biological child already above the adopted child. If the parents have a daughter, they could have an adopted son or vice versa but it should be purely to raise a son or a daughter as the case may be. Biological child should be trained to treat the adopted child at par like a true brother or sister.

Motivated by another adopted parents – Sometimes, the parents lean towards adoption just because another young couple are having great fun with an adopted child. Every child is different and the motivation to adopt a child should come from within. Even others are suggesting or another couple succeeded in integrating the child nicely into the family, the parents should evaluate all pros and cons carefully and until they are fully motivated by mutual consent, they should not go for adoption.

Age factor – Many times, it is better for a couple to do adoption at a young age so that raising of the child is also done at the right age of the parents. If the parents waited too long, sometimes raising the child at old age becomes an issue. I have personally known a set of parents who got frustrated to face complications arising out of adoption when they were older. Also, some parents prefer to adopt a child who is older rather than an infant in order to avoid the early age chores that they need to do for an infant. But those parents need to understand that because the child was raised in an institution for a fairly long period of time might have different perspective of life and it might be hard for them to integrate with the new family

 

Dear Eandian,

Thank you for your encouraging words and for finding this post useful.

Viswa

 

Dear VJ,

I am grateful to you for making all these threads into sticky threads so that more ILites could read it. Parents who have adopted already know very well the issues they face in the world. I encourage all of them to share the challenges they face so that those who are trying to do adoption could make informed decision. At the same time, the new parents who are adopting should also hear success stories so that they know eventually, they would lead a happy life with their adopted child/children.

Viswa

 

Dear Subha,

Thank you for your kind words. I know a couple who adopted a lovely girl when she was 3 years old. The couple was 45+ when they adopted. After a few years, they were exploring possibilities of sending her back to the orphanage as they found it difficult to handle the situation. When I heard that, my heart was bleeding. The parents obviously did not consider the emotions of the child before exploring such option. Obviously, many right thinking people convinced the couple not to do that. My question to that couple is, what they would have done, if one of their biological children is difficult to handle? Will they send that child to orphanage?

Viswa

 

Dear Eandian,

I am glad you mentioned this. Interviewing the parents and evaluating their need is a very important aspect of adoption process. Some very serious adoption centers are using a psychologists to interview the parents and understand their emotional side before deciding on the adoption. This is a serious process and even though they are not for profit organization and voluntary, they should not take this process lightly as it involves the life of a child. They have a fiduciary responsibility to do it right.

Viswa