Let the younger ones fly, allow the elder ones age in place

Dear pavithra,
Just now I read your snippets.Wow! wonderfully presented.You have articulated so well. Now a days most of the families are in this dilemma,the decision could be either quest for knowledge, career prospects or peer pressure.Some youngsters vouchsafe that they were sent out by the parents for gaining prestige and status and they themselves were not inclined to go out.The result is the same.
The parents know pretty well that birds will fly out of their nests one day as they had come out of their homes one day.Old order changeth yielding place to new.
Even then why do parents feel? Are they not educated and matured enough to understand the simple fact from lesser human beings, the birds?Because we are not birds, we are bundles of emotions.As long as this universe remains, change will be there, emotions will be there.Matured advices will be fast springing up from nook and corner.This is the way the world works.

There is yet another prospective ,not from the view of the emotional mother but from the general prespective of 'ageing'.

Nearly 90 percent of seniors aged 60 plus want to stay in their own homes as they age, this is often referred to as “ageing in place”.
Many of us have heard this from parents in India “I’ve lived here 40 years. No other place will seem like home”. The fact is “ageing in place” is a universal phenomenon.

The foremost reason seems to be the confidence of being independent,which they have inculcated in their children living far away.

In general, seniors see themselves as proud survivors who have sailed through good as well as bad times. They are confident that they can continue to take care of themselves.

The idea of living life as per his/her rules appeals to everyone and elderly parents are no exception. Living in their own comfort zone as per their own terms is highly endearing to most seniors.

The assurance and sense of comfort of staying at their own place is a big reason. Knowing where their favorite places like shops, friend’s house, shops, place of worship etc gives them a feeling of having control over the place.

The proverb,“ Home is where the heart is”, holds true for the elderly. They have an inseparable attachment with a place where they have spent a significant amount of time and have a lot of memories attached to it.

The whole idea of packing a lifetime of memories to things they posses and relocating them is extremely tiring for most seniors.
Some elderly parents are afraid of being micromanaged by their children.
The situation is-parents can't move,neither the children.Instead of either blaming the parents for lack of adjustments,nor the children for their inability to take care of elders, the children's responsibllity lies in helping the parents age gracefully and comfortably -that is 'to age in place'.

Some 50-60 years back, parents' responsibility ceased with educating and settling their children.Once children get settled down mostly in the same town, in the same house or different house, almost all the children were taking care of parents. Now the responsibility of parents as well as children have doubled.Parents have to save for their evening of life also and children have to shunt between countries not only for career but for looking after their dear parents.This dual role has cost heavily on both sides.,both physically, mentally and ethically and a sense of guilt prevails amongst youngsters.Net result is the blame game.

As children aspire for higher education and career prospects they have to start educating themselves well in advance about the technology, services, activities available for seniors. Many options at affordable prices are available in the market, you only have to find the right one according to the requirement and budget.
Most importantly you could fix safety issues related to ageing like fire safety, avoiding bath room falls etc.Small modifications in their home, especially in the kitchen and bathroom can make a lot of difference in keeping their abode age friendly and safe.
Keep them in places where they can remain socially active. Engage them in intellectually stimulating activities.
This is not the time to argue or blame.Respect their decision to age in place. At the same time children should take bold decisions when ageing in place is simply not advisable.

A good first step–before a crisis arises–is to hold family meetings with your parent, spouse, children, siblings and other key people so that everyone can share their views and help decide how best to proceed.
Whether the parent's memory is impaired.whether they need round the clock assistance and the financial aspects to take care of all these things have to be discussed threadbare .Earning a bad name in the society is secondary.
Most people prefer to remain in their own homes, and sometimes that’s possible—with some help. Resources in the community such as meal delivery service, “friendly visitors,” housekeeping, home health aides, transportation, or other in-home assistance might provide enough support so your parent can remain at home, in familiar surroundings. The home must be safe, with good lighting, clear spaces to walk, no stairs. Tech innovations, such as automatic pill dispensers, movement monitors or webcams, can be useful.A move to a smaller apartment, condominium or one-story house in their community or yours might also be feasible, with help and check-ins from family. Sharing an apartment or house with a friend or relative could be another possibility.

Senior citizens' home also is a welcome option and children need not feel they have swerved from the responsibilities and parents are also well aware of the situation of children. This is a growing national movement, and for some people, it’s enough support to allow them to remain in their homes.
The best place for your parent is in your home. While this can be a very rewarding experience on many levels, living with your parent may lead to some tension caused by a shift in family roles. A once-independent parent may become more dependent. You’ll probably have less time for your spouse and for yourself. You might have to adjust your work schedule, and your children may need to help with household responsibilities, including care of their grandparent., especially with elders with impaired visions.These role changes can be big adjustments for everyone.

You and your parent probably have different lifestyles. Sleeping cycles, food preferences, noise level, social calendars, interests, and activities may need adjustments in order to guarantee a happy transition. There is no use of taking hasty decisions momentarily and suffer later.

It is advisable to discuss with parents whether they will be able to share the extra expenses needed for their care.Now a days legal document called'Personal care document' is being drafted detailing expenses for'take care services'


Packing and moving out of a house is a significant chore for anybody, but for the older adult who has decades’ worth of memories and possessions, moving can be a major emotional challenge.The elderly parent may need time to adjust to to the new environment and for a smooth transition whether it your own home or old age home.

It is a win-win situation for both parents and children when parents age in place successfully. Lots of products and online services have come up in India which could be great help to your parents as they age in place. You could identify them for your parents or even better introduce them to your parents as gifts, if a comfort level is established with the service provider then half your job is done.
Let birds fly in air;but allow the parents to age in place.

jayasala 42

 

Thank you vaidehi for the instantaneous response.The reality is hard to digest.But it is there for us to experience.

jayasala 42

 

Thank you Joylokhi,
Elders who are sailing in the same boat can better understand and appreciate the reality.
In many families, not the parents but other near relatives start blaming the children for not taking the parents to their place.Children form an impression that the parents might have indirectly hinted to to the relatives.This type of game play is very common in our society.
This is a phase and it has to be gone through.There is no use of youngsters feeling guilty or the parents' blaming children.It is better such issues are discussed with children direct than with gossiping relatives.Once we get reconciled to the reality, there is no heart burn or misunderstanding.

Jayasala 42

 

Dear Satchi,,
Thank you for your informative response.

My mother very often said, one who has itching sense only knows where to scratch.Those who face the problem only know the realities;others are simple observers and their tongues can rotate all 360degrees.Even now I stick to my mother's advice;" you can consult any number of persons;but decision should be taken by only taking every aspect into consideration.

In all these matters,there is no single solution.The same solution may not work out to all the people and even to the same man under all circumstances.Better be your own judge.

jayasala 42

 

Dear pavithra,
Thank you very much for your nice response.I am very glad that you have plans to return to the roots.
Unfortunately the situation of many youngsters are varied.Though the husband or wife would like to return, children would think otherwise.They have to give weightage to the opinion of children.They can't ignore their children for the sake of parents.

As I see many youngsters live in comfort in other countries.But their future plans are very much wavering.To talk to you plainly, they are in spending spree,they earn and just spend.
Many middle class Indian parents,who were just working as assistants/junior management staff in Govt depts have educated their children,see their children settled abroad,have a two room flat, though not high-end,have a very decent pension for their future.Their position is economically definitely better than that of their children working abroad who have lot of commitments towards the high cost education of children.In such cases there seems nothing wrong for the parents to offer their might as'take care' expenses.
Actually this is not at all anew concept in India.I have seen many'wills' in which parents had allotted a few thousands more to the son with whom they were living.This need not be considered as degrading of a son/daughter.
Chances are, that the son may really be in need of that help but may hesitate to ask the parents.
Beyond love, affection and filial obligations-financial aspect is the most important thing in these days of increasing costs.
My friend's son has purchased a senior citizens' home in Coimbatore and gifted it to his parents at 65.They are hale and hearty for the present and have rented out the senior citizens' home.Once they are disabled,they may switch over to the home,if need arises.
In the same way parents ,who decide to stay with children, may offer a few thousands per month out of their pension-whether you call it 'a gift to grand children or plainly accept as compensation for 'take care'.This is a way of making the elders keep up their dignity.
Apart from individual opinions and individual situation fact remains that one needs lot of money to take care of senior citizens in a proper way.'It is not like cooking a karandi of rice and 100 gms of vegetables and some additional sambar and rasam;.The amt spent for 'food' is nothing compared to other'take care' expenses.
Those children are fortunate whose parents are ok for their age without much problems. Parents are equally lucky. But all are not fortunate to be gifted with'anaayaasa maranam' as wished for.parents/children should always be prepared to meet such exigencies.Open hearted discussion reg financial aspect, is much more welcome ,than the unpleasant after effects of impulsive decisions.
My MIL was all along staying with us only, though she had other children.She had some Rs25,000 in hand as F.D.
She had written in a notebook that Rs 5000/ was to be granted to us for taking care of her for 30 years." They have done a lot to me, have taken me to various places.This small amt of Rs 5000/ is nothing equal to their services.Yet I request them to accept it as 'Amma's Asheervadahm' so that I may die guiltless'
Though we felt very bad,we understood her intention and got a Thirumangalya chain for my daughter with that amt immediately.

I have learnt a lot from her.Her presence was a source of great strength .Even today, as I write this, my eyes are moistened as I think of the great soul and her thoughts about up keep of seniors.
jayasala 42
Jayasala 42