Help. ! What Is My Husband Up To ?

You cant go back and repair the past.

But in future, instead of complaining your DH is not helping with kids or house pls hire help and free yourself from the chores and focus on your love and sex life. This is the state of many Indian women these days. They expect husband to help with kids and house and when that doesnt happen they slog all day and go to bed tired and unhappy.

Pls hire help, start to train your kids to sleep at 9 pm and spend quality time with your husband. Let go of all resentment. Divorce is not easy and it takes a huge amount mental and emotional strength to go through it. But threatening a divorce is the easiest form of harassment and anyone can do it. Dont be scared by it.

You cant change the other person, better to change your Slave attitude and get some outside help.

 

@EagerForInfo ,
I am surprised to see u have left matters drift for more than 3 years and are now thinking of what is to be done. Whatever the differences with your husband, the earlier things are taken up and spoken out , the chances of it getting settled amicably are high.. It is time you come out openly with him , your many issues whether with MIL or his not contributing to any help with family.

 

OP, First of all, let me tell you that, I can understand well what is going on in your mind.
Please don't mix, the visit of MIL a few years back with this issue. Its not the problem here as seen from the post.

Calm down and think from his side too. He is providing everything. He works full time ( 2 jobs) and come by home by 9 pm. Do you expect him again to do household jobs or taking care of kids after he come back from job. It will be too much for him too as he will be tired or stressed out and want to take rest/sleep by the end of the day. He is supposed to help with kids and you also need rest, I agree. But in this particular situation its not very practical. In that case outsourcing jobs ( help for household jobs, nanny, day care) will be the best to do. If you keep on complaining, it will result in resentments, frustrations and more problems. Planing well, taking kids to sleep before he reach home may help. I think its important to spend some time everyday with your dh.

Is there any truth in his complaint on lack of sex for these many years? I see a huge communication problem here. Why didn't he discuss this issue with you or approached you for it or why didn't you initiate it. Only you guys know the reason. May be he felt that you are giving importance to kids, and not taking care of him or might have thought that you are tired with all these. Many women, focus on kids during this period and neglect the needs of husband, I also did that. But realized that mistake later. If they are not happy in that, chanced of them getting irritated/frustrated or becoming negative are more than normal.

If there is any truth in his complaint,(3-4 years is a long time) understand it well and have patience. Intimacy is very important in marriage. May be your dh went for vasectomy in the hope of doing it any time. Did you turn him down? Appreciate that he has been loyal and didnt went for something else (read many posts in IL including recent one).

Have a face to face discussion with him. Instead of complaining and questioning him (using words like you, why what etc), talk in a friendly way and express your pain/ignorance of knowing this issue ( use I feel , I wish etc..by carefully selecting words like you seek help) . Accept that you also want to work on it and ask suggestions on how to improve the situation. Request him to communicate to you well and understand how busy you are. Request to discuss these private matters with you and not with others. Fighting now will elevate the issue. So accept it and find ways to fix it. Dont talk about MIL, if you need you can do it later after fixing this issue.

Past is done. I feel that you both can work and solve the current issue very well. Try to spend time every day with him. Once kids start sleeping go and spend time with him in the other bed room. Talk and communicate more. Create a friendly and pleasant atmosphere. Make your home a happy place to be in. Work on emotional bonding. More touch/hugs/kiss/cuddling etc..With proper understanding, love and care, you can win the situation well and be on track again. Live in the present and look forward to future. Be positive. Good luck.

 

Dont talk with his family