Having An Affair And Want To Break The Marriage

I have never heard of two people leaving their respective marriage and living happily everafter

Even if she files divorce, no kids is advantage, i am not sure he will leave his wife for her

She should get divorce and go look for a single and available guy instead of breaking another marriage

Your BIL could do something to rectify here and save the marriage. Marriage cannot be saved by one person or surrounding people.

 

I had posted this response to another recent thread, where the "cousin" herself posts to say that she wants to leave her good (but boring) husband, and go with someone who makes her laugh; and there were two kids in the marriage as well. You might find useful counsel for your cousin from some of the IL members over there.

I have lived in a foreign country where pretty much half the marriages end in divorces. And many divorced get remarried again. Even the president of the country had been divorced twice, and has had many affairs as well.

People in that country seems to know that .....Nobody is sufficiently happy if there is a possibility that one could be happier.

Your cousin has already overcome the husband-imposed traditional controls in managing to find her spark elsewhere. Only she can know whether it is a temporary spark or a permanent one. Outsiders cannot know that. Good luck to her.

 

The way I see it, she has nothing to lose.. If she wasn't happy 15 years , thats not going to change now. Whether or not that other guy commits she is better off coming out of this marriage . Life is too precious to spend in a no spark relationship.

 

she is leaving the marriage for some unreliable guy..what if this guy uses her and dumps her?she will lose her self esteem and self respect..that’s terrible.

If she wants out of the marriage coz she fell out of love with her husband so be it.If she is leaving the marriage just for this other guy “blindly” coz of some spark..it is tough.

Everything in life is glittery until we get it.After that,boredom and other priorities..your sister after one or two years will lose spark with the second guy or lose the magic she felt.Then what?

It is hard to find a good man these days.Her husband as you say seems nice but sexually inactive.

First they can go for a vacation for some romantic location to create a spark again.Then try counseling..if nothing works..she has to go ahead with what she wants and Figure out if that’s what she actually wanted.

What happens after that is her responsibility

 

She says quite a lot.
Shouldn't affairs-for-the-spark (different from affairs-of-the-heart) be like that tree falling in the forest ?

"If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?" is a philosophical thought experiment that raises questions regarding observation and perception.

If the busy, businessman husband (also) knows about her affair, and is OK with it, all is vell, no? If he doesn't know about it, would someone else who knows about, tell him ?

I was quite puzzled about "nothing to lose", especially when the OP says that "the cousin" in this discussion is financially taken care of by the husband, and totally controlled in every which way.

The sparking man, if given to understand that he'd be taking over all her liabilities, as well as assets, would he continue to spark ? --- is the typical conundrum that makes all unhappily married, financially dependent, women stay within the marriage, and tough it out for a lifetime.

Quite often there are children of the marriage (providing the sparks of affection) to drown the woman in chores of the household, and she'd have no time for outside sparklers, even if she hankers after it. In western countries, couples split up and get a divorce after their children leave home -- typically to go to college. In countries where divorce is a time consuming process, procedural complexity on top of mere inertia could make a unhappy couple "wait it out" to be single again.

 

Dear KayaCholan,
Has your sister ever defined what is being happy?
Happiness is a very relative term. Again, happiness for one may not be exactly the same for other person.
Both the partners in this marriage will have to introspect why your sister kept feeling 'Unhappy' for whole 15 years. Were there not happy periods at all? (In fact these happy periods can be good guide to gain happiness again) Can she explain what she means by 'Spark'. If she can define these terms, she can take informed decision about the relationship she expects from her new venture of an affair.
Once she takes a decision, she can take an action.
There is no such thing as being happy forever. What if she breaks the marriage, starts a new life and still remains unhappy from time to time?

 

Here is someone who explains "happy" and "spark" -- in a roundabout way. Spark is alchemy.

Rethinking infidelity ... a talk for anyone who has ever loved

 

Dear op

Most of time the marriage looks rosy to outsiders only the couple knows what exactly is going on between them.

These days with Facebook fancy updates people think other couple is lucky, very happy and things. Having a happy face outside doesn't mean they are really happy.

Coming to your cousin matters I am sure she is not teenager falling for infatuation. But yes love can make anyone go blind and make mistakes at any age. You can only explain her and make her see that both her and her lover are in marriage and technically cheating the spouse. If this is what both really wants they should get divorced their respective spouse and marry to start new life.

Whether new life is good decision, old devil is better than new god , or she is leaving a "good husband" and making mistake only time can tell.

If you are really concerned just talk to her. If it's beyond that just hope vest for her.