Conflict Management Of Fil/dil .

CONFLICT MANAGEMENT of FIL/DIL .

I boarded the flight from Bangalore to Mumbai and found my seat.I had sported the Vaishnavite straight redline on my forehead.I have started this after a nanogenerian had assured me that the straight redline will help me avoid ICU in my final journey.When this gentleman tried to extend the advice to adorning the two white lines that will make garuda help me find the way to heaven I stopped him short saying that as a marketing man I had travelled quite a bit all by myself and can find my way without help.Sorry for the digression.

Seated next to me was a dhoti clad gentleman in his seventies similarly sporting the redline on his forehead.It was chemistry at first sight.You are from……..?.It was clear that he was waiting for such a question..”I am from Bangalore staying with my first son and travelling to Mumbai to be with the second son for some time. I hate to stay in Mumbai in summer but helpless due to machinations of my DIL[.Thalayanai mandhiram pottu ennai kilapivittuta].Having been away from Chennai for over three decades I fail to catch the nuances of double meaning words.Seeing my puzzled expression,the gentleman got agitated and said that it is called pillow talk when a girl can easily influence the male species. He continued”.This is the biggest weapon in the womens arsenal and infact,God has equipped women with this self defence cum offence mechanism””.I felt air turbulence even though the flight had not taken off.

Ramanujam continued after the flight took off”’Four days back ie Sunday my son,DIL and grandson did not wake up till eleven AM.They had seen a movie Mission Impossible the previous night.I went to the kitchen to make my coffee.With great difficulty I located a coffee filter with both the chambers intact.I took the milk sachet and tried to cut it open.Something went wrong and the entire milk spilt on the floor. Imagine me 70+ mopping the floor on a sunday morning while the entire family was happily sleeping.I waited till my son left for his office on Monday and gave vent to my ire by pointing out,that the fridge was stocked with half eaten items,smelly pizza,two /three cups of cooked dal,different chutneys which have outlived their utility,half eaten fruits etc and almost made a power point presentation on wastage.She did not reply,gave me a scornful look and closed her room with a bang.It was too late that just then I remembered my brothers advice to watch my word when Raghu and Kethu are in transit..Throughout the day my conversation with DIL was in sign language. On Tuesday morning my second son called me up from Mumbai and said that he needed my help and therefore had emailed my air ticket for travel to Mumbai on Thursday.This is the story and here I am.His final shot was that both his sons were partners in conspiracy[kootu kalavanigal]We parted company at Mumbai,with the usual- I enjoyed your company and let us keep in touch.

This ranting and raving led me to recall my conversation with a few seniors over a period of time some of which I share with you all now.

“My DIL never tells me anything directly but conveys only through her husband.Why cant she be open and discuss the problem with me”’ Mr Sadagopan said..My answer to this was that perhaps he had not made it comfortable for her to give a feeling of belonging plus his age.Remove the perception of barrier and make her feel that she is as much an owner of this home as others in the home..Very often wrong advice is given by senior friends to keep a distance so that the DIL does not take liberties.

Another person complained that his DIL asked him to wash his coffee cups whenever the maid was absent.. I told him that in a similar situation in my daughters house I not only washed my cups but also some other vessels to free her from the strain. Why should this be different with DIL.The gentleman had no answer.To add to the punch I said that my daughter called me “mad” when I wanted to travel by myself.Would you tolerate if your DIL calls you mad?

One more interesting case is that of an young couple making a holiday trip to Greece ,two days after the departure of FIL to his daughters house elsewhere.The aspect which hurt him was that all discussion between the couple,their seven year old son was held in hush hush tone and packing was done secretly.”” Only the lady in the neighbours house who knows more about what is happening in the others houses than in her own, spilled the beans secretly to me.Had I known this earlier I would have stopped it.My son is already groaning under the weight of of EMI for house,car for his wife inverter Fridge etc.If he had wanted a change he could have gone to our village, visited our family deity temple.Added to that was their travel starts on Ashtami day considered inauspicious for any activity.I would have atleast asked them to postpone their trip”’.I counselled him that these are precise reasons for their surgical strike to Greece and he should refrain from giving advice and just wish them a safe journey.

Just one more example-DIL set the table and disappeared asking the senior to help himself.As soon as he finished DIL would come and have her lunch.The gentlemans grievance-was he an untouchable?.On complaining,his neighbour told him that his Dil was unable to tolerate the old man spilling food all over his kurtha and smearing the dining tableletc.The furious gentleman on hearing this retorted that did she know that he washed her husbands inner wear till he was almost ten. The problem could have been solved by getting a bib and helping the old man to wear it while eating.The last straw on the camels back was when he heard his DIL describing him to her friend as an immovable property and that is why they were not able to go on holidays any where.

Not surprisingly these are cases where the men had lost their wives and staying with their children.This is important as one gentleman said that had his wife been alive she would have ruled the roost.

MY TAKE[I am imitating Rajdeep Sardesai]

The girl leaves her comfort zone and gets into a new environment with anxiety and possibly apprehension.Seniors should try and extend the comfort zone in their house.Seniors should not give a presentation of their son,his and dislikes etc.At best it can be an executive summary or a foreword..Given their acumen for observation and intuition girls can make an exhaustive summary of their man quickly.

Accept her as their daughter and behold fifty percent of the problems are solved.Same should be thecase with the girl mentally accepting them as her parents.Direct communication avoids distortion and misreporting.Girls should not be abrasive but ceratainly assertive.Girls should be sensitive to the fixed notions and idiosyncracies of old people as after all the old are keeping the seat warm for them.Create an environment of the golf course at home with friends,humour,music and enjoyable food.If the girl makes up her mind there is no boundary for the golf course.As for seniors understand “The tyrant known as man,thought that a womans place was around the frying pan.It was good enough for his wife but is not good enough for me “.Dont underestimate the power of touch,a kind word,a listening ear,an honest compliment can easily turn a life around” .

 

Dear Amulet,
I must see the movie.Every one needs an outlet when he is troubled even though there are positive aspects in every situation.Please consider that the man without his wife is like a boat without oar.
SLN