Bitter Thoughts For Husband - I Laws I Gave Up

Married for 14 years, tensed by in-laws for 13 years, so you had been rid of the two tensing in-laws for one whole year now ?
If yes, please explain how you managed that ?
There could be some help in it for your future problem solving method.

 

@Goahead,

What will help to pacify you?
In India, patriarchal system is strongly embedded and men will not let go their privilages easily. They highlight women's adjustment issues, idiosyncrasies and inherent weaknesses to ridicule and put them down. On the other hand, they underplay their weaknesses and use the tools given by the patriarchy to hide behind a facade. Everyone in the society will point a finger when a woman errs but look away when a man errs. So in this scenario, your observations about his hypocrisy may be valid but it will not serve any purpose other than creating heartburn, health or psychological issues. Picking up regular arguments will also not help you; he will tend to be more defensive, aggressive, passively aggressive, more secretive, extra affectionate towards his people and so on. There is no end to this negative trend. This will in fact push you apart.

While dealing with your sister, go ahead and do whatever you feel like without expecting much from him. Focus on developing better understanding and mutually beneficial relationship with him. Let him learn to trust you and let his guards down. Once this happens he will be more open to listen to you or understand your POV. Let go of your negative feelings for your own good. Accept that some men never like to trust their wives till it is too late in life. This is quite a common pattern in our society.

Make peace with your life, use your resources to improve your relationship with him and build a better family. Luckily, you are physically away from your in laws; make the best use of your circumstances.

All the best.

 

Your mil and sil are exactly like mine. My husband is extremely supportive of me, so they don’t play with me. In fact they respect me because my husband is extremely extremely supportive. Since your husband is playing to their tunes, they are playing games with you.
What could you do?
1. Just stop giving too much attention to your husband. Let him talk with his mom/sister. Let him gift her so much. There are more problems in life, money is least of all the problems. Think that you are doing some social service. Don’t worry about the money given to your sil.
2. You don’t talk with them. You stop talking with them. You don’t gift them. You go for vacations with your sister and brother and sons. You gift for your sister and brother even if he stops. Just enjoy life. Go for walk, change your lifestyle. Take vacations with your sons. Be independent. Your husband will understand you can enjoy without him. Don’t ever vent about your husband and inlaws to your family when you are spending good time with them. You will only feel bad for venting, just value your siblings and enjoy.
3. Don’t be angry on your mil/sil/husband. They are making mistakes because they are soaked in patriarchy. Just forgive them but you don’t have to talk to your mil and sil. Don’t fight with your husband. You just be happy with your siblings and sons. He will come back to you one day. Until then be positive. Be strong. Show your love to your parents and siblings.
4. Don’t worry about your situation. Everything is happening for a reason. What you are learning from this experience matters. Be positive. Be kind. But don’t talk to your mil/sil until they call you and speak. Even if they call, just say hi and give your phone to husband.

 

@Goahead ,
Indian men are like this. My father was like this and my husband is also like this. men raised in india are brought up this way.

 

@Neelaa
Are you suggesting that the OP has no solution, except get used to her India-raised-husband, and muddle through her life ?
I had thought that her successful weaning of his feelings for mom and sister over the recent one year could be of some help.

 

I know it’s very hurtful to see your husband like that .. not valuing your family enough. I am happy you find a solution for your mil and sil and I hope now they are not able to spoil your piece of mind. As for your dh’s behavior as long as you are doing what ever you are doing for 14 years he don’t need to change. Stop things you are doing for his folks. So as much as he is doing. If someone complains to you better if they do it in front of him, give them same reason and be strong to handle the aftermath. Off late my husband. Started behaving same.. not calling at my home on occasion so I stopped calling his folks for birthday and anniversary and gradually minimize contacts . No video calls to his parents to let them see their grand daughter from my side and I didn’t do a single call in past many years to relatives with whom mil backbite about me so slowly he is changing he made few effort in recent past to call at my family and when mil introduce dd to her side of family members name relation.. dh never forget to tell naniji mamu mami and so on. Just return him whatever he is giving. Next time when he is buying unnecessary stuff for his folks who go 2 step forward and tell him buy similar or more expensive for your side of people. Don’t complain that he is doing this. Even if he became secretive he need to put more effort for this and you will got to know from somewhere for sure. So as much as he is doing for you people. He will change . Don’t say don’t complain, just don’t do. Only reply when you knows that you can stand your ground without apologizing.