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A Second Class Life - Please help.

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by smartwife, May 4, 2015.

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  1. May 4, 2015 #1
    smartwife

    smartwife New IL'ite

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    I am married 2 years ago and my MIL is a dominating lady, heavily dependent on his son (my DH). My DH is a semi-mama boy.

    I know the mistake lies in me, but I get extremely Jealous when I see my MIL & DH getting along so well..! They are the perfect mom and son. They laugh together, joke, gossip family matters, solve my SIL’s problems together and most of the time, my husband doesnt include me. They talk on phone everyday for 30-45 minutes. I get sad and bitter when I see them getting along so well like milk and cookies.
    Also, whenever I tell him about some problem with my MIL, he defends her. I HATE it!

    Now, when we are together, my husband is a perfect man. But the moment his mom appears, I am neglected. I feel really bad that I am a second priority in my husband’s life.

    All this is happening even though we live in a seperate city...!!

    Here’s my question:

    1. How can I make my husband love me more than his mom?
    (He says he loves me, but I don’t feel that when my MIL is around.)

    2. How can I get rid of the jealousy I am facing?
    (It has become a huge problem in my life. I am having heavy mood swings and crying spells because of this. My career is also failing because of my weakness) Please help ladies.
     
    smartwife, May 4, 2015
    smartwife, May 4, 2015
    #1
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  2. May 4, 2015 #2
    anahita5

    anahita5 Gold IL'ite

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    Stop competing with your mil. she was there long before you came in the picture. Why are you making your husband center of your existence. his approval, his love, his support. Don't you want a life of your own ? Find something you are passionate about, a purpose and follow it. it will make you 100 times more happy, you will understand how trivial your point of view is.
     
    anahita5, May 4, 2015
    anahita5, May 4, 2015
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  3. May 4, 2015 #3
    indubalram

    indubalram IL Hall of Fame

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    Why dont u show the same towards your father in front of him. Just show how you get well with your dad. Maybe then he will realize? Call him or your brother something like that. make him feel jealous. Bring somebody like that in your life to set a competition between them. When he starts talking, immediately you call your brother or your father who ever understands you well or maybe your mom.
     
    indubalram, May 4, 2015
    indubalram, May 4, 2015
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  4. May 4, 2015 #4
    preethi91

    preethi91 New IL'ite

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    @smartwife- Every will get jealous when the husband gives more importance to his mother.you have to make him realize that u are more important by doing some favours for him.At the same time,you have to praise your MIL infront of your husband.Its hard to change him bcos he has been like this for so many years.U have to slowly accept the fact and change your mind slowly.Do u have kids?Worrying or crying doesnt going to change anything dear.
     
    preethi91, May 4, 2015
    preethi91, May 4, 2015
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  5. May 4, 2015 #5
    armummy

    armummy Platinum IL'ite

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    Define first class life please .

    Don't compete
     
    armummy, May 4, 2015
    armummy, May 4, 2015
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  6. May 4, 2015 #6
    Rohanj

    Rohanj Gold IL'ite

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    If living for yourself can make you 100 times more happy. Then why marry in the first place? Stay single and be happy for your entire life.
     
    Rohanj, May 4, 2015
    Rohanj, May 4, 2015
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  7. May 4, 2015 #7
    indubalram

    indubalram IL Hall of Fame

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    We don't want to compete since we have other work to do. But there are people in the family who induce competition. And if we show deaf ears then we are treated as fools. So we are forced to compete. We think Husbands are the best friend who would be with us for good and bad but end of the day the whole thing starts with him and ends with him. He also goes against us.:help
     
    indubalram, May 4, 2015
    indubalram, May 4, 2015
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  8. May 4, 2015 #8
    anahita5

    anahita5 Gold IL'ite

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    husband can't become best friends over night just because he is married to one. my statement was taken out of context. You can make someone your focus for rest of your life. You live your yourself. For Indian female it is acceptance of parents, than we put husbands on pedestal, then we put child on pedestal , then the new wife/husband comes and we feel ignored or like OP wonder why husband does not support. Why do we need so much affirmation from everyone. If she had her friends/family/life she would not feel so ignored.
     
    anahita5, May 4, 2015
    anahita5, May 4, 2015
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  9. May 4, 2015 #9
    Rohanj

    Rohanj Gold IL'ite

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    Even for this explaination, I can still raise the same point. Friends, family, life was there before marriage. If these were sufficient, then why get married?
    What OP is expecting from my point of view is fine. Husband/Wife should not behave differently with there better half when they are with their respective parents. If she wants more respect than her husbands mother, then its not good. Otherwise no one should feel like second priority in a relationship. There has to be mutual respect. If OP has this feeling, then she should discuss this with her husband.
     
    Rohanj, May 4, 2015
    Rohanj, May 4, 2015
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  10. May 4, 2015 #10
    jaden

    jaden Gold IL'ite

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    OP give it some time.I know right now you are feeling really down.But few years from you he will put you as his top priority.Right now since his mom is not with him,he misses her more.Trust me if he was in a joint family he wouldnt pay so much attention.
    At the same time,try to build a solid foundation for your marriage.Find out what each others,likes ,dislikes.Go on a vacation together.Have lotsa S**.Go shopping ,but things together for home .Inshort enjoy life.Love each other like there's no tomorrow.

    Trust me things will change eventually.But work on it.
     
    jaden, May 4, 2015
    jaden, May 4, 2015
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    4 people like this.
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